How To Get Her Number - Introverted Alpha

Today, you’re going to learn how to get her number in an easy, elegant step-by-step.

Imagine this: you’re talking with a beautiful woman, and things seem to be going well. You say to yourself, “Hey, this girl is pretty cute. I’d like to get to know her more,” and then you wonder how to get her number seamlessly.

The problem is it often it doesn’t work out how you’d hope.

When you don’t know how to get her number easily, what transpires is anything but seamless.

In fact, the more you nervously wonder, “Dammit, how and when should I get her number?” the more all shreds of chemistry rip apart at seams you didn’t even know were there.

Pretty much, it’s a disaster. It’s not fun, though it’s many men’s experience. Has it been yours?

It’s certainly been the experience of one of your fellow Introverted Alpha readers named Harry. Harry has had many promising situations fall apart, even though he knows he’s a great catch.

Because of this, he asked me to write a post on what to say to get her number and ideally how to get her number without asking in a weird or needy way.

Is that possible? Yes. I call it the Chill Statement Technique, and we’ll get to that in Step 4 below.

Here’s our agenda for today: First we’ll examine Harry’s experience. Then I’ll share how to get her number in minutes with an elegant step-by-step system.

The 4 steps I’m going to teach you today work well whether it’s daytime or nighttime, as they’re simple and straightforward to do.

Harry’s email asking how to get her number:

Hi Sarah,

Love your emails. My dream article would be how to be seamless in your attraction to a girl. For instance when I’m talking to a girl there’s a point where I go, ‘Hey she’s pretty cute. I’d like to get to know her more. [attraction mode engaged]’ and when I switch to trying to get her number or whatever, I can see the figurative balloon deflating in her eyes and then I get a stone cold wall that’s nigh impenetrable. Even if I revert to my normal self it doesn’t matter. It’s like you may as well turn and walk away and start again with someone else and erase your memories of the past five minutes while you’re at it, kind of bad.

Anyways this happens to me way too often that I’ve really backed down from trying as a result of the non-progress. I even get really cute girls naturally attracted to me and don’t pursue because I know that once I go that route, the balloon will deflate. I’m my own worst enemy in this regard. Would LOVE to see an article about overcoming that.

~Harry

First thing here is zeroing in on the breakdown moment, which is when he goes to get her number. That’s what he means by “go that route,” in the last paragraph.

So first thing to do when you’re finding a breakdown in your own process is to ask what is it, crystallized into a step or short phrase?

I had to read a couple of times to see what the actual problem is, and that’s it, as you’ll notice in the first paragraph where he says, “when I switch to trying to get her number…”

Before I get into the four steps of getting her number seamlessly, I want to address two mindset optimizations that Harry can make, given that short phrase he used:

  • “When I switch…” Why are we “switching”? What is the switch? There should be no switch. If there is, how can the experience feel seamless? For it to be seamless, there needs to be a feeling of building attraction and leading to getting her number without you or her being thrown off guard by you “switching modes.”
  • “… to trying to get her number.” Understand that “trying” is an inherently weak mental position. A friend of mine likes to say, “You don’t ‘try.’ You either do or you don’t. You win or you lose. You make incremental progress towards something, or you don’t.” The whole “trying” frame of mind puts you immediately into a smaller, more confined, less self-assured mode, when what you want is to be stronger and more fluid and at ease.

Now for the four-step process on how to get her number:

Step 1: Touch her before you get her number!

This is very important. There are three mini-steps inside this step.

Step 1A: Touch her lightly on the outer upper arm if you’re standing or on her hand or knee if you’re sitting while you’re making a point, resonating with something she has said, or sharing a laugh.

Step 1B: Read her response to your touch. Is she drawing closer or pulling away? For more on this topic, check out my article on flirting signs or my article on how to know if she wants you to make a move.

Step 1C: If she’s drawing closer or if she’s “neutral but happy,” meaning she isn’t coming closer but maybe she’s leaning into your touch and smiling, then you can linger for a bit as you touch her.

There are more ways to touch, of course, but this one is straightforward and simple, so it helps you set up the dynamic well as you go to get her number.

Step 2: Hint that you’d like to see her again.

There are two ways you can do this:

Option A: While you’re talking, see if you can direct the conversation to your favorite bars, coffee shops, parks, or other fun first date ideas.

You can mention a place and how much you like it and ask her if she has been there. If she has, you can say that it would be fun to go with her and enjoy it together. If she hasn’t, you can say that it would be fun to take her and that you think she’d really like it.

Option B: If that doesn’t come up naturally, you can say that you think she’s [insert genuine thought about her here] and that you enjoy being around her. (When you say this with confidence, this will make her heart flutter if she at all feels attracted to you!)

Step 3: Remember why she would enjoy spending time with you.

When going to get her number, a lot of guys feel creepy or “off.”

This is because they’re way more in touch with what they want from her (approval, feminine beauty, touch and sex, etc) than they are with what she may want from them that they also have to give (attractive male presence, knee-weakening touch and amazing sex, fun and laughter, etc).

This reminds me of a piece I’m contributing to right now on Ramit Sethi’s GrowthLab site about sales. It’s relevant here because dating and business are the same in so many ways.

The author from Ramit’s team asked me about my first sales job and if I ever felt nervous about sales. I absolutely did! Here’s what I shared with him about how afraid I was of bothering people. It was my first sales job, and it was at a phone company right out of college:

The whole frame of bothering them came from the fact that I was thinking, “They have something I want ($). I may or may not have something worth wanting (my service and ability to sell well).” This set up an inherently creepy vibe because I was essentially wanting something certain (in this case, their money) for something uncertain (whether I had something they wanted).

That never works well, and it is underneath all pushy sales (and all pushy pickup advice, as dating and business are so similar!). Instead, I learned how to FIND OUT what they wanted without assuming or being needy. When I found out what they wanted, if it was something I could give, I would then give it to them PLUS an excellent experience with me / the business on top of that.

In the case of you talking with a woman and knowing how to get her number easily, the way you find out what she wants is by reading her (Step 1B above), and the way you know whether you’re a match is to remember what’s great about you.

Step 4: Pull out your phone, and say, “Hey, let me get your number.”

When should you get her number? That’s the easy part now that you’ve done the heavy lifting.

You’ve touched her in a natural, friendly way (Step 1). You’ve hinted that you’d like to see her again (Step 2). You’ve remembered why she would actually genuinely enjoy spending time with you (Step 3).

Once you’ve crossed those first three steps off your list and had a lot of fun doing it, you already know when to get her phone number. Any time!

That said, it can be fun to wait til the end of your time together to get her hoping, “Wow, I really like this guy. I hope he gets my number!”

At that point or whenever you feel like it after you’ve done Steps 1 through 3, here’s how to get her number quickly and smoothly using the Chill Statement Technique:

You simply pull out your phone while you make the chill statement, “Hey, let me get your number.”

That’s it!

It’s smooth. Make sure to maintain your own feeling of desirability while you transition to getting her number. There are two fancy directions you can go with this:

Direction 1: You can go minimal. Now that you’re pulling out your phone, it’s clear that you want her number. At this point, you honestly know how to get her number without saying a word because you can technically just pull out your phone and hand it to her. You can do this either when it’s clear one of you has to go or when it’s clear to both of you that you’re going to hang out again.

Direction 2: You can go contextual. If you’d like to add in something more as you pull out your phone, you can say something like, “Hey, I’d love to see you again,” or, “I wasn’t joking about taking you to xyz,” and then, “Let me get your number,” as you offer her your phone.

Number-Getting Logistics: Open up your phone to the texting screen, and let her enter her number in the “to” field and her name in the text message field. Then fill it in with, “Hey (her name), it was great to meet you at X. – Your Name.”

As for what to text her once you get her number, you can add something flirtatious about you or her in the text if that’s your style, but you don’t need to. Don’t be afraid to keep it simple!

In summary, here’s how to get her number in 4 seamless steps:

Step 1: Touch her before you get her number!
Step 2: Hint that you’d like to see her again.
Step 3: Remember why SHE would enjoy spending time with you.
Step 4: Pull out your phone, and say, “Hey, let me get your number.”

Now that you know this seamless four-step sequence on how to get her number, no more banging your head against the wall! No more anguished asking yourself for hours, “Why didn’t I get her number?”

To get really good with women, you’ve got to know how to make the magic happen before and after these four steps.

For what to do before and after you get her number, and to have an even stronger presence and chemistry WHILE you get her number, make sure you’re privy to how to avoid unnecessary rejection in the first place.