How to approach a girl naturally as an introvert
Introverted men face unique challenges and unique opportunities when wondering, “How can I approach a girl?”
In a world of extroverted, gregarious guys all over Hollywood and your neighborhood bar, what are you supposed to do?
How are you supposed to feel comfortable saying, “Okay I’m going to start approaching a girl,” when you’re surrounded by a lot of guys like that?
Thank goodness, pickup is not necessary to approach a girl.
While sure, the average guy may seem more comfortable approaching someone for the first time than you’ve been, you can find your own groove and start conversations in your own natural way as an introverted guy.
This is a refreshing contrast to a lot of the dating advice out there, which can feel pressuring (and pressure is counterproductively the opposite vibe from the great connection you want to enable in the first place):
“Dude, turn it into an instant date! Make sure you get her phone number; otherwise, it’s a failure!”
Not so. No cheesy pick-up lines or ”dating game” mentality needed when meeting girls. When it comes to a human-to-human connection that feels really good for both people, nothing like that is necessary.
At Introverted Alpha, our guys feel that having a relaxed and fun conversation is fulfilling on its own, regardless of where it leads.
Getting her number is icing on the cake and only makes sense if you have a genuine connection once you start talking.
So don’t worry about everything further down the line just yet. For now, let’s learn how to make that initial approach in a relaxed, fun way for both of you.
Let’s look at the special challenge and opportunity you face as an introverted guy:
Approach for Introverts: The challenge
As an introverted guy, it can sometimes feel like every other guy got the “handbook” to attracting, approaching, and dating women except for you.
I totally get that.
Also, it’s just not the case!
Approaching women in a way that feels really good for both of you is a SKILL.
The great thing about skills is they’re buildable. No one is born with a skill. Skills are, by definition, something you can build.
You’ve likely heard all kinds of advice telling you to go out there and approach a woman (who you may not even like!) as a loud, brash, unsavory guy.
They’ll tell you…
- Stop overthinking it. Just go for it, man!
- What’s the worst that can happen?!
- Approach just to get practice; it doesn’t matter if you like her or not!
Oh my gosh, this is exhausting even to type. I imagine it’s exhausting for you to be barraged with all day too!
So, Pro Tip: Unsubscribe / unfollow all the jokers giving you that kind of advice. Because you’re about to get actually helpful advice on approaching women as your own naturally genuine, attractive introverted self.
Approaching genuinely is so much better than the alternative, and as an introverted guy, you actually have an inherent advantage built into the way you’re wired.
The introvert-exclusive opportunity
Being an introverted man means you’ve got several very attractive traits already:
- Easy to be around
- Fresh perspective
- Intellectually stimulating
- And many more…
All these qualities make you feel refreshingly genuine to women who are also authentic and warm themselves. (To find your *precise* qualities, go to the fun exercise on page 8 in this free ebook.)
These are qualities you can’t fake. You can only bring them out naturally by being and feeling comfortable in your own skin.
When you can imagine what it would look and feel like to say, “Okay, I can successfully approach a girl as an introvert,” this strengthens your confidence and sense of self, both in general and around women you feel attracted to.
What successfully approaching a woman as an introverted man looks like
This is how it looks and feels in your body and mind to make a connection with a woman.
For you to approach a woman with ease and confidence, you must feel GENUINE.
You must be true to yourself.
At Introverted Alpha, we help guys attract women naturally without having to be someone they’re not.
Reason being, the self-actualization required to do that is as fun or more fun than the actual approaching and attracting women part!
Our clients tell us they feel more like themselves than they have in years or ever, by focusing on connecting with women in a way that suits them, that is all their own. You can discover much more about this here.
One of the principles of doing this is what we call the “un-approach” approach:
The “un-approach” — making a genuine connection
To approach a woman as an introvert in a way that feels natural and warm, there’s one thing you must do:
STOP thinking of it as “cold approach.” (!)
Consider how counterproductive the term “cold approach” is to what you actually intend on doing when approaching:
Exploring a warm, human-to-human connection.
COLD approach… So awful!
- A cold touch makes all of us shudder.
- A cold word makes all of us cringe.
- Cold anything makes us all contract away.
So, why are we doing anything related to cold approach?
No, that is NOT how you want to approach a woman, lol.
Instead, you can focus on building WARM connections that feel good for everyone.
This means feeling drawn to who she is, not just the shape of her body.
(Because no matter how many guys told you that you should think of women in terms of physical 1-10, that never sat right with you.)
It means exploring a connection together, not pushing your agenda onto her and onto you in the process!
(Remember, pickup-artist style approach isn’t only disrespectful to her; it is to you too.)
It means connecting over shared values like genuineness, connection, ease, fun, and meaning.
To find your own personal deepest core values out of a list of more than 100, download our free ebook here.
How to approach a girl in a natural, un-rushed way
There’s a phrase we say often around here that our readers and clients really resonate with:
“The biggest cause of lack of connection is the assumption of disconnection.”
I cover this more in depth in my conversation guide for introverted men.
For now, I want to zero in first on eye contact and then on how this relates to physical touch when you’re first meeting a woman.
Eye contact fits into the simple 4-step approach sequence:
4-Step Approach Sequence
These simple steps are so refreshing because saying something is the *last* thing you do, and the first thing you do is simply notice who you might like.
Yay for preparation time!
Here are the steps:
- Notice who you feel drawn to as you walk into a room.
- Make your way over to her.
- Get in her line of sight and make eye contact, if possible.
- Say something (more on that below!)
Once you’re talking with her, see if she’s open to touch.
There are three stages of touch that we teach at Introverted Alpha:
- Friendly Proximity/Touch
- Flirtatious Touch
- Making The First Kiss Inevitable
When you’re just meeting and starting a conversation with a beautiful woman, you want to focus only on that first stage: Friendly Proximity/Touch.
Reason being, it shows her two things:
- You’re comfortable in your own skin.
- You’re comfortable around beautiful women.
When she sees these things in you, she can feel much more attracted to you. You are a powerful, confident man, and she likes it!
How to touch her
After you approach a woman and you’re starting a conversation with her, notice the moments when you feel closer mentally or emotionally.
When bonding over something one or the other of you has said, here’s how to touch her:
- If sitting, you can lean in and touch her on the hand, arm, or knee.
- If standing, lean into her lightly with your shoulder or arm for a second or two.
This is a casual and friendly way to bring in touch, and it feels natural when you’re sharing a laugh or making a point.
Pro Tip: The more you weave in this kind of friendly, easeful no-pressure touch, the more it will start to feel like “you” and how you are.
Reason being, it’s natural for us to connect with each other. So challenge any assumption about yourself that “that’s just not how you are.”
Maybe you’ve not been one to touch up to this point, but who says you never will be or can’t be?
You may end up delighted that the very touch you deep-down craved all along starts to feel as natural as breathing.
Remember how you’ve learned other skills before (touch is simply a skill), and be open to that level of ease happening for you. You can discover much more about this here.
Let it be easy
Approaching a woman as an introverted guy can be much more successful when you take these principles and simple practices into account.
This is so much more genuine and refreshing than the classic pickup-artist approach. (Thank goodness!)
Now let’s look at how to front-load the work so that it becomes easy to approach a woman as an introvert.
Front-loading the work so approach feels easy
Knowing what you have to offer and what you want in a relationship makes it easier to connect in a natural, mutually beneficial way.
There are things you can know and imagine doing in advance, so that the whole process becomes that much easier and more intuitive in the moment.
Maintain a strong sense of confidence.
When you’re about to approach a woman, knowing what you bring to the table is paramount.
It’s the only way to be and feel on equal footing with her and her beauty.
The result is you’ll have a much clearer understanding of yourself and what makes you attractive as you approach her and afterward as you get into a conversation.
Also, getting your hands dirty by getting involved with this whole topic brings your best qualities more top-of-mind for you.
When it’s top-of-mind for you, that helps bring out your particular vibe and charm for others to see and enjoy during approach and otherwise.
What’s down in the well comes up in the bucket. What you think about yourself shows up to others.
If you have a nice relaxed sense of confidence in your best qualities, that feels really nice not only to you but to others (including that beautiful woman checking you out across the room). You can discover much more about this here.
Have a selective mindset.
Here’s how to overcome your fear as you start to approach a woman:
Reframe the entire situation.
Rather than thinking,
“She is definitely attractive, and I may or may not be attractive…”
Realize it’s actually the opposite.
The truth is,
“I am definitely attractive, and she may or may not be attractive. Let’s go find out!”
At this point, you might be saying…
“But Sarah, how can you possibly expect me to say that I am definitely attractive? I’m not Hugh Jackman!”
To that, I reply,
“Go do the exercise on page 8 of my ebook, and relentlessly review what IS attractive about you until you really get it!”
When you understand why and how you are attractive to women, everything changes.
You feel like a BADASS, and you notice women noticing you. This in turn makes you feel even prouder of taking great care of yourself and being a successful man.
As for the second part of that sentence, “She may or may not be attractive,” how can that possibly be true? You see her with your own eyes, and she is STUNNING.
Well, let’s hold our horses.
Are you sure about that? Can you really get a good look at her, or are you still several feet away?
Beyond looks, do you have a good enough sense of her vibe and how she comes across?
If she seems cold or rigid, is she really your flavor of beauty?
Remember it’s not just the shape of her body; much more goes into whether she is actually attractive to you or not.
Having these standards will give you a lot more confidence as you approach a woman.
How to approach a girl in your day-to-day life
You’ve front-loaded the work using the advice above, and now it’s time to approach — but what do you say?
Read our list of top venues for introverted men to meet and approach women to easily get a sense of the best places to meet women in the first place.
Anything you say should be pointing out something you notice in the moment.
Not a rehashed “line” and not a fake-feeling forced string of words.
Anything that comes out of your mouth should be a real thing that you feel and notice.
Along those lines, here is how to point out something you notice, what to say to new people in different situations, and what not to say.
Point out something you notice
While you can always go with our classic fall-back, “I noticed you, and I had to come say ‘hi,’” the best way to start a conversation is by pointing out something you notice.
It has to be relevant and immediate, which sounds harder than it is. It’s quite simple, actually.
The first step is to get your noticing skills on!
Anything relevant and immediate you notice that you can start a conversation about will fit somewhere within these three categories:
- The Environment
Read our Conversation Topics + Tips: Guide for Introverted Men to learn more about using those three topics of conversation with a girl anywhere you are.
Whenever you first meet a woman, one or more of these will be low-hanging fruit for you to connect with her about.
Now, let’s cover a few situational openers that you can have in mind wherever you’ll be meeting women.
What to say in specific situations
Here’s how to apply the above broad topics in various situations about different things you notice as natural conversation starters.
Are you out and about?
An observation about the environment is a relaxed way to get a conversation started.
You can say something like, “It’s a beautiful evening!” (But only say that if it actually is!)
- If her drink looks delicious, you could tell her so and ask her what it is or make a more detailed comment about it.
- Let’s say you see her at the grocery store in the produce aisle’ perhaps you notice the grapes look particularly delicious.
- Maybe you just wrapped up a yoga class together, and it was more intense than usual.
- Or if you meet her at a coffee shop, perhaps it has the most delicious Americano you’ve ever tasted.
Those are all things you can observe and say to her as you start a conversation.
At this point, small talk follows more naturally and you can get into a flowing back-and-forth because what you’re talking about is relevant and accurate.
If you have a hard time coming up with something specific, you can always say, “I noticed you, and I had to come say, ‘hi.’”
Are you at a class or group that meets up regularly?
Bond over how long you or she has been going.
Have you seen her there before or not? Is this class/studio new for you, or are you a regular?
- If it’s your first time there, you could say something like, “This is my first time here. Have you been before?”
- If you’ve been there a few times and have seen her before, you can say so and add, “but I don’t believe we’ve met. I’m so-and-so.”
- Or if you’ve been there often and have never seen her before, you can say so and ask, “Is this your first time or have I just missed you?”
Is there something about her that caught your eye?
Share a genuine compliment about her.
This is more direct that the previous two ways, so if it’s not your style, don’t do it. But if you’d like to, understand that when you’re genuine and laid-back, it’s a wonderful thing to give her!
- If her dress looks amazing on her, tell her so.
- If she has incredible hair, tell her so.
- And if she holds herself well and is very graceful, tell her so.
What not to say
One really important note: Never say something just to say it.
You know the pick-up guys who tell you to ask her for directions when you don’t need them? She can see through it in a second, and you feel nervous for good reason doing it anyway because you know you’re being insincere.
There is no need for that at all!
It’s not only about respecting women; it’s about respecting yourself.
Respect her enough to be straight with her and genuine. Respect yourself enough to only say what you mean, not some line another guy told you to say.
Now you have a great head start in knowing what to say and what not to say as you approach a woman you’re intrigued by.
Overcoming Approach Anxiety
With the right mental skill set, overcoming approach anxiety becomes second nature.
“I’d like to be confident enough to go up to a girl I’ve never met before, but that’s not how I’m wired.”
Have you ever said that to yourself?
If you think that’s true and set in stone, I’m telling you right now that it’s not. It’s just not. (This is liberating!)
Talking to a woman is not something you’re either “wired” to do or not.
It is a SKILL to BUILD, and you can build that skill.
That said, it is normal to experience approach anxiety, which is simply a reflection of cultural, social, mental, and emotional experiences.
Influential experiences include…
- the way you were raised
- the religion you practice
- your high school friends and acquaintances
If you’re having a hard time approaching women, it means those experiences have in some way shaken your perceptions of who you are, what you want, and how things should be.
They have settled deep into your psyche and formed the barriers that inhibit your actions, thoughts, and confidence.
It is normal to feel sad about that, or angry. That’s normal, so it’s important to be tender with yourself and accept those feelings if you’re having them.
It’s okay for you to feel how you feel about that.
And we can do something different, starting now. We can make a new way for you, where you start to feel more free from approach anxiety.
As your approach anxiety lessons, the first impression you make automatically becomes better and stronger.
You’re also more able to deal with fear of rejection and any other negative thoughts and feelings that are not part of a genuine budding connection with someone new.
Here’s how to approach a girl as an introverted man without the anxiety. We’ll take it in three steps:
Step #1: Recognition.
At its core, approach anxiety is fear:
- “I’m not good enough.”
- “Approaching a woman isn’t polite.”
- “I’m too shy to say anything interesting.”
Fear causes anxiety and makes you feel extremely uncomfortable.
Recognizing these thoughts along with their anxiety-causing effects is the first step.
Even the simple sensation of wanting to approach is a win for you.
You are becoming bolder and more sure about what you want and who you are, which naturally (for every human being, not just you) raises anxiety and stress.
Guess what? With this realization, you are changing, and even a small change can have impacts on multiple levels of your psyche.
Step #2: Processing.
There are only two ways people can judge the way you approach a woman:
(1) Curiously assess your skill level.
(2) Look down on you in a condescending way.
It’s your job to process these two reactions ahead of time.
Anxiety stems from fear of #2, the condescending reaction. Totally natural.
Take courage in this, though: a condescending judgment always reflects badly on the person doling it out, especially since it often comes from jealousy or self-unhappiness.
Do you see that?
If a woman responds to you in a way that is demeaning to you as a person, her judgment loses its validity and therefore its sting.
Think of it like this:
If she is cold and unhappy, we wish her the best… but who cares what she thinks about you? It is meaningless at that point.
The curious skill assessment of #1, however, can be refreshing.
Usually done in an objective, analytical, even friendly way; the observer is setting harsh judgment aside and assessing the situation out of mere curiosity.
If she assesses your actions in a way that provides a learning experience for you, perfect! You might even ask for her feedback if there is a natural opening for that, as it might be useful.
The whole vibe of a skill-level assessment is positive and friendly.
Does that make sense?
The benefit of all this mental processing is that you win either way.
You are aware and prepared for any interaction, knowing how to observe whether someone is in a #1 or a #2 space and then responding accordingly.
In summary, the key points here are:
- There is no reason to be afraid of honest, open assessment because that can be helpful.
- There is no reason to be afraid of people who are judging in a critical way that reflects poorly on them.
Step #3: Building a Strong Self-Identity
Becoming less anxious about different women’s response to you and being more engaged in the moment are two key elements of A STRONG SELF-IDENTITY.
When you develop this, you’ll be completely comfortable with your unique value. When you approach a woman, this comfort will radiate from your body language, voice, and words.
You’ll be focused on the attributes you bring to the table, not the imagined shortcomings in your head. It’s the playful, “Why not me? I’m an awesome guy,” vibe.
Women LOVE that.
While a strong self-identity does not pop up overnight, it doesn’t have to take years either.
It’s much easier to avoid the fear of rejection when you’ve got a strong sense of self because it helps you realize that just because a woman’s having a bad day or isn’t in the mood to talk with you, that doesn’t reflect poorly on you…
Likewise, anything you *are* doing that can be improved upon… you can simply notice and improve it! Having areas to improve doesn’t mean anything bad about you intrinsically as a man.
One way to move progress along is to look for little signs you’re going in the right direction.
Note your internal state (does your body feel more relaxed?) and your external verbal and nonverbal feedback from others.
Keep your eyes open to other people experiencing you differently: as a more relaxed, comfortable version of yourself.
Conclusion on Best Approaching a Woman
Remember, the #1 person to impress is yourself.
As for any expectations you do have on yourself…
Make sure your self-expectations come from YOU, not from other people’s agendas for you.
When you’re caught up in other people’s expectations of you, you lose sight on your own preferences, personal points of pride, aspirations, and values.
All those get crowded out when other people’s expectations are taking up all the front-and-center space in your head.
Here’s what to do to give yourself a confidence boost whenever you want or need it:
Whenever you notice other people’s expectations crowding in, consider just one adjective of your very own that you’d like to be in that moment, one thing that you already are a lot of times.
Maybe it’s calm, collected, fun, mysterious, engaging, warm, curious, compassionate, focused, laid back, or welcoming.
Then direct all your energy into being THAT the best you can be in that moment. It’s fun!
You can do this as you approach a woman or anytime you want a boost.
For more headspace support, read our guide on developing a strong introvert dating mindset.
Working on the context around this skill: dating and self-development as a whole
I hope this article has been helpful to you!
My team and I can work with you directly to help you build not only the skill of approaching a woman but all the skills to develop a fulfilling love life:
- Strong, sustainable self-concept
- A genuinely attractive vibe and presentation
- Selectivity about the right woman for you
- Knowing where and how to meet those women
- Moving things forward towards a date
- Developing chemistry and intimacy
- Self-actualizing in the process
To learn more about how we can accomplish this together in our dating coaching program for introverted men, visit our Launch Your Dating Life page. You can also listen to real clients’ reviews of our program here.
*Note: The terms boys and girls go together, and the terms men and women go together. Guys and girls… perhaps, but men and women is preferred. Whenever I used the term “girl” above, it’s so that you and others could more easily find me on Google, since “girl” is a much more popular search term for things dating-related. (I’d love to see this change in the future, but until then, it’s a delicate balance.)
And if you haven’t gotten that ebook, do yourself a favor and grab it up! It is the single thing we get thanked most for here by our readers. :)