Here’s how to get her phone number in an easy, elegant step-by-step.
Imagine this: you’re talking with a beautiful woman, and things seem to be going well.
You’d like to get this girl’s number so you can follow up and set up a date… but how?
When you don’t know if there will be a next time, you might feel extra pressure to act now.
The whole thing can be quite intimidating.
Getting a girls’ phone number comes with lots of unknowns:
- What if she has a boyfriend?
- What if she isn’t attracted to you?
- Or what if she’s offended that you asked?
But not getting her phone number isn’t necessarily a solution because avoiding it leads to…
- Regret over cumulative missed chances with attractive women.
- The loss of an opportunity to explore things further with this particular woman.
- Confirmation of the pattern of not asking, which leads to even more lost opportunities.
How to address this?
There are lots of unknowns around getting a woman’s phone number as opposed to Facebook, snapchat, or Instagram, which are arguably less bold and direct options).
That’s why one Introverted Alpha reader (who we’ll call Harry) asked me to write about how to ask a girl for her number in a non-creepy way.
Very excited to share this with you guys!
Here’s our agenda for today: First we’ll examine Harry’s experience. Then I’ll share how to get her number with a step-by-step system.
The four steps I’m going to teach you today work well whether it’s daytime or nighttime, as they’re simple and straightforward to do.
Harry’s email asking how to get her number:
Love your emails. My dream article would be how to be seamless in your attraction to a girl. For instance, when I’m talking to a girl there’s a point where I go, ‘Hey she’s pretty cute. I’d like to get to know her more. [attraction mode engaged].’
When I switch to trying to get her number or whatever, I can see the figurative balloon deflating in her eyes and then I get a stone cold wall that’s nigh impenetrable. Even if I revert to my normal self it doesn’t matter. It’s like you may as well turn and walk away and start again with someone else and erase your memories of the past five minutes while you’re at it, kind of bad.
Anyways this happens to me way too often that I’ve really backed down from trying as a result of the non-progress. I even get really cute girls naturally attracted to me and don’t pursue because I know that once I go that route, the balloon will deflate. I’m my own worst enemy in this regard. Would LOVE to see an article about overcoming that.
Before we get into the four steps of getting her number, let’s address two mindset optimizations that Harry can make, given the short phrase he used:
“When I switch to trying to get her number…”
- “When I switch…” Why are we “switching”? What is the switch? There should be no switch. If there is, how can the experience of getting her phone number feel seamless? For it to be seamless, there needs to be a feeling of building attraction and gentle leading, without either of you being thrown off guard by you “switching modes.”
- “… to trying to get her number.” Understand that “trying” is a less-than-optimal mental position. A friend of mine likes to say, “You don’t ‘try.’ You either do or you don’t. You win or you lose. You make incremental progress towards something, or you don’t.” The whole “trying” frame of mind produces an unnecessary smaller, more confined mindset when what you want is to be stronger and more at ease.
Now for the four-step process on how to get her number:
Step 1: Touch her before you get her number.
During the course of a conversation with her, you can touch her naturally.
Touch is very important for chemistry and attraction because this is how a woman can get a stronger sense of you. Women “feel their way” through proximity to you, more than sight alone.
There are three mini-steps inside this step:
Step 1A: Touch her lightly on the outer upper arm if you’re standing or on her hand or knee if you’re sitting while you’re making a point, resonating with something she has said, or sharing a laugh.
Step 1B: Read her response to your touch. Is she drawing closer or pulling away? For more on this topic, check out my article on flirting signs or my article on how to know if she wants you to make a move.
Step 1C: If she’s drawing closer or if she’s “neutral but happy,” meaning she isn’t coming closer but maybe she’s leaning into your touch and smiling, then you can linger for a bit as you touch her.
There are more ways to touch, of course, but this one is straightforward and simple, so it helps you set up the dynamic well as you go to get her number.
Step 2: Hint that you’d like to see her again.
There are two ways you can do this:
Option A: While you’re talking, see if you can direct the conversation to your favorite bars, coffee shops, parks, or other fun first date ideas.
You can mention a place and how much you like it and ask her if she has been there. If she has, you can say that it would be fun to go with her and enjoy it together. If she hasn’t, you can say that it would be fun to take her and that you think she’d really like it.
Option B: If that doesn’t come up naturally, you can say that you think she’s [insert genuine thought about her here] and that you enjoy being around her. When you say this with confidence, this will make her heart flutter if she at all feels attracted to you!
Step 3: Know why she would enjoy spending time with you.
When going to get her number, a lot of guys feel creepy or “off,” like it’s this big question that is somehow unreasonable, even after a rapport is built.
They feel this way because they’re more thinking about what they want from her (approval, feminine beauty, touch, sex, etc).
They’re not as much thinking about what she may want from them that they also have to give (attractive male presence, knee-weakening touch, amazing sex, fun and laughter, etc).
So how do you find out what she wants, that you also have to give?
- Reading her well (Step 1B above) shows what she wants.
- Knowing what’s great about you already shows what you have to give.
If there’s a natural intersection between what she wants and what you have to give, then getting her phone number makes perfect sense as the next natural step for the two of you.
Step 4: Pull out your phone, and say, “Hey, let me get your number.”
Getting her number is the easy part now that you’ve done the heavy lifting:
- You’ve touched her in a natural, friendly way (Step 1).
- You’ve hinted that you’d like to see her again (Step 2).
- And you’ve remembered why she would actually genuinely enjoy spending time with you (Step 3).
Once you’ve crossed those first three steps off your list, you can get her phone number anytime, whether that’s towards the end of the conversation, or sooner.
It can feel like a critical moment to get her number, but it’s really not a big deal once you’ve done the previous steps.
It doesn’t really matter *when* you get her number, as much as what needs to happen *before* that point.
That said, it can be fun to wait until the end of your time together to get her hoping, “Wow, I really like this guy. I hope he gets my number!”
At that point or whenever you feel like it after you’ve done Steps 1 through 3, here’s how to get her number in a smooth, natural way.
Handling your phone is a great transition.
Simply hand her your cell phone, while saying, “Hey, let me get your number,” or, “I’d love to get your number.”
Make sure to maintain your own feeling of desirability while you transition to getting her number.
If you’d like to add in something more, you can add, “Hey, I’d love to see you again.”
Or you can say, “I really would love to take you to xyz… Let me get your number,” as you offer her your phone.
Number-Getting Logistics: Open up your phone to the texting screen. Then let her enter her number in the “to” field and her first name in the text message field. Then fill it in with, “Hey (her name), it was great to meet you at X. – Your Name.”
As for what to text her once you get her number, you can add something flirtatious in the text if that’s your style, but you don’t need to. Don’t be afraid to keep it simple and move towards planning the date.
Do’s and don’ts when getting her phone number:
First off, ignore the unsavory advice out there, which can make things confusing.
Make sure you’re prepared:
If starting conversations with complete strangers isn’t within your normal day-to-day, you can build practice. A great way to do this is to strike up a low-stakes conversation with people behind the counter, like at coffee shops or the grocery store.
Also, whenever you go out of the house, make sure that you look and smell really good.
If you are ready to be social and meet people, that’s idea. Then if you meet a woman you find attractive, you won’t feel embarrassed that you don’t look your best.
This will help you be more relaxed and courageous when opportunities present themselves!
Never do these things:
Common mistakes include…
- Trying to use pickup lines on her, instead of approaching her in a natural way.
- Comparing yourself to other charismatic guys instead of being the best version of yourself.
- Regressing to middle school mentality, instead of remembering the strong and capable man you are today.
In summary, here’s how to get her number in 4 seamless steps:
1: Touch her before you get her number!
2: Hint that you’d like to see her again.
3: Remember why SHE would enjoy spending time with you.
4: Pull out your phone, and say, “Hey, let me get your number.”
Now that you know this seamless four-step sequence, no more banging your head against the wall!
No more anguished asking yourself for hours, “Why didn’t I get her number?”
To get your dating life flourishing, there is a lot to learn. There are so many facets to yourself, women, and the dating process before and after these four steps.
For what to do before and after you get her number, and to have an even stronger presence and chemistry WHILE you get her number, here’s what to do next:
Helpful resources for introverted men:
At Introverted Alpha, we help guys attract women in their own natural way, without relying on cheap tricks or degrading women or themselves.
True fulfillment happens when everyone is genuine and relaxed and happy. :)
If you’d like more…
(1) The very first step when it comes to attracting women naturally is knowing why and how you are uniquely attractive. To do that, you can use our free ebook, “Why Pickup Doesn’t Work for Introverts & What Works Instead.” You can download it here on this page.
(2) From there, it’s quite helpful to know your current skill level at various stages of the dating process. That’s why we have a Dating Skills Assessment, which you can take for free and get personalized results that will help you know where you’re at in terms of your dating abilities. Take the assessment here.
(3) Finally, the best way to grow and develop in this area of life is with the 1:1 dating coaching guidance, helpful step-by-step material, and personalized attention that comes with our program, Launch Your Dating Life. You can learn more and get on the notification list for it right here.
*Note: The terms boys and girls go together, and the terms men and women go together. Guys and girls… perhaps, but men and women is preferred. Whenever I used the term “girl” above, it’s so that you and others could more easily find me on Google, since “girl” is a much more popular search term for things dating-related. (I’d love to see this change in the future, but until then, it’s a delicate balance.)