Does the thought of “putting yourself out there” make you run for the hills?
If so, you’re not alone. You can learn how to start putting yourself out there in the dating world in a way that feels genuinely fun and natural for you.
The key is to approach it in the right way.
Can you relate to this Introverted Alpha reader?
I’ve finally worked myself up to the point where I believe that I’m attractive and have accepted myself fully (my lack of experience included), but I’ve pretty much avoided putting myself out there for as long as I can remember. I’m not very confident in my current skill set, and I don’t feel like I have the ability to show the best version of myself to anyone that I’m attracted to.
If you can relate to him, if you too have been avoiding putting yourself out there, let’s solve the problem steadily, one facet at a time.
First we’ll look at how to be easier on yourself so you don’t stop yourself before you even start. When you put yourself out there and get rejected, this can be hard, so we’ll start with a gentle and uplifting approach.
Then we’ll look at how to effectively strengthen your current skillset when it comes to attraction, so you can feel more comfortable putting yourself out there, dating and playing.
Finally, we’ll explore how to share the best version of yourself with people in general and with women you’re attracted to.
Let’s do this!
Be kind to yourself, and focus on progress.
First things first.
If you’ve been afraid of putting yourself out there and getting rejected, let’s start with being kinder to yourself.
That way, you’re not preventing progress from happening. How can you make progress when you’re feeling bad? You can’t.
I never will forget one night when I was visiting home from college. We were at the dinner table, and the conversation was getting a bit philosophical / psychological, as was common.
I was sharing with my family how I’d noticed that beating myself up about things was counter-productive. I had found another way that was actually inspiring and led directly to doing something better and different.
I summarized it as condemnation (a bad general feeling about yourself with no sense of direction) versus conviction (a sharp, pointed insight about where you could have done better and a strong, invigorating sense of what to do differently next time).
My dad heard what I was saying but disagreed. He said, “Actually, shame is highly motivating.”
“Shame?!” I said.
“Yeah, shame. That feeling of shame. It’s good for motivation.”
“No it’s not, Dad! How can you feel motivated when you’re feeling bad about yourself? That drains your energy to change.”
He insisted, “No, shame really gets you to change. It gives you a jolt. That’s how I raised y’all. I made you feel shameful so you’d do something different.”
My stomach sank. Even as I write this, I notice I’m breathing a bit harder remembering that moment. I thought to myself, “No, we developed IN SPITE of shame, not because of it!!”
In that moment, it was looking pointless to continue debating, so I left it as is, grateful I was now on my own and making my own rules. My goodness. As appalling as that may have been to me, my dad’s reasoning is not uncommon!
You may have lived by the same philosophy:
“Well, if I feel bad enough about myself and feel horrible for failing to put myself out there, maybe I’ll change.”
No! That’s all wrong. Otherwise, wouldn’t you have done it already? But you couldn’t because shame is DRAINING.
Shame is absolutely the bottom of the barrel in terms of energy and motivation. It is really not where you want to be if you’re looking to make a change. A MUCH healthier and more effective approach is to say, “Okay, so xyz is not going how I want. What do I want instead, and how can I get there?”
In this case, it’s, “Okay, so it looks like I’ve not been putting myself out there as much as I want. So what do I want instead, and how can I get there?”
When asking yourself what you want, really think about what you WANT, not what you think you SHOULD do.
It’s always best to be creative and original here and to return to your own deepest values. What do you actually want? If the end goal is meeting an amazing woman after a great time learning and dating other people, what does that look like for YOU specifically?
Where do you truly want to meet these women? Probably not bars and clubs. Probably someplace more chill like partner dancing, a cooking class, or volunteering.
If you’ve been wary of putting yourself out there and getting hurt, simply and gently check in with yourself and find the version of putting yourself out there that really feels good to you.
When asking yourself how you can get there, focus on finding one step in the right direction.
It’s not black and white.
You’re not either holed up at home on your computer…
or out partying every night of the week til 4am!
Refreshingly, you can go out ONE or two nights a week to meet new people at parties, hobbies, or on dates. Nothing crazy is needed to have fun and let the sparks fly.
Where does that start?
If it’s through a hobby you’ve been wanting to try, it starts with googling that hobby in your city and set a date and time to go check out a place.
If it’s meeting folks through friends, it’s accepting an invitation to go out this weekend that you may have otherwise refused.
These are tiny steps in the right direction of putting yourself out there more in a gentle way.
Learn the step-by-steps and how to read women.
Taking steps in the right direction is awesome.
Even better is knowing the steps from a wider perspective so you can feel more at ease and see the process at a glance. This makes SUCH an incredible difference!
Knowing the steps of dating and attraction and how to read women along the way is absolutely imperative to getting more comfortable with putting yourself out there with women.
It’s an important step in strengthening your dating skill-set and developing palpable, sexy confidence. One little step in the direction of educating yourself on dating and attraction can go a long way.
Check out what this Introverted Alpha reader has to say about what educating himself has done for him:
I’ve tried educating myself very recently, particularly on how interactions go and indications of interests, and it’s made me a lot less anxious because I feel like I know what’s going on.
Like him, when you’re less anxious, you can do more without forcing yourself. You just start feeling inspired to put yourself out there with women in a slow, steady, natural-feeling way.
When you diligently and gently learn the basics and start feeling comfortable in how to put yourself out there and make friends, social anxiety can fade too.
Even those tiny jitters which felt alarmingly foreign and unwelcome before can start to feel like no big deal.
If dating feels a little premature right now, you can simply focus on learning how to put yourself out there socially, which will help pave the way for putting yourself out there more in dating.
Open up to the fact that women already like you!
Now let’s look at how to share the best version of yourself with people in general and with women you’re attracted to.
There are two parts to this: (1) seeing why and how you are already super likable, and (2) noticing when women notice you.
This leads into knowing when to put yourself out there, because the longer you stay stagnant, the more opportunities you’ll miss. Ahh! Hard to swallow, but true.
The WORST thing ever is missing opportunities with women who WANTED you to approach them, flirt with them, get their number, and take them on a date!
Check out this guy:
Looking back on a lot of my experiences, I have found that I have had a lot (a LOT more than I used to think) of interest from women. I feel a lot more confident because of that, but I still find myself unable to approach or escalate, and that’s something I really want to work on.
As you can see from this guy’s experience, seeing that women like you is an awesome confidence boost, but it is not enough in and of itself.
It’s just part of the process that helps encourage you and help you intuitively know how to put yourself out there more.
In summary, here’s how you can start putting yourself out there:
Putting yourself out there requires…
- that you are kind to yourself,
- that you know the step-by-steps of dating and reading women that suit YOU specifically,
- and that you are open to women being attracted to you.
All these things fit together, and that’s why we invite you to apply for a 1:1 Exploration Call with an Alpha Advocate today, so you can set yourself up for success.
Getting on the phone with an Alpha Advocate is the straightest path to finding a mega-solution for handling all this comprehensively and permanently.
Here’s what one Introverted Alpha client said about why he enlisted our 1:1 support:
I want to be able to live life on my terms, and I feel like I’ve managed to reach that level in other aspects of my life. Now I’m turning my attention to this.
If you want to live life on your own terms as well, you have GOT to develop the skills and wherewithal to do it.