Benefits of Being Prepared
Being prepared with conversation topics is important for introverted men.
As an introverted guy, your mind can rest only when it has a proper framework for what is happening and what is likely to happen next.
This is not a weakness; it is a strength.
That’s the case with many traits you have.
You may not realize that you are a wealth of interesting, compelling stories that any woman would LOVE to share in.
That’s why this guide is NOT a list of clever word-for-word conversation starters because you don’t need that.
I’m not going to offer you THAT ONE LINE that will supposedly “pick up any woman” because you don’t need that either.
Instead, we’re focusing on quality conversation topics, quality conversation habits, that will help you connect with quality women next time you’re out.
This guide will offer you practical, easy-to-implement steps that make having an engaging conversation feel natural.
With enough practice of the principles and tools in this guide, you can build on chemistry almost effortlessly across various conversation topics as you please.
Does this sound familiar?
You’ve said everything you can think of to say.
Instead of being riveted or even mildly interested, she’s clearly bored, and you feel as though you’ve failed.
We’ve all had awkward conversations filled with boring small talk and painful pauses.
So the good news is you’re not alone if you hate small talk and the one-word answers that often go along with that.
The TRULY good news is that you do not have to keep enduring this.
You also don’t have to work tirelessly to create a great experience for her either. You really don’t.
It is entirely possible to simply be yourself, talk only about conversation topics that are actually interesting to BOTH of you, and deepen the chemistry… all while looking (and feeling) like a badass conversationalist.
What Your Conversations Can Look Like
Here’s what natural, easeful conversation topics looks like for introverts.
Conversation for introverts becomes much simpler when it’s genuinely fun for both people involved!
Let’s look at a framework on conversation for introverted men.
Our Liberating Conversation Framework
When you are interested in a woman, you are experiencing her.
That experience is really pleasurable for you because there are so many things about her that are totally enriching for you to be around.
Part of it is her physical attractiveness and part of it is her vibe, which is simply how she is coming across.
Just through who she is, she contributes to you having a certain experience of her.
Same thing with you.
If a woman feels chemistry with you, she’s having an experience with you, and she likes it.
Otherwise, she wouldn’t be talking to you or going on a date with you.
If you are expressing your values through what you say, you won’t be feeling dull, uninteresting, or needy.
When you are in touch with your values, you are giving the person you’re with an experience.
How powerful or full of flavor that experience is is something you can hone forever.
You can’t change the fact that she is having an experience with you. The great thing about that is that it’s already happening. So it takes the pressure off.
She’s already decided to engage in conversation with you, and if she’s showing flirting signs while on a date with you, SHE CLEARLY LIKES TO EXPERIENCE YOU.
We are all experiences that other people have, and vice versa.
This is why it’s so important to have a really good vibe, because people are always experiencing other people when they’re together.
If the vibe isn’t quite right or a person is completely out of touch with his values, well that’s an experience too (and not a good one!). You can discover much more about this here.
What exactly is your vibe?
It’s made of two things:
1) Your Values and Factors
What’s important to you and what your best qualities are.
That’s the hue of your vibe, the color.
(My free ebook explains this in depth here.)
2) Your Seven-Levels Mix
The quality of your perspective on yourself, others, and life itself.
Wherever you fall on the seven levels represents the purity of that hue.
(My article on the 7 Levels Framework covers that.)
Some people are totally out of touch with their Values and Factors.
So they exist in the “lower levels” which are much less empowering almost all the time. Therefore they have a less appealing Seven-Levels Mix.
If that’s the case, their hue is going to be a murky color.
When they get stronger in their levels and they have their Values and Factors top of mind, it becomes a brighter, more beautiful color.
It’s still them, only brighter and more seductive.
It changes and becomes more beautiful the higher they get in the levels.
How does this apply practically to any given conversation? How does it translate to what to talk about on a date or when you first meet a woman?
One key to using your conversation topics well is to understand taking versus offering.
Taking Versus Offering
If you think about it, asking a woman questions without caring about the answer is irritating.
What if she’s tired and had a long day? Maybe her voice is tired. Now, she’s answering questions that you don’t even care about.
It’s almost insulting actually. Well, it is insulting. It’s irritating.
Definitely don’t do that!
Instead, offer to her.
If you’re talking about something that you are excited about or you’ve noticed about her, think of it as an offering to her.
You’re offering her something.
If you’re asking her questions, even if open-ended questions and especially if you’re just trying to fill space with words, you’re pulling from her.
That said, if you’re very interested in what her answer is and there’s already a great vibe and rapport there, asking a good question can be fantastic.
At that point, she wants to invest in the conversation because she likes you.
If you’re asking a question about what she does in her free time and you don’t care what the answer is, then you’re asking something from her without giving her a reason to give you that thing. Again, don’t do that!
This is a good way to think of it: taking versus offering.
You’re offering if you’re just saying something that requires nothing of her.
If you’re inviting her to offer something, then that should only be when there’s already a good vibe between you and you’re genuinely interested in what you’re asking.
Your 3 Basic Conversation Topics
There are three broad conversation topic areas you can fall back on during any conversation.
These are not only introverted conversation topics, they are central conversation topics in general.
These three areas help change up the dynamics a bit without you having to work too hard to find something clever and witty to say.
The 3 Topic Areas:
- The Environment
Let’s break down these conversation topics a little more.
Conversation Topic #1: The Environment
The environment is the safest, least vulnerable conversation area.
Here are a few interesting conversation topics you can mention or point out about the environment:
- other people you notice in the venue
- the vibe of the room
- the food/drinks
- the music
- if it’s a beautiful day/night
Your immediate surrounding environment is an easy place to start.
“What if I’m uncomfortable because of the environment?”
It’s true that introverts are often more affected by the environment than extroverts.
Loud or chaotic environments may make you feel pressured to fill the silence or overcompensate in some way. It’s important to realize that your presence is enough.
If she likes you, your presence is enough.
When she feels excited and feels chemistry with you, then for her, just being next to you and having lots to look at in that environment is okay.
If you want to take a moment to consider where you want the conversation to go, think about what you’ve talked about so far.
- Is there anything you’re curious about?
- Has anything that happened recently that you want to share?
- Is there anything in the environment that interests you?
Go back to the three areas of conversation: The Environment, Her, or You. Every time you are at a loss of what to say, go back to them.
If you are at a pause in the conversation, don’t panic.
It’s totally fine for her to wait for a few minutes for you to think about this.
It will take less than 10-15 seconds to think of something, especially once you have practice at it.
Just think about what feels most natural to talk about and what you’re most interested in, and then just bring it up.
Conversation Topic #2: Her
If you want to direct the conversation toward her, you can bring up something you notice about her.
This is a pretty direct thing to do especially in starting a conversation.
That can feel pleasantly bold, or it can feel like too much. So pay attention to your intuition and how you are feeling in your own skin.
Here are a few conversation topics you can mention about her:
- what she’s wearing
- something that’s beautiful about her
- what she said or talked about earlier
- a text or social media message she sent you yesterday
- something you can tell about her or her vibe
- an aspect of her that you see is knowledgeable or playful
- just something you generally noticed about her as a person.
Once you’ve given her a compliment…
You can talk about something you notice about her as a person as well.
Either ask her a question or make a comment about her as a person. People love to feel others being interested in them and generally have a lot to say about themselves. It’s a topic she’ll be able to talk about.
And your comment or question doesn’t always have to be about her physical appearance or presence. You can get to know her better through asking fun things about her, like:
If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you choose?
What are your favorite foods and/or favorite restaurants?
If you could do anything for work, what would be your dream job?
What are your favorite movies to watch to relax?
What is your favorite season or time of year and how do you like to celebrate it?
Conversation Topic #3: You
Also somewhat vulnerable, but less bold than turning the conversation toward her, is bringing up something you notice about yourself.
This can range anywhere from fairly vulnerable to quite vulnerable. It depends.
The more comfortable you get with conversation topics in general, the more you can play with this one.
Here are a few things you can mention about yourself:
- what you’re thinking about or that you’re excited about
- something relevant and recent in your life
- a positive and fun thing that you’re doing.
It’s fun to learn about what other people are doing, and you yourself are likely doing all kind of fun things.
You can say something top of mind, and maybe she’ll be interested in it.
For example, you could say…
“Right before I came here, I watched this documentary on Netflix and it was really interesting.”
There might be a connection there. You can just offer it out there to see if it’s something that’s interesting to her too.
Also, if you’re feeling a connection with her and her body language is warm towards you and she seems to be enjoying talking with you…
You can share how you’re feeling around her.
This is flirtatious and vulnerable.
This is for when you feel chemistry with her and some rapport already. For example, you’re having a conversation and you lose what you’re going to say.
That’s a great thing. It means you really like her.
You’d rather spend time with someone you really like and have it be vulnerable than to spend it with someone you’re not as into, right?
If there’s chemistry building, it can be a great way to deepen the excitement.
This is perfect if you’re trying to think of what to say, but it’s hard because she’s having such an effect on you.
If she’s really having that big of an effect on you, and it’s making it hard for you to think, you can tell her that.
You can say that!
The best part about it is that it’s NOT a pickup line.
It’s not fake. It’s real. It actually is true.
You can say something like…
“Honestly, I can’t think of what to say. You’re having such an effect on me. I feel so attracted to you.”
Use whatever words come to you about what an effect she’s having on you.
It’s just true. If you feel nervous and excited around her, you can say it.
It doesn’t make you look weak.
In fact, it’s a really bold thing to say.
Someone who is really sheepish would feel nervous so they wouldn’t say it.
Someone who’s using a weird pickup line is going to look tense and weird, and she can tell something’s “off” even if she can’t put her finger on it.
BUT FOR YOU…. If you say it only when you are feeling it, it’s going to be (and therefore come across as!) genuine.
Once you’ve said that, you’re going to need a good way to segue away from that and into more conversation (unless of course she leans over to kiss you, which — ask our clients — is actually likely at that point).
At that point, bring back in any of the other conversation topics. They’re right there for you to use.
Also, incorporating touch this whole time makes things way more exciting without having to rely on words, because there’s a whole language of touch going on at the same time. You can discover much more about this here.
It’s essentially two conversations: words and touch.
(We’ll have a post coming out soon explaining exactly how to do that.)
So, those are the three topic areas, and they are always relevant: The Environment, Her, and You.
They will always be present. You can always talk about those things.
That’s the basics of the three conversation topics you can talk about that aren’t far fetched.
They are immediate. They are part of what’s happening now.
If you were to randomly talk about something you didn’t do recently or it’s not even on your mind, then that will seem far fetched (because it would be).
If you talk about what’s happening now, it’s easy.
Start the Conversation
How to bring up something genuine you notice and like, in the environment and/or in her.
There’s a lot that happens well BEFORE any words come out of your mouth when you are making a connection with a new woman in social situations.
First you see her in the room, make your way towards her, get in her line of sight, and then you say something.
There’s a whole in-depth process for “approach” as a whole, but today we’re going to focus on what to SAY to a woman at first.
What conversation topics are best for those first few words you exchange with her?
It’s important that your social interactions feel natural, relevant, pleasant, and genuine.
Two tried-and-true options accomplish this
- Talk about the environment
- Compliment her
Just as I mentioned in the section above on the three broad conversation topics, there is plenty to get you started in these two areas.
Let’s say you’re at a party. You could…
- Comment positively on the music, venue, people, drinks, or something that looks delicious at the appetizer table if you’re there and it’s in front of you both (environment)
- Compliment something you notice about her or what she’s wearing (her; must be genuine!)
You could also mix and match conversation topics, like this:
- Ask how she knows the host (her + environment)
- Comment on how something she’s wearing matches the environment (her + environment; only if true and you’re inspired!)
These will get you started at a party.
If you’re at a class, you can do the same thing as above, and you can also work in AFTER an initial comment about the environment or compliment towards her.
For example, at a class you could bring up…
- How long has she been coming to class? (her + environment; must be a genuine question; do not ask just to ask, only if you honestly want to know)
- Compliment her skills (if at yoga or a baking class and you noticed that about her)
The possibilities are endless because she is unique and the environment is unique, and so there is lots to notice.
Once you approach a woman, what do you say? That’s what we’ll cover next.
Carry the Conversation
How to maintain interest from both sides, for as long as it’s a fit
What to say after you approach a woman? How to hold a conversation as an introvert?
Once you’re in conversation with her, here’s how to carry a conversation that you both enjoy.
The conversation can be a platform for you to explore chemistry both body-to-body (very subtle, by using light touch) and mind-to-mind (covered below).
Avoid Interview Mode
Have you ever gotten stuck in “question mode”?
You ask; she answers.
You ask something else; she answers again.
Soon, you realize that not only is SHE losing interest, but YOU don’t even care about her answers. (!)
At that point, you are feeling desperate to keep the conversation going; meanwhile, she’s wondering, “Is this a date or an interview?!?”
In these moments, you have an interest in talking with her, but you don’t necessarily have an interest in what you are talking about.
This is important.
This is where neediness starts to come through, and you feel it. You feel needy in that moment when you are doing backflips trying to make the conversation work.
It’s also when she feels the neediness from you. She’s thinking…
“Well, if we’re not enjoying this conversation, then what do you want out of this? If it is not enjoyable right now, which it clearly isn’t, why are you still trying to keep it going?”
Happily, there’s a way to avoid that ENTIRE situation. (Thank goodness!)
And, it’s really simple…
Every time you open your mouth, make sure it’s something that you feel good saying.
It might not be the most interesting thing you’ve ever said; it just has to be something that feels a little curious, a little engaging.
The only way to avoid “interview mode” trap is to continually be aware of her, yourself, and the vibe between you.
Then use the three conversation topics to help you in better knowing how to carry a conversation with a woman.
Conversation and Connection
Connection is not as elusive as it might seem.
As long as you’re interested in her and in what you’re talking about, as long as you’re listening and incorporating light touch, you’re going to make a connection.
That’s all it’s about.
The biggest cause of lack of connection is the assumption of disconnection.
People do it all the time.
Building these conversation skills are just a way to strengthen your connection.
The more you have conversations, the more you go on dates, the more you see that there is to learn about human connection and chemistry.
That’s great when it’s a hunger for knowledge to up your game over and over again.
You really can get extraordinary at something. The sky’s the limit.
Don’t worry so much about the fears you might have: “I don’t feel like I can do this, I’m not competent enough…“
There’s no magic-skill-potion.
Everyone is a human trying to figure out how to connect with other humans.
Instead of just accessing your own internal assessment of the situation, try to also source from the outside too for deepened confidence.
Look at the positive responses you have in your life: family relationships, friendships, good connections with coworkers…
That’s real data. Pay attention to that instead of isolating into just what is already going on in your head.
The world is bigger; important data points are out there. Make sure you remember that.
You already have everything you need, and that’s why you don’t need to use scripted lines.
With lines, you didn’t do anything. You’re not being creative or original.
A million other men could say those same lines. There’s nothing about you that’s showcased there.
There’s no reason why she should be more attracted to you just because you’re using those lines. You didn’t come up with them. It’s saying nothing about you.
Everybody knows that, and it creates a sense of unrest in whoever uses them.
This is why the pickup artist technique doesn’t work for introverts.
The problem is that if someone feels that what he’s saying has nothing to do with what’s attractive about him uniquely and if it’s just a line, that’s demoralizing.
It can actually decrease confidence. It’s like depending on something else that isn’t you.
There are many more elegant ways, many more self-respecting ways, to create chemistry with women. There are more natural and intuitive ways.
And, remember, nobody is going to fault you if things don’t go perfectly smoothly.
She’s not going to say, “Okay, you didn’t do that perfectly. Well, I guess I’m not attracted to you anymore.”
That’s just not how it works.
If she’s warm and open and enjoying you, she wants you to do well. She wants to do well too.
I think men often think women are 100% cool and calm and collected. That is simply not how it is.
Everybody has some self-doubt, and that is okay.
Effortlessly Show Your Best
How to bring out your attractive traits for her to see, without bragging or trying too hard.
If you’re attracted to her, you want her to have a solid chance at being attracted to you too!
That is being generous.
One way you can generously show her what is great about you so she can easily see is by working those things into your conversation topics.
Specifically, what do you most deeply value and what are your most attractive qualities?
I call these values and qualities “Values and Factors”. These are the qualities that “factor into” your attractiveness.
Leveraging Your Values & Factors
Let’s talk about how you can display your values in what you say.
(If you’ve not done this Introverted Alpha exercise yet, get it for free in my “Why PUA Doesn’t Work for Introverts & What Works Instead” ebook)
For example, let’s say your Values and Factors are as follows:
One approach that’s really good for working your Values and Factors into your conversation topics is to think of a few stories that showcase them.
This can be great if someone hasn’t spent as much time developing their social skills yet. It’s also really helpful if your mind goes a little blank when you’re attracted to someone.
These personal Values and Factors stories are especially great when conversation topics come up that relates to them.
If you have them top of mind, it can be very helpful.
You can add in all this goodness about your Values and Factors, and what you’re sharing will naturally connect with whatever conversation topics are at hand.
There are a few ways to do this:
#1: Showcasing Situations
You can talk about a situation or scenario in your life where you’re already living those factors.
Or you could talk about an actual story that clearly demonstrates them.
Here’s an example…
Maybe she’s talking about having a hard day at work because she doesn’t know how to tell someone something.
You can listen, talk about it, and then you can say, “That sounds X (frustrating/upsetting/whatever it genuinely sounds like to you).”
Then… “I was in a situation like that once, and what I did there really helped resolve the situation. I can share it with you if you want.”
If there’s a great rapport and you’re being genuinely laid-back and pleasant, she’ll say yes. Then, you share a situation where you were thoughtful and honest… a situation that shows your skillful communication.
You share, and then you’re offering her, “Well, this worked for me. Maybe it will work for you.”
So, it’s generous, but you’re also showcasing that you’re honest and thoughtful and you were able to draw on that. And, now you’re offering it to her.
It’s not bragging at all. You’re being generous in that moment.
She’s struggling with something. You share how you overcame a similar struggle. You’re offering it generously to her.
That’s one way to develop conversation topics in that generous spirit.
You can see how if you’re telling a story like that, it’s overlapping with you and her: two of our conversation topic areas.
#2: Fun Stories
Another way you can bring them into conversation is in a fun or playful story.
If you’re talking about your childhood or anything about kids, that’s a fun thing.
Or you could talk about a time in life that, for you personally, felt really playful.
It’s a story that’s fun or funny and easily showcases your playfulness or anything else about you like passion or adventure…
These are light, fun things.
You can show that part of yourself by talking about a story from the past or a recent story, maybe something that happened just the other day.
PRO TIP: As things happen in your life, take notice: “Oh look! In this scenario, I feel really playful. Okay, great.”
All you have to do is notice that, and when you’re talking to someone and that kind of vibe comes up, then you can share that fun story.
It naturally showcases your light side.
#3: Meaningful Moments
Another way you can bring your values and factors into a conversation is by talking about what’s important to you.
This is for deeper, more meaningful conversations.
You can have those kinds of conversations anywhere.
There are some people who are more intense and like to have those conversations, as it’s a way for them to bond, regardless of their environment.
Personally, I had a really wonderful conversation with a man at a salsa club where I was able to see how strong and deep he was.
It was so loud that we could barely hear each other. He told me about these adventures he had and what they meant to him.
We were having a very deep conversation in the hallway as people were passing by us and dancing. It was a chaotic environment, and it was fun.
It was even the first time we’d met, and it was just where the conversation went.
That worked for me, because I can be pretty intense and like to talk about those things, and he did too.
Two intense people are two peas in a pod. You can talk about intense things regardless of the place, and it’s fun.
If it’s natural and intuitive for both of you, don’t worry and ask,
“Should we talk about this here?”
If you’re feeling it, and you’re enjoying the conversation together, who says you can’t? Of course you can.
You can always have meaning-based conversation topics, as long as she seems like a deep, thoughtful person, as well.
If you are, and that’s her vibe too, she might be really open to that. And you can establish common ground.
A really good way to start these deeper meaning conversations is to lightly introduce it.
I’m thinking back to my conversation, and that’s how he did it. He just lightly introduced the topic.
Then, when he saw that I was very interested, he’d share a little more and more. Eventually, we were both just sharing.
He just introduced the idea to gauge if I wanted to talk about it. Obviously, if it’s in a more lighthearted environment, not everyone is going to want to talk about those deeper things.
So, if it is kind of out of place, you can always just gauge her warmth to see if she’s into it.
Be open to her being into it, though. If she is, you can have a great conversation about her values.
And trust / love your own story!
Maybe you grew up very shy or you really struggled to develop your professional or social skills. That’s really admirable. No one else has your story.
The kind of woman that you would really connect with will appreciate these things about you and might even have a similar story about what she was able to learn or go through.
Even if she doesn’t, she’ll really admire yours.
How soon is too soon for personal stories?
You can feel whether you have a genuine connection in half an hour. You really can.
As long as you have a good rapport with each other and you feel a connection, you can gingerly introduce the topic and if she responds warmly, that’s great.
It can be the first time that you’ve met, and that’s fine.
The way to gauge if the vibe is right is just to introduce it. If she doesn’t respond or starts talking about something more lighthearted, then go with that.
Just because you introduce it doesn’t mean you have to continue talking about it. And if she brings up something deeper or more meaningful, that’s a definite invitation from her to talk about those things.
As for more personal information that is quite sensitive or that you share with very few people, save that for when there’s trust built over a longer period of time.
Keep it Light
How to avoid small talk while still keeping it light.
Sometimes, it’s not the right vibe to be super intense or go to that deeper level right away. What do you do in those moments if you are naturally a more intense, deep kind of guy?
Trying to stay surface level and forcing small talk feels awkward (and if it feels awkward for you, you can be damn sure it does for her too!).
Here’s how to be free of “small talk” and still keep the vibe light in your conversation topics.
It starts before you ever arrive at the venue or start a conversation.
Talking in a Different Light
Seeing the world differently opens up a lot for you.
This a skill.
I’ve had a couple of different men in my life who have both been especially fun and funny.
I’ve known each of them over the past several years, and now I’m so much more funny!
Before them, humor felt quite elusive to me. Through hanging out with them, though, I can now phrase things in a way that gets a good laugh and is fun for everybody.
After years of practice, I love that I can now make people laugh whenever I want to. It’s so fun to know something will be funny and then to watch them light up because it is.
Even in the beginning when I was still learning basics, it was still fun! You don’t have to be a pro at something to enjoy it.
It’s a skill I’ve developed through hanging out with them and watching more standup comedy as well.
Also just letting myself see things in a funny, light way… I don’t have to try so hard to be playful in conversation now, because it just happens.
It’s a part of how I see things.
If you make it a point to hang out with friends who are really funny or who have other qualities that you admire, it will bring those qualities out more in you.
Over time, you can start talking about things in a more fun and light way.
Sometimes it can take a while to build up a different side of your personality like that, often a few months.
It definitely took me a while to notice a change — it wasn’t necessarily a focus of my life right then, but I did want to become more playful.
Now, it’s effortless and easy. That’s great, because then you have more of a range. You can be lighter and more playful just because you see things in a more fun way.
Everyone has their own sense of humor style. If you hang out with people that have a great sense of humor style that you enjoy, it can rub off on you.
Even just seeing funny things, seeing humor or irony as you go throughout your day, can help you become more lighthearted with yourself.
Then you’re already in that frame of mind.
When you go out later, you’ll feel light, because that’s been your internal dialogue all day long.
It’s not immediate. It’s a sustainable solution. It actually makes a change in how you see things.
Plus, it’s fun. It’s nice to laugh and see things in a lighter way. What a relief to have that range and to be able to use it when you want, whether at a cocktail party, one of the networking events you go to, a first date, or wherever you may find yourself.
It’s all part of self-actualizing as you become better at social skills and dating, by becoming more of your own uniquely attractive introverted self.
Four ways to avoid small talk, while still keeping it light.
It’s traditionally difficult for introverts to connect with people on a shallow, small-talk level. Why?
Human beings, especially introverted ones, long for more depth.
The usual way introverts go about getting that is by having deep, meaningful conversations.
In-depth conversation topics are great, but if that’s the only facet you can connect with someone on, that can become an issue.
This is because in a setting where everyone else is in a light, playful mood – and your serious deep conversation topics are just not flowing with the vibe, like a note out of key in a musical chord – you are going to feel left out.
The problem with that one-dimensionality (and it is one-dimensional, even if at the time, you feel you’re way more dimensional than everyone else who is so ‘shallow’…) the problem is you might feel so continually serious all the time that it isn’t fun, but you might feel locked into it somehow like it is “just who you are”.
The truth is, you not only long for depth but also lightness.
Am I right?
As you expand your capacity for fun and lightness, it becomes much easier to connect with people without going deep into serious conversation topics.
You can keep the mood happy-go-lucky and still feel “in your element” and connected.
How do you avoid small talk while still keeping it light across various conversation topics as an introverted guy?
(1) Focus on the positive in people.
Not only is positivity important for mental health, it can help you build connection with others.
At first, it may be deep values like integrity, kindness that you see, and then you might start noticing the quirky fun light things you find endearing about them.
It can bring you so much joy!
It is so fun and special to really see a person and reflect back to them what you are seeing.
To take delight in another human being and express that delight is one of the purest most beautiful gifts we can give.
Also, it naturally endears that person to us.
(2) Meet them where they’re at.
It’s a growing-up moment when we stop expecting people to meet us where we are at and decide instead to come over to meet them where they are at.
If you’re sitting at a distance, arms crossed, judging them for being so light, that creates distance.
In that moment, you might feel simultaneously jealous that you can’t just “let go” and “have fun” like them – while also judging them for being shallow, out of touch, leaving you out.
For heaven’s sakes! That’s so heavy.
The problem is you just may not be feeling the love, the enjoyment, the appreciation of that moment with those people.
It’s hard to appreciate people when you’ve got a bunch of stories about them in your mind and feel like there is a set way that they see you.
As you shed these things over time by strengthening your mindset, it becomes much easier to relate to others in a more playful way.
You can stop stuffing myself inside the box others expect you to be in simply because you have always been in there.
You can start peeking outside the box, stepping outside your shell a little.
This does not mean changing your personality or who you are on a fundamental level, just adding some dimensionality to it through being more playful and happy.
(3) Notice your own playfulness.
Have you ever surprised yourself with a playful and light side of you that you didn’t even know you had?
Playfulness is natural.
It has nothing to do with introversion or extroversion.
It has to do with HAPPINESS and lightness and our shared inherent capacity for it.
When you notice that part of yourself, you become able to stop judging it in others, and you can start letting it come out in yourself.
You can take risks on saying things you think might be funny, feeling out how others responded, and basically learning “you” through the reflections of others.
(4) Surround yourself with lightness.
If you surround yourself with fun and funny people, this all becomes much easier.
One simple way to do this is to simply start watching stand-up comedy and then see your friends’ humor through that lens.
You can slowly get a sense over time of what is funny and why or how.
Before long, you can start seeing the bright funny side of things, even difficult things. And these things can become funny conversation starters.
Being able to notice the funny things makes you feel more at ease and happy, and as a result, you start feeling more confident in your own skin.
Relating well with others (and ourselves) comes down to us giving ourselves permission to be happy, full of life, and expressive, in whatever ways that means for us as individuals.
When we do that, we move beyond frantically trying to avoid small talk because we have so much fun just keeping it light in other ways!
Not only our conversation topics but also the way we converse in general becomes more varied and fun.
As you practice, you’ll inevitably gain momentum and start to enjoy yourself quite a lot.
From there, women will enjoy you even more too.
Conclusion: Conversation Topics for Introverted Men
As with everything we teach at Introverted Alpha on the blog and in our 1:1 dating coaching program, all this talk about good conversation topics is first and foremost about self-actualization.
Yes, it’s very practical and will help you connect better with women. Knowing how to start a conversation with a woman and how not to start a conversation… these are useful skills.
At the same time, what ends up being most fulfilling is becoming more of yourself.
That’s what our clients say over and over is their favorite part of the whole experience.
The dates are wonderful and knowing how to talk to a woman and hold her interest are great skills. It also feels great not to have to make small talk that doesn’t feel fun or be too lost in your own thoughts to connect with new people in front of you.
It’s fantastic to find a natural conversation rhythm for your unique personality type, but the best part, though, is the man you become in the process.
For next steps, get our free 22-page ebook on finding what is so attractive about you deep down, that you can bring out in conversations! The exercise you’re looking for is on page 8. ;)