How to handle first date awkward silences.

You’re on a first date, and it’s going pretty well. Suddenly – an awkward silence. What to do?

Here are a few options for handling an uncomfortable pause in conversation:

Option 1: Start talking really fast and hope she doesn’t notice.

Option 2: Excuse yourself and crawl meekly into a hole.

Option 3: Wave a magic wand over the situation and make things better than they were beforehand.

Considering that Option 1 makes you look desperate and Option 2 is depressing, let’s go with Option 3. Don’t worry:

In this post, I’ll give you access to the wand you need to defeat the Awkward Silence Monster and show you exactly how to wield it.

Note: Awkward Silence is not equivalent to Silence Itself. The former is nerve-wracking while the latter can be peaceful, if not downright sexy. So keep that in mind as we continue.

Once you learn how to deal with the monster properly, then he can use every trick in the book against you, and it won’t phase you.

Instead of feeling anxious and embarrassed when an awkward silence happens, you’ll actually feel confident and open. As for your date, instead of shirking away from you, she’ll draw closer to you, long pause or not.

You’ll actually become more attractive to her than you were before the awkward silence even happened. 

A silence doesn’t have to be the end of the conversation.

How’s that for magic? Let’s get started:

First I’ll reveal what the Magic Wand is made of.
Then I’ll explain why it works.
Finally I’ll show you how to wield it.

The Magic Wand is made of two elements:
playfulness and transparency.

Playful: adjective. fond of games and amusement; lighthearted. Intended for one’s own or other’s amusement rather than seriously. Giving or expressing pleasure and amusement.

Transparent: adjective. allowing light to pass through so that objects behind can be distinctly seen: having thoughts, feelings, or motives that are easily perceived.

Here’s why the wand’s elements work so well:

The only thing that makes first date awkward silences awkward is feeling so serious about the whole situation and small talk in general that you become “on the defensive”… possibly avoiding eye contact, feeling scared of awkward pauses, and therefore losing your mojo with keeping the conversation going.

You start edging dangerously towards Option 1 or 2 above.

It doesn’t have to be that way! You don’t have to be held captive to tense situations.

Playfulness and transparency are such a powerful duo because they’re the direct antidote to that.

Playfulness implies confidence.

How can you be playful if you’re paralyzed in self-consciousness? You can’t. She knows this, so being playful will immediately make you more confident and attractive in her eyes (and in reality).

Transparency is disarming and also implies confidence.

Think about it: Why would you so easily show your hand of cards? Only if you knew you could still easily win.

Secrecy requires fear. That’s why trading secrecy for transparency makes you look (and feel) fearless. Again, very attractive to her.

Now that you know what the wand is made of and why it works, let’s look at how to wield it.

Wield the Magic Wand and save the day:

You’re going to use the Magic Wand to make the situation no big deal while still pointing it out. You’re not going to avoid it or hide, and you’re not going to hyperventilate.

You’re going to be cool and use it as an opportunity to bring you two closer, banishing the Awkward Silence Monster forever.

This works because everyone loves to have fun (and if she doesn’t like your kind of fun, then do you really want to spend more time with her? Probably not.)

To defeat the Awkward Silence Monster, get resourceful.

Right now, recall one of the most recent first date awkward silences you had. It’s alright, you’ll be fine. Okay, got it? Alright. Now, ask yourself, “If I was able to be playful in that moment, what would I have said and done?”�

Don’t tell me, “I don’t know.”

In order to build your skill at wielding this wand, you need to be adept at thinking playfully on your feet. It’s not as hard as you think.

If only you knew how many of my clients, when asked a challenging question, plead, “I don’t know,” only to immediately, in the very next breath, give me a genius answer.

When I point this out to them, they don’t believe me at first, but since I record our sessions, they can listen back and hear for themselves. Then we laugh together. So don’t you go telling me, “I don’t know!” ;)

Come up with at least 10 things you could do in the moment on that first date, 10 things that are fun and playful, without hiding.


One of my clients likes to say, “High five! Our first awkward silence!”�

You could say, “I love awkward silences.” She’ll ask why. Then what would you say? Off the top of my head…

“They taste like the rainbow.”
“They make my hair look good.”
Or, “They remind me of my cat.”

Give me three answers of your own, just as serious as those. No funny business…

Or you could take her hands in yours and say very seriously to her, “Well, we just crossed a major threshold, dear.”

She’ll ask what is it. And you’ll say, “Our first awkward silence together.”�


You could take a non-ridiculous approach as well by just relaxing and smiling at her, being in the present moment with your conversation partner.

You may move on seamlessly and forget about it in two seconds with a good question that naturally comes to you out of curiosity about her.

That moment right there might just be the last time you feel truly awkward with her. Or you might start laughing together without even exchanging any words.

Any manner of fun things can happen between two people when you ask yourself,

“If I felt awesome right now, what would I be doing?”�

It’s an easy question. Experiment with it. Jog your mind to come up with different scenarios ahead of time so that in the moment you can be spontaneous.

To wield the wand well, you’ve got to work for it. Work can be fun, by the way, once you know where the hell to start!

Did the master chef of your favorite restaurant become a master chef by sitting in the corner of his kitchen and staring at the tile floor? No! He did it by being active, curiously exploring different recipes, finding his groove after many burned bonbons (if bonbons can be burned), and finally getting really good at making yummy things.

The same is true for you. No one is cool as a cucumber the very first time they experience an awkward moment.

You won’t become great at using the magic wand if you just sit there and stare at it. Pick it up. Wave it around. Experiment and play! Through practice, you’ll come into your very own as a playful, attractive man and watch people feel more at ease around you as a result.

And take note:

When you’re this light and easy about the exact same things that other guys are sweating bullets over, women can’t help but be more attracted to you.

For more dating conversation advice, check out our article on how to talk to a beautiful woman, how to have strong eye contact, and how to develop an engaging conversation in any social setting.

Want to discover more magic to woo beautiful women and charm people in general, without being someone you’re not?

Sarah Jones
Sarah Jones
Sarah Jones is founder and CEO of Introverted Alpha; the premier dating coaching company for introverted men; featured by Forbes, Business Insider, Cosmo, and more. Pick up your free copy of Sarah's 22-page ebook inside the blue box just below.

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