Here’s how to show interest while staying easeful and relaxed.
A lot of reserved, introverted men don’t know how to convey attraction to women they’re interested in, whether through body language, eye contact, or what they say.
Some guys feel so uncomfortable expressing interest that they just don’t start a conversation with most women at all.
They’re afraid that they wouldn’t convey it in the right way, or that they would convey too much.
Either way, they’re worried it would all come out wrong, especially because they feel so uncomfortable in the first place.
And you know what?
They’re right! It would come out strangely if they are uncomfortable.
The solution, though, is NOT to avoid conveying any attraction at all. That would be counterproductive to the very connection you’re wanting to make.
You also don’t want to be a big cheese puff hitting on girls right and left.
Instead, you can successfully express interest to quality women all while becoming more of your best self, not less.
It is a subtle art and a skill you can build. Learning this skill gives you the confidence boost you need to start showing interest more often.
Here are four relaxed ways you can show genuine interest to the opposite sex.
They range from subtle to direct, little details to strong signals, and they all can feel wonderful when you are at ease in your own skin and aware of her and how she is receiving you.
1. Step up for her; be a gentleman.
If you are not sure how to be that guy who shows interest clearly to a woman, this could be a great first step for you.
It makes you look and feel great. It’s also actually a service to women who naturally love to feel safe and cared for.
Being a gentleman is also quite subtle. For all she knows, you could just be a chivalrous kind of guy.
But it opens the door to more, and it can pique her curiosity about you in a good way. She might start wondering whether you are interested.
So don’t be afraid to take that extra gentlemanly step the next time you’re with a beautiful woman.
Subtle ways you could step up for her and be a gentleman include…
- When you stand up, clearing her plate or bringing her back a drink if at a party.
- “Saving her” from an unsavory conversation by swooping in if she looks unhappy.
- Offering to help her put on her coat or jacket or giving her yours if she is cold.
At Introverted Alpha, our clients have done all three of these.
Not only do women feel seen and appreciated and safe in their presence, they feel like Benevolent Badasses themselves.
In fact, one client was at a wedding and did the first suggestion above: clearing the plates of everyone at the reception table.
It just felt intuitive for him because he was feeling so good in his own skin after the work we had started.
As a result of that and his general easygoing charm (which he had NOT tapped into just a few weeks prior!), guess what happened?
The mother of a woman he was attracted to pulled him aside.
She said to him,
“You are such a catch. How can I help facilitate you asking my daughter out?!”
This had never happened to him before and was a big deal. He felt awesome that he could make that kind of impression just by doing something simple and chivalrous.
2. Compliment her with feeling.
Women love to be desired. If there is already an underlying spark of attraction, it can fan that flame on her side if she feels desire from your side, if you show her special attention and appreciation.
Things you can compliment her on including anything you notice, like…
- What she is wearing and how it looks on her.
- Something she said and what that says about her.
- A thing she did that you noticed and appreciate.
When you give her a genuine compliment, make sure to say whatever genuine thing you are noticing in spending time with her, while fully enjoying the effect she is having on you.
Even asking personal questions to know her on a deeper level is a kind of compliment to her.
Being present in the moment and engaging with a genuine smile makes everything feel more authentic and powerful for you and for her.
3. Incorporate touch.
If you’re wondering how to convey attraction without words, there is a way to do that! It’s to use touch…
This is very effective and fun for both people, as long as you can read from her that she is enjoying interacting with you so far. (These flirting signals women show will help you interpret that.)
Here are natural ways you can incorporate relaxed touch into your conversation with her…
- If you’re sitting, you can let your legs or arms touch a little bit at first and if she is not pulling away, then more and more.
- If you are standing, you can lean into her shoulder just a bit with your shoulder.
- And if you are standing or if you are sitting without a back on the chair (on an ottoman or bench, for example), you can touch her back in a moment of closeness.
Note: Since that last one is more intimate, only do this one when you can see she is feeling very good being near you.
This kind of no-pressure gentle touch helps you explore mutual chemistry.
That’s because as you get closer and connect body-to-body, you can tell if there seem to be butterflies on both sides.
Is she seeming warm and excited by your touch, just as you are by touching her?
Once you get going on these subtle signs and she is clearly into you (!), check out these signs she wants you to make a move.
4. Tell her outright.
To become very comfortable in how to convey attraction when you’re interested in a woman, you can simply tell her outright.
No need to spend hours coming up with good questions or finding common interests before sharing how you feel.
As long as you’ve had a genuine conversation, no matter how brief, you can share in a chill way whenever it feels right.
Here are a few ways you can word that, depending on what feels natural in the moment…
- “I feel so X around you,” or, “I love being near you.” Fill in the blank with whatever you feel!
- “I feel attracted to you.” You can be that direct!
- “You know what, I love being near you. I’d love to see you again.”
What makes these so powerful?
When you are not expecting ANYTHING from her as you say that, that’s attractive.
You simply feel delighted to be saying what is real for you, with taste and class and ease.
With any of these, make sure you are expressing how you feel as a gift to her, without expecting anything in return. It is so satisfying to just say how you feel, to say what is true.
Once you do that authentically and boldly with a relaxed and easy way about you, you are full! You feel fulfilled. You don’t NEED anything from her.
Now of course if you approach it this way, she will likely feel even more attracted to you at that point…
(Because, who does that?! Other guys are clamoring for her attention; meanwhile you are engaged and yet cool as a cucumber.)
Those are the four ways you can convey attraction to a beautiful woman and have it feel wonderful for both of you.
These signs of interest can work well at any stage when you’re first getting to know someone new, from the moment you meet to the way you get her phone number, to your first date if you’ve met online.
Now for some behind-the-scenes mindset support:
Mindset and confidence boost to help you out:
It’s probably occurred to you that showing too much interest too soon is creepy. Well, have you considered that hiding attraction out of fear is also creepy?
To remedy this, clean out the cobwebs in your mind so you can convey attraction clearly and warmly.
As you get good at this, women will be feeling more drawn to you and excited about the possibility of getting closer to you.
We’ll need to clean out two major “cobweb causes” in order to do this:
(1) Rather than shrink back in fear, understand what’s great about you already.
In a culture that more regularly emphasizes women’s attractiveness over men’s, it’s no surprise that many men never really think about it.
They may not realize (a) how and why men are genuinely attractive to women, much less (b) how they themselves are attractive to women.
(2) Rather than feel less-than, maintain the context of continual self-development, which is sexy.
Becoming a Benevolent Badass who knows how to convey attraction well is an ever-unfolding process.
Hold the intention of becoming more intensely and consistently badass by being more comfortable, at ease, and happy in your own skin day by day.
As we like to say around here at Introverted Alpha,
“Enjoy the entirety of being you.”
When you are doing everything you can with what you’ve got, you become more and more attractive.
Also, the fact that you’re going through this process itself is attractive! That’s because of the confidence and character that self-actualization implies.
In summary, here’s how to convey attraction well:
- Incorporate touch to explore mutual chemistry.
- Compliment her while fully appreciating the effect she has on you.
- Step up for her; be a gentleman.
- Tell her outright.
Now that you know how it can work to show interest in a relaxed yet big ways, here is what’s next:
Check out these posts to expand your knowledge:
- How to approach a woman as an introverted man (for before / during you conveying attraction).
- Conversation topics and tips for introverted men (for once you’re getting into a conversation with her).
- Why introverted men are so damn attractive (for a confidence boost before you even say hello).
If you’d like to learn more about what it would be like to work with my team and me, check out our dating coaching program page.
You can also listen to other guys talk about what it was like to work with us.
If you end up wanting to explore further what it would look like for you to develop your love life to the next level with our support, you can apply to talk with us about how we can support you.
Editor’s Note: I originally published this post in August 2015, and in September 2017, I updated it for comprehensiveness and quality. And once more in December 2019!