How do you know if she wants you to talk to her… What are the clues?
When you see an attractive woman, do you ever think of approaching her but then don’t because you wonder, “Yeah, but how can I tell if she wants me to talk to her?”
I’m going to go out on a limb here and assume this has happened at least once.
Okay, a lot more than once.
Like, maybe every day if we’re going to get real.
The problem with this (and I know you’re fully aware of this fact) is that you’re cutting your opportunities short.
If you don’t talk to a woman you feel attracted to, you’ll never know what could have happened — what sparks could have flown and what adventures you could have shared.
How to know if she wants you to talk to her
Today, I’m giving you three points to unpack, “How can I tell if she wants me to talk to her?”
Once you’ve armed yourself with this new way of thinking, you’ll have more confidence and wherewithal to talk to an attractive woman whenever you want and let things unfold from there.
I’m writing about this today because one of our dating coaching clients shared this with me:
“A big thing I’d like to get better at is understanding cues, like understanding if someone wants me to talk to them or if they’re receptive to it. How can I tell if she wants me to talk to her? And then on the flip side, trying to pick up better if she is just like, ‘Don’t bother.'”
He essentially answered his own, “How can I tell if she wants me to talk to her?” question throughout our conversation.
I divided everything we discovered into three main points centering around the interview-interviewee analogy he came up with.
(This is an analogy I’ve heard many of you use before, which is one reason why I was so excited to write and share this with you!).
These will help you successfully sort the question, “How can I tell if she wants me to talk to her?” … and then do something about it.
1: Differentiate quality.
Introverted Alpha Principle: Differentiate between a potentially desirable woman versus an unpleasant situation altogether.
Interviewer/Interviewee Analogy: Differentiate between a potentially desirable company to work with versus an undesirable company altogether.
From our client in a phone call:
“A couple of years ago, I started improving my health and fitness more. Rather than join a gym, I got a pilates dvd and have been working out regularly at home ever since. I’ve gotten very strong.
“I was thinking of killing two birds with one stone and going to a pilates class once a week where I could potentially meet women too. But I’m not sure, do women want to be talked to there?
“I’ve heard that women working out just don’t want to be bothered. Is that true?”
It’s only true that a woman doesn’t want you to talk to her when she is either (a) in a hurry or (b) just not a pleasant person or in a pleasant mood.
If she’s (a) pleasant but in a hurry, you’ll see that overall, she looks kind and open, but that right now she’s moving quickly and seems very focused. That’s not a good time to approach her.
In the interviewer/interviewee analogy, she’s not “taking applications right now.”
If she’s (b) unpleasant in general, you can tell right away. She will have a more rigid, uptight demeanor and will seem cold.
In this case, there’s no need to talk to her at all because what could you possibly get out of it?
(I’m assuming you’re an easygoing, chill, good-natured guy who values the same qualities in women.)
Here was our client’s response to this:
“That makes a lot of sense because if she’s complaining or cold, that’s not a good person to be with anyway. You can tell that from the get-go.
“For example, am I going to spend a weekend with this girl if she’s a complainer? It’s gonna drive me crazy.
“Same thing with a company I might interview for: if the company has process problems or issues with their product, I’m not going to spend 40 hours a week with those clowns. It would be frustrating.”
Woman or company — if they’re obviously not the whole package, who cares if they’re “taking applications” or not?
The question, “How can I tell if she wants me to talk to her?” becomes irrelevant because you don’t want to get close to them anyway.
You can tell whether this is the case based on their general vibe. Sometimes you can see it from the start, and sometimes you need to apply/interview to find out.
For example, there are a lot of apps I use to run Introverted Alpha.
If an app’s website feels outdated or tacky, I know immediately the services aren’t what I want to work with anyway.
Compare any of those to average companies, and you’ll see the difference right away on their home pages. In my experience, that difference carries through the entire quality of the experience.
The same is true with any company or person.
So it’s not only a matter of, “How can I tell if she wants me to talk to her,” but, “How can I tell if I want to talk to her?”
2: “Fill your funnel” with eligible women.
Introverted Alpha Principle: You have to “fill your funnel” with eligible women if you want to find a great one.
Interviewer/Interviewee Analogy: Apply for the job! You have nothing to lose. If you want a great company, you have to fill your funnel with interviews.
From our client in a phone call:
“I compare finding a potential partner to a job search. I don’t want to call it an interview per se, but I do have a lot of experience applying for positions and interviewing with companies.
“Interviewing might even be good practice in general of being brave and going up and talking to someone even if it flames out. It’s like ‘applying to a position.’”
When it comes to approaching a woman who does seem to be open and pleasant and then answering, “How can I tell if she wants me to talk to her?” you can think of it in those terms of applying for a position.
Some companies are taking applications for some positions and not others: a contractor, short term hire, but maybe not a project manager, for example.
In the case of a woman, her openness to you depends on which “applications she has open”:
- Is she single and wants to date and play?
- Is she single and wants a boyfriend?
- Or is she not single but loves a great conversation?
At the same time, maybe she is single, but it’s for a position that you’re not a good fit to fill.
Maybe her preferences are slightly different from what’s “on your resume.”
That said, if she’s a “desirable company,” she is bound to have some position open, even if it’s just for a brief and pleasant chat.
So when you ask yourself, “How can I tell if she wants me to talk to her?” remember that she’s open to chat even if she’s not single.
People are curious about other people who seem warm and open.
Everyone loves to meet great new people, maybe to collaborate with later, or maybe to recommend to someone else or keep in mind.
Whenever you ask yourself, “How can I tell if she wants me to talk to her?” thinking about it as “filling your job market funnel” helps to normalize the situation.
It lessens the electric charge of the whole process so you can actually just go talk to her.
3: If it doesn’t progress, that’s okay!
Introverted Alpha Principle: You might not end up getting her number or going on a date, and that’s okay!
Interviewer/Interviewee Analogy: You might not end up “choosing to work with each other,” and that’s okay.
Being in touch with that before and during an interview or first conversation with a woman helps to remind you of your standards, which makes you more confident.
From our client:
“Sometimes when I see a job description, it looks good on paper. Then as I get to know them better through the interview process, sometimes I know this place is just not going to work for me — even though things look good from the outside.
“I’m looking for women with a particular style I’m very attracted to — in terms of her personality and her looks. She might be super hot, but if personality’s not there, it’s not going to work.
“That analogy sets in my mind really well. Google, for example. I liked the fact that I had a shot to get to know them better when I interview for a project management position. As I went through the phone screen, though, they alluded to things I wouldn’t like about the dynamics of an extremely large company.
“Even though they didn’t move forward with me, I was okay with it because I realized from the interaction it wasn’t a perfect fit.
“I like smaller companies, start-ups, but I got a chance to know them better. I had that first step. That’s the phase I’m at in the dating world.
“If I don’t talk to women, I’m not giving myself the chance to ‘apply for a position.’ They may not be the right person for me anyway, but at least I owe it to myself to get to that point.”
End Result Takeaway:
Just as with applying for a job, sometimes they might reach out to you. Maybe you’ve been recruited, but most of the time, you apply. The ball is in your court.
Similarly, some women will approach you, but you will still be doing most of the approaching. It’s up to you to “fill the funnel.”
One of you might bow out before the other.
From, “How can I tell if she wants me to talk to her?” to a conversation:
In addition to asking, “How can I tell if she wants me to talk to her,” you might also be asking yourself something else:
“What do I have to bring to the table once I do ‘apply’? What about me can spark sexual chemistry with her?”
To find that out, check out these resources:
- Our hallmark article, “7 Reasons Introverted Men Are So Damn Attractive.”
- Our piece on how to internalize your attractiveness as an introverted guy.
- And our free ebook on tapping into your own uniquely attractive vibe.
As you spend time with these resources, you’ll get a more accurate and encouraging snapshot of how women are perceiving you.
It’s a similar process to putting your resume together. It’s wise to know what you’re working with so you can present it as attractively as possible.
Editor’s Note: This article was originally published in January 2016 and was edited in September 2017 for visual styling, formatting, and overall helpfulness.