Want to find out if the woman you’re attracted to is single? Read on…
Online dating may not be perfect, but at least you can be confident that the women you meet online are single.
Great news is finding out whether someone is single doesn’t have to be so intense.
Sure, it would be great if every woman you met in person had “Available” or “Unavailable” in flashing lights above her head, in traffic-light green or stop-light red…
Reason being, the fact that you’re a more private person might make asking a woman if she’s single feel too invasive, blunt, or cheesy.
You don’t necessarily want to talk about dating / relationship status, so why would she?
I get it.
Awesomely, there are a few simple keys to find out whether she’s single without being awkward about it.
Would you have asked this rock-climber if she was single?
One of our clients is an avid indoor rock climber. He’s also a bit shy around attractive women.
Despite the abundance of attractive women at his rock-climbing gym, before he came to us he typically stayed to himself and focused on climbing.
One Sunday morning, however, he was about to start his climb when a woman approached him and asked him about the wall’s difficulty.
She was beautiful and obviously an experienced climber.
He felt himself tense. Nevertheless, he answered her question and introduced himself.
They had some light chit-chat, and he wanted to ask her to climb with him but didn’t want to be too blunt.
The conversation stalled. He realized he needed to say something, so he asked, “Do you climb regularly?”
She said, “Sometimes…” and then trailed off, waving to a guy who just walked onto the floor.
Then she said, “Oh. My partner’s here. Gotta go. See ya next time.”
He said goodbye and resumed his climbing… taking out his angst on each foothold and handhold.
The question swirled in his head:
“Did I just blow a golden opportunity?”
He looked over at her. She was laughing and helping secure her climbing partner’s harness.
“Nah,” he thought, “She’s taken.”
After the climb, Ben was getting into his car to go home when he saw her and her partner leave as well.
There was a brief mini-hug, a wave, and then they parted ways.
“Maybe she’s not taken after all,” he thought. Right then, he swore he’d ask her out the next time he saw her.
There was something about her besides her physical beauty that he really liked and felt drawn to.
After three weeks of anticipating seeing her again and not seeing her at all, he decided to get our professional help to build dating skills once and for all.
Here’s what we told him in our coaching work:
There are a few keys to find out if she is single:
Many guys have experienced the angst of wondering whether a woman is available.
Momentum dies the moment one of these thoughts creep in:
- “She’s beautiful… she must be taken.”
- “I’ll look like an a**hole if I ask.”
- “This conversation is going too well. I don’t want to screw it up.”
There are a million reasons NOT to find out if she is single.
The problem is, not finding out leads to a whole lot of nothing. And we want SOMETHING with a beautiful woman as long as she’s both available and interested.
It’s easier to find out than you think.
It starts right at the source of the confidence problem and leads you straight toward discovering if she is single or taken.
Here are the steps…
Be at ease with your single status.
You may be looking for a woman you jive with enough to make your girlfriend; you may be looking for many women to date and play with for some sexy fun…
Either way, you want to attract women.
And that’s awesome.
Many guys are not comfortable with their single relationship status.
They see it as a problem… as a neon sign flashing, “I HAVE TROUBLE ATTRACTING WOMEN.”
Jeez, that’s stressful!
If this is how you feel, then of course you’d suffer from undue pressure whenever the topic of dating comes up. (!)
When you are with a woman you’re interested in, of course trying to find out if she is single feels awkward.
If you’re uncomfortable sharing your availability status, asking hers feels hypocritical.
Yet, you can release all this pressure and awkwardness by finding peace with your goal.
Realize that plenty of people are single. ESPECIALLY if you are skill-building around dating and attraction, you have nothing to be ashamed about.
So, the next time you’re talking with a woman you like, remind yourself that wanting dates / romance / companionship is 100% natural.
If she likes you, she’ll be excited that you’re single.
See dating as an introvert in a positive light.
The next step is to zoom out to the whole context of dating as an introvert and think about it with a sense of positivity and empowerment.
Why? Because you’re about to offer your interest to her.
It’s a vulnerable moment… and unless you can express interest in a warm and positive way, it’s not going to be pretty.
On the other hand, if you can talk about dating with a sense of lightness and fun, any pressure about her response and the situation in general will melt away.
(And you’ll be and feel all the more attractive for it.)
Your positive tone will create a more chill, attractive atmosphere for both of you.
Telling this to our client, an idea occurred to him:
You know, that’s not too far off from what I would already say in a typical conversation. I might ask if she comes rock-climbing often, and it would only be a small shift to ask her if she comes with her roommate, her friends, her boyfriend…
He was exactly right!
Bring up dating casually in one of these ways:
Bringing up the topic of dating doesn’t have to be some emotionally solemn experience. It can be as chill and easygoing as being curious, moving things along with her gently, or bringing it up almost as a hobby.
Specifically, here are some ways you can find out if she is single or not:
(A) You can find out in a relaxed easy tone…
- “By the way, are you single? I saw you with that guy and wasn’t sure…”
Or you can simply start to convey your interest in her slowly and respectfully and give her lots of space to tell you whether or not she is available.
(B) You can also be gentle and direct…
- Incorporate light touch as you start a conversation with her.
- Gently ask for her number or invite her on a date (and let her decline as needed!).
(C) You can bring up dating as a hobby, almost…
- “I’ve been dating lately, and it’s been a lot of fun to meet new interesting people.” (This gives her an opportunity to share about her experience as well!)
If you view dating as a hobby of sorts (meeting women and going on dates is pretty fun, after all!), then this starts to feel quite natural.
By bringing this subject up in a no-pressure fun way, two things happen:
- You automatically differentiate yourself from the very large and un-fun crowd who tends to all-to-easily complain about dating.
- You open the door for her to discuss her own dating life without the awkward build-up.
Best of all, taking the pressure out of the dating topic lessens any awkwardness that may come if she turns out to have a boyfriend after all.
You’re not out on a limb terrified of rejection; you’re just having a fun time and exploring.
That’s pretty badass.
How to find out if she is single:
For some guys, to find out if she is single feels like no big deal.
For many others, though, to find out if she is single feels too vulnerable and sounds too aggressive, so they hold back… and they never find out the answer.
By practicing these three keys, you can can ask the question even in your shiest moments.
Here’s how, in summary:
- Remember that the desire to attract women is 100% natural.
- Prepare to be positive and empowered about dating.
Specific words to use:
- Bring up dating casually in one of these three ways:
- Relaxed and easy
- Gentle and direct
- As a no-pressure hobby.
It may feel strange to directly find out if she is single at first. That said, the more you do it, the easier it becomes.
The end result?
More connections with more amazing women who want to date you.
Ready for more on what to do once you find out she is single after all?
- Check out our cornerstone article on flirting signs to see if she is into you.
- Peruse our 6,300-word conversation guide for introverted guys.
Editor’s Note: This post was originally published in March 2017 and was updated in September 2017 to add in the tactical part near the end on exactly how to bring up finding out if a woman is single.