If you’re an introverted man, you are in the right place.
I wrote the original article that started it all in half an hour. It poured out, straight from the heart. I never expected it to become such a hit.
Within hours, it had been shared thousands of times on Facebook. Within days, thousands more. And within a couple of months, it had been picked up by Cosmo and had generated thousands of MORE shares.
As I did some research on the post, I saw people talking about it on a news segment, people writing about it in forums, and generally people going bananas over the fact that introverted men are attractive people indeed.
Here are some screenshots of the journey:
The Original “7 Reasons” Article I wrote, picked up by Cosmo on January 8, 2015, shared 4.9K times.
First Publishing of the “7 Reasons” article on December 9, 2014, shared 7.3K times.
YourTango picked up the article on December 11, 2014.
Over two years later, ThoughtCatalog asked to publish it on their site as well, resulting in 14.8K more shares.
Between my original article and the various re-publishings of it, my post has been shared more than 27,000 times.
It resonated with a lot of people, and that very first post set off a flurry in the introvert/dating world.
All that’s fine and good, but WHY did people go so crazy over it? Why were they SO INTO IT?
Here’s some context:
I had been working for a dating coach for over a year coaching all kinds of men in dating and attraction.
Rather than a slap on techniques and tricks, I helped them dive into the very core of what made them most attractive as uniquely individual men.
(I’ll share a lot of my process below with step-by-steps for you to use!)
During the course of this year plus, I found that working with specifically INTROVERTED men was so easy and fun for me.
They would get excellent results. They were literally overjoyed at how attractive they found out that they had been all along.
It’s like there was a TREASURE CHEST in there that they didn’t even know about until I came in.
I helped them dig it up, flip open the chest, and then there were all the gems in them shining as bright as could be.
I still love gems and stratagems to this day:
Instagram post of Banana-grams game with my grandma.
For many years, it has been absolutely clear to me why introverts are attractive.
I’ve wanted to share that, not so much with women (because they know!) but with the introverted men themselves.
Working with these men is how Introverted Alpha was born in Summer 2014.
I was committed to making a safe haven, a refreshing oasis, for these gentle, respectful, thoughtful men who were getting NO HELP from anyone else telling them to pretend to be extroverted!
Can you imagine?!
Well, chances are you can because you’re reading this.
But oh my god, it burns me up every time I think about it.
HOW can people not recognize the innate wonder in introverted men?
How can they not see with crystal clarity that introverted men are attractive…
In a unique way that is DIFFERENT from how extroverted men are attractive?
And not “different” as in “weird”, but different as in UNIQUELY AWESOME.
That is what I see in you.
That is what I have ALWAYS seen in men, in introverted men.
I’ve loved introverted men my whole life.
My dad, my brother, men I’ve dated, and many of my friends and clients (and now team members as Introverted Alpha has grown!)…
They are all linear, logical, introverted men — more often than not, in engineering or a similar field.
So with all this love, I made Introverted Alpha.
And that post, “7 Reasons Introverted Men Are So Damn Attractive,” was one of my first guest posts ever.
I wrote it straight from my heart, and it LANDED into the hearts of introverted men everywhere and women who love them.
It was so fun getting letters from women, “Thank you for writing that! I love my introverted husband, and I’m so glad you love introverted men too! They’re the best!”
Indeed, they (you!) are.
Now, let’s look at another piece of context: what was going on around the turn of the year from 2014 to 2015.
For the first time since it was published a few years prior, Susan Cain’s book Quiet and the principles in it were spreading like wildfire.
I got to ride on that wave (thank you, Susan!). People were already talking about introversion and how it’s NOT a weakness (!) but just a different type of disposition.
For the first time, there was a buzz around introversion in the personal development space.
My article brought it into the dating space, as ZERO PEOPLE EVER had made dating advice for introverts before June 2014 when I started Introverted Alpha.
After the article had been around for a good while, it started getting copied.
Every time I went into Google for research, I’d see yet another copy of my “7 Reasons Introverted Men Are So Damn Attractive” article: “5 Reasons Introverted Men Are Attractive,” “6 Reasons…,” “25 Reasons…”
So after this copy-paste extravaganza (ripping off content is super distasteful, but at least hopefully more people are exposed to my original idea), it’s not that you don’t have enough reasons.
If we added all the articles that copied my original Cosmo piece, we’d have 100’s of reasons.
The reasons are there.
The trouble is you may not BELIEVE that those traits are true in yourself as an introverted man.
That’s why I’m writing this follow-up article years later:
- To help you INTERNALIZE all these great things about yourself into your fundamental self-concept.
- To help you know how to be mysterious and attractive — which is your natural style.
Introverted men are attractive, and by the end of this article, I want to see you FEELING that in your bones!
So here’s what we’re going to do:
First I’ll cover the premise of the article, the overarching thesis (because it’s a fact) that introverted men are attractive.
Then I’ll take you through each of the original 7 reasons step by step so you can see what all the fuss is about!
Once we do that, I’ll GREATLY EXPAND on my original conclusion paragraph, which was on the money but super brief.
I’m going to get into a lot more detail for you there, because THAT is where the internalization comes in.
That’s where you start getting to experience that not only are introverted men attractive, YOU are an attractive introverted man.
Specifically, I’ll walk you through…
- How to hunt for those naturally attractive qualities in yourself.
- Ways to turn up the dial on your most attractive qualities.
- How all this translates directly to SEXUAL attractiveness.
(Hint: my entire original article’s conclusion basically consisted of a list of those points. By the end of this point, you will have walked through ALL of those points in detail. Yay for unlimited word count and a lot of room for passion!)
Here’s what I want you to understand:
You may have looked at your extroverted male friends and wondered, “Are introverts at a disadvantage?”
FAR FROM IT. Introverted men are attractive, plain and simple.
Extroverts will never be the iconic, mysterious, strong type like James Bond. Bruce Lee, Michael Jordan, Brad Pitt, and George Clooney are all examples of physically attractive introverts.
While extroverts have their own charm (gregarious and life-of-the-party!), it’s not the only kind of charm out there, and it doesn’t have to be yours.
Your kind of disposition can drive women crazy in the best way.
Take five minutes and Google around for “what women love about introverted men” to see what I’m talking about.
Even though it isn’t often emphasized, the essence of introversion is iconic.
It is the epitome of strong, powerful, quiet, intoxicatingly mysterious men.
Introverted and extroverted women alike deeply appreciate and fall for introverted men.
To both introverted and extroverted women, you are low-key and trustable.
Introverted men are attractive because they can be more deeply attuned to a woman than brash, loud guys who aren’t paying a second’s worth of ACTUAL attention to her.
HEALTHY WOMEN want to be seen and valued by men. Period.
Introverted men are especially good at this. That skill is easily visible when confidence backs it up. No “life of the party” hat required.
Think of James Bond for a moment. What qualities come to mind?
- Mysterious and intriguing.
- Confident in how he holds his body, how he moves, how he is.
- Private/reserved… he’s not gregarious BY ANY MEANS.
- More likely to be listening and observing his environment than chatting away.
These are INTROVERTED QUALITIES.
James Bond is an introvert, no doubt about it. He’s a perfect example of how introverted men are attractive and why they don’t need to pretend to be extroverted.
Can you imagine him trying to be gregarious to fit in? Not at all. Contorting himself into some image of a pickup artist? THERE IS NO NEED.
He is irresistible as he is to the most beautiful, feminine women… and he’s not even trying. He has effortless grace and quiet charisma.
How does he do it, and more relevantly, how can YOU do that?
He embraces his natural strengths. He knows himself and his introverted nature. You can do the same.
Let’s start you on the same path of self-actualization, starting with a list of those 7 reasons I mentioned on Cosmo those years ago.
They’re truer than ever today. Do you see yourself in any of these?
Each of My Original 7 Reasons Introverted Men are Attractive:
1. You are mysterious.
As an introverted man, you don’t show all your cards at first.
While you might get down on yourself for being reserved, PLEASE DON’T. It’s actually so attractive that there is more to you than what meets the eye. Your need for alone time is attractive, actually. Women can tell a deep, thoughtful man when they see one.
Again, think of Bond…
Or a cowboy in an Old Western movie…
Your rich inner world entices women to want to know more, to know what you’re thinking. It’s exciting that they CAN’T know right away. Women love the anticipation!
This is certainly true sexually when you are progressing more slowly than most men do, but with confidence and intention at every step.
It is ALSO true personality-wise because she gets to anticipate knowing you better.
You give her so much to want! That’s attractive. That’s how to be mysterious and attractive.
2. You are easy to be around.
One reason introverted men are attractive is that you guys are so EASY to be with. You may have noticed this about yourself.
Your friends may even tell you, “You are so chill and easygoing.” You know this, and you know they like this, but is it SEXUALLY attractive?
Until today, you may not have thought so. In fact, you may have thought your chillness made you fade further into the background, giving the gregarious “life of the party” guys even MORE attention.
Well, that is not necessarily the case.
It IS the case if you also have no confidence and don’t think you have anything to offer. Then you’ll be fading YOURSELF into the background, so as not to draw unwanted attention.
However, if you ARE feeling attractive and confident, then your quiet chill vibe is actually like a MAGNET to women who would naturally vibe with you. You can discover much more about this here.
You know what I’m talking about, right?
Have you ever walked into a room, and the guy who’s NOT SAYING A WORD is getting attention…
And it’s not only from the women in the room but from you also, as you wonder what is that special edge he has?
Well, it’s confidence in his own nature and all that comes from that. It makes him at ease in his own skin, which makes it easy to be near him.
Contrast that with nervous tics and a ton of anxious energy and… who would YOU rather be with? Exactly.
3. You have a fresh perspective on the world.
Being an attractive introvert means being more oriented towards depth over breadth, which leads to being introspective than most folks.
Through introspection, you internalize what’s going on and make fresh sense of it yourself through your unique values and point of view.
Contrast this with someone more breadth-over-depth, and you come out winning in this regard.
You take things in, make them your own through deep thought and introspection. By the time you share your thoughts with others, they are original and uniquely yours.
Depending on your personality, your perspective may come across in a quirky and playful way, or it might be more literal and serious.
The whole range can be INTOXICATINGLY attractive to the right women for you when you’re feeling wonderful in your own skin.
4. Your introspection makes you a wonderful partner.
Relationships work best when both people are thoughtful and take full responsibility for their actions.
They earnestly address how they can do better, towards themselves and with their partner.
As an attractive introvert, you naturally gravitate to the introspective work of searching out where you’re on track and where you can get back on track.
By developing this part of yourself, you become a coveted partner because not only is this quality useful…
It is also sexually attractive to have the wherewithal to see where you can do better and then go about doing that. It’s very earnest and trustworthy.
5. You are in tune with subtle chemistry nuances.
Because you are so in touch with your inner world and how things feel to you on the inside, guess what?
It’s that much easier for you to read a woman and what is going on with her on the inside.
Being introverted, you appreciate space yourself, so you respect her space, which feels non-needy and freeing for her.
(This is you at your best, once you feel at ease with yourself — this is your potential as an introverted guy.)
At the same time, feeling the space is what makes you both feel relaxed and safe. Then you are free to explore the very real chemistry developing between you.
Introverted men are attractive because your quiet depth attunes you to your body, her body, and the way you feel around each other. You can discover much more about this here.
This means you can “speak” to her through your body and your intentions, and you’re a good listener to her verbal and non-verbal communication. This depth is incredibly attractive, and a more brash man just doesn’t do it the same way you do.
6. You are intellectually stimulating.
There are all kinds of intelligence, and the intelligence that comes from being introspective and logical means introverted men are attractive to women who complement that by nature.
As an introverted man, your whole way of seeing the world can be so refreshing!
This is especially the case if a woman is more feelings-oriented and outgoing herself. She may very well relish your refreshing sense of quiet and your interesting perspective on the world.
Intelligent women appreciate deep, thoughtful conversations about things that matter to her and new things she may never have thought of.
Because of your intellectual curiosity, you can open her up to new ways of seeing things, which she’ll appreciate.
7. You know yourself.
Being oriented inwardly, you have likely developed a strong sense of self over the years, or at least solid groundwork for that!
Chances are, you already know what you like and what you don’t like.
If you don’t know how you feel about a certain topic or person or place, clarity is not far. All you have to do is expose yourself a bit more to it. Because of your introspective nature, you are able to get a sense for it quickly.
As you become more confident in who you are as your own unique man, this inner knowing comes across more and more as quiet strength and steadiness.
How To Hunt for Those Naturally Attractive Qualities in Yourself:
Now that you have more of a sense of why introverted men are attractive in general, let’s turn our attention to how YOU uniquely are attractive.
There are many more qualities about you than what I listed above, and it is so exciting to find those things out about yourself!
So that’s what we’re going to do here in a few simple steps.
Also, feel free to download the ebook that gives even more in-depth than I can cover here in this post. Download it here.
Now that you see why introverted men are attractive, here’s how to get started internalizing that YOU specifically are attractive as well:
Step 1: Recall meaningful compliments.
One starting point finds your uniquely attractive vibe is to reflect on what people have said about you and the way you feel to them.
- Has your sister felt and told you that you’re protective and good?
- Does your friend seek your advice because you are wise and balanced?
- Did your colleague compliment your new haircut? Do you sometimes get told that you have gorgeous eyes or a nice smile?
Recalling these things and writing them down can start you on the path to appreciating what is uniquely attractive about you.
Step 2: Reflect on your accomplishments.
Out of the whole scope of your life, what are you most proud of? It can be several things:
- Maybe you grew up in a difficult situation and are now free on your own. You’ve made it, which took courage!
- Or maybe you had a supportive upbringing and you capitalized on that to bring you where you are today.
- Maybe you really enjoy being there for friends and family. You might feel proud of the times you’ve been a comfort and listening ear to them, a trusted man they can count on.
There are so many kinds of accomplishments. Spend a little time reflecting on yours.
Step 3: See yourself in each of the seven facets above.
Out of the seven qualities I mentioned above on why introverted men are attractive, what sounded familiar to you?
What qualities did you see in yourself?
- Do you get told often that you are easy to be around?
- Do you see how you may seem mysterious?
- Being an introspective guy, would you say that you know yourself well?
What do you see in yourself ALREADY just based on what I shared about how introverted men are attractive?
If you’d like to go way deeper on all this, check out the full in-depth exercise on finding your unique set of Values and Factors in our free ebook here.
How To Turn Up The Dial on Your Most Attractive Qualities:
It’s one thing to have great qualities; it’s quite another to showcase them. Having those qualities is more of a starting point than the end-game when it comes to being seen for who you are.
Introverted men are attractive when they feel confident in what they have to offer a woman.
So let’s talk about how to turn up the dial on your most attractive qualities so women can more easily perceive you as the awesome man you are deep down.
Step 1: Focus
Choose one quality you mentioned above that you’d like to bring out and experience more of.
For example, let’s say you realized that playfulness is important to you, even though you may not have been that playful on a day-to-day basis.
You might not even know how, or you might have felt too self-conscious to bring that part of yourself out more.
Step 2: Find Opportunities
Throughout your day, look for opportunities to express more of that quality or trait in yourself. Let’s go through three examples of different values you’d like to add more into your day:
Say, for example, you’re looking to express more playfulness:
- Where can you do that at work, at home, with friends, out and about?
- Maybe at work, you can take an opportunity to make a colleague smile (whereas you may have before just let that opportunity pass).
- Out with friends, you can focus on relaxing in your body and enjoying the moment with full acceptance of yourself. This will let your playful nature come out more and more through the night.
- Also, you might start watching more comedy in the evenings to connect with the playful side of yourself.
Or let’s say you’d like to express more confidence:
- When you show up to work, you might focus on feeling tall and strong in your body, holding yourself in that way and moving more slowly as if through water. This can physiologically make you feel more confident.
- Out and about, you might see if your barista looks open to chatting for a moment if it’s not busy and she’s receptive to you (instead of holding back) so that both of you can enjoy a fun conversation.
Maybe you would like to express more adventure:
- At work, you might take on a new project with vigor, whereas before you may have passed it up to someone “more qualified”… until you realize, actually, you’d be perfect for it.
- Or maybe you plan a weekend road trip to a nature spot you’ve always wanted to go to.
Step 3: Notice Positive Effects
Once you’re doing this, you will start experiencing positive effects over time, internally and externally.
- Internally, you will feel AWESOME because who doesn’t want to be more of their genuine selves, right? So that will feel great.
- Externally, you will start noticing people interacting with you differently:
- Maybe they compliment you on your confidence or the exact quality you’re intending to express more of!
- Or maybe they don’t compliment you per se, but they’re just more warm and open towards you and more interested in engaging with you.
These are all wonderful signs you’re on the right track.
How This Translates Directly to SEXUAL Attractiveness:
Introverted men are attractive to a woman when she FEELS good around them.
A woman feels attracted to you in part because her body feels good around your body.
If you’re an introverted man, you’re naturally dispositioned to feel really good to a woman body-to-body. That’s because you’re quieter inside, you’re more still.
When you’re still and not frantic or super high energy — when your energy is more mellow — you are giving her a resting place.
You are being a strong man for her to sink into and enjoy.
As an introverted man, you are more sensual and slower with intimacy (women LOVE THAT) than many extroverted men.
When a woman sees your effortlessly subdued demeanor and your strong and quiet way of moving, guess what? She’s wondering how it would be to have your hands on her. Do you get that?
WOMEN ARE SEXUAL TOO.
It’s beyond me how so many guys have this cultural conception, this poisoned and painful perspective, that they’re walking around like secretly barbaric sex-crazed monsters…
While women are high-and-away, completely removed from and free from sexual desire, sequestered in their ivory towers thinking about everything BUT sex.
Wow, guys. That’s simply not true.
Women are receptive to men they find attractive. Introverted men are attractive sexually because you guys have five distinct advantages that make you appealing, connected, attuned lovers.
Important Note: These five qualities most likely apply to you EVEN IF you’ve never thought of yourself that way before AND/OR if you have had very little experience with women in the past.
Here are five ways introverted men are attractive not just as friends but as lovers:
1. Your slow, gentle pace engenders trust and creates intrigue.
Even if you’re a bit anxious in the moment, that’s okay!
You don’t have to be a Zen master for your naturally introverted chill nature to show through.
(Even if you’re quite nervous, you’ve got more “chillness” deep down to work with than a “life of the party” guy. A guy like him has an entirely different disposition.)
Women are used to men rushing things in bed (and well before bed, too).
If you can slow down, which you have a special way of doing as an introvert, then she’s going to be able to relax.
Unlike many other men, you don’t rush.
Because of this, she experiences you as naturally confident and at ease in your own skin.
Not only does this engender trust, but it also creates intrigue.
As you escalate in a gentle steady way, she’s wondering when and if you’ll go to the next step, and then the next.
Introverted men are attractive to her because as a woman, her body is turned on over a more gradual period. When you take your time, she can luxuriate in the moment.
2. Your awareness of your own body helps her relax.
Men are often nervous without even noticing how that nervousness impacts their own body, much less hers.
As an introvert, you are naturally introspective and self-aware, so you’re able to catch your own nervousness before it’s detected by her.
This gives her space to relax.
You’ll notice it, and when you’re well-skilled, you’ll be able to let that nervousness melt away so that all that’s left is relaxed excitement.
When you get really good at this, which you’re naturally predisposed to do, you and she will both be in bliss.
3. Your empathy towards her body turns her on.
Your introspective nature is not only helpful when it comes to reading your own internal environment. It is also helpful in reading her body and responsiveness to you.
While every woman has her own personal expression of chemistry, you’re able to see a layer deeper into what’s actually going on chemistry-wise.
Rather than sifting through unreliable surface signs of turn-on from her like twirling hair or downcast eyes, you have a more refined ability:
Introverted men are attractive because your intuitive nature clues you into what is actually happening.
Underneath potential surface indications of interest, you notice the palpable feeling of attraction between you. You can feel her responding to your touch, melting into you a little bit…
Being able to read her body like this means she can follow you utterly and completely in the interaction.
As long as you know what you’re looking for and take the time to notice, you are effortlessly good at it. You can discover much more about this here.
4. Your attention to the environment is impressive.
When it comes to setting the mood and context in the most optimal way, guess what? Introverted men are attractive because you notice subtleties that others might miss.
Subdued lighting, chill music, and closed curtains all contribute to a wonderful mood.
Because you notice these details, you can create a magical environment for her where she can relax completely with you.
Your provision and attention enable her to trust you.
The environment seems so simple, and yet it really makes you so much more attractive to her when you’re aware of your surroundings.
The fact that you’ve got things handled helps her rest on a primal level and open to you more.
If you notice and adjust something that she may have missed, like the lighting, even better.
5. Your patient attitude toward learning makes things fun.
As an intellectual introvert, the more you know, the more you know that you don’t know.
Because of the way your mind works, you relish this. Since you love to learn, you approach bumps in the road of attraction with dignity and finesse.
Rather than viewing a challenge as an indication you’re not good enough, you’re curious about how to develop as a man and a lover at that moment.
This puts your lady at ease because there’s no pressure.
There are just fun, exciting opportunities for each of you to get to know yourselves and each other better. It’s all wonderful, and it’s all play.
Bottom line, you’re a natural.
Overall, your introverted nature gives you an advantage when it comes to turning on a woman: your pace, your body, her body, the environment, and the process.
Like in Aikido or the subtlest nuances in partner dancing, the most aware and relaxed man wins.
He wins pleasure, his woman’s happiness, and the opportunity to become a continually more extraordinary lover.
If you are an introverted man who hasn’t yet become fully proficient at the above, know that the seedling is in you. It just is. In my experience, you guys are always — ALWAYS — closer than you think you are.
Introverted men are attractive by nature. So if that is a part of who you are, you will be able to tap into your own unique demonstration of those qualities.
You can start by considering which of the above five advantages you’d like to hone next. Then simply have fun focusing on developing it more.
In Conclusion, Why Introverted Men Are Attractive:
Great news: YOU can be a man women are incredibly attracted to.
Sure, you may have to learn how, but it’s totally doable. Men are doing it all the time around here.
They’re finding what’s already amazing about them.
Then they can turn on their own distinctive charm and have it work for them to attract women.
Not with a sketchy sleazy vibe, but in the most genuine and easeful way possible.
What happens when you follow suit and find yourself attracting women naturally?
Your awesome experiences will answer the question, “Are introverts at a disadvantage?” for you.
You’ll see that the only reason introversion APPEARS to be a disadvantage is that until now, you’ve probably only been exposed to teachings that are extrovert-centric pickup tricks.
It’s no surprise that something that was never made for you doesn’t work for you.
Introversion does not put you at a disadvantage or make intimate connections inherently harder.
The only reason you may have felt apprehensive meeting new people in the past is that you were picking up the wrong textbook, so to speak.
Happily, there’s a better way.
When you find your own vibe and make it work for you effortlessly, you’ll come to understand just how and why introverted men are attractive to all types of women.
Yay! So, next steps: