Importance of Touch in Attraction, Flirting, and Dating

How early, platonic touch can open new dating doors…

When it comes to incorporating touch into your dating life, many guys are at Square One.

In our recent “touch and intimacy” survey, for instance, more than 33% of the respondents said they’ve NEVER tried touching a woman they like as a way to escalate intimacy.

Several who did try light touch at one time or another no longer do so because of bad experiences, including…

  • receiving the dreaded “flinch.”
  • being told that they’re “going too fast.”
  • having their efforts go unnoticed and/or unreciprocated.

All these situations lead to frustration, withdrawal, and a general sentiment of “Why bother?

Well, bothering to build this skill can pay off big time.

Successful touches — even platonic, light ones — create a bond that is stronger and more exciting for a woman than almost anything you can say, marking the difference between friend zone and much more than that.

The trouble, of course, is that building the skill takes time, dedication, and trust that the whole endeavor will be worthwhile.

In this post, we’ll take the big picture view so you can see the importance of touch. Then, we’ll dive into some nitty-gritty steps you can take to start your skill-building.

The Importance of Touch in Communication

The right kind of touch can communicate more to her with less stress and embarrassment than speech, eye contact, or body language.

This is shown on both the scientific and practical levels.

On the Scientific Level

Psychological studies have proven the importance of touch as a dynamic, reliable communication vehicle.

In one DePauw University study, for example, volunteers attempted to communicate a list of emotions to a blindfolded stranger solely through touch.

The list was not easy. Somehow, the participants had to figure out a way to touch a stranger to communicate one of the following emotions…

  • anger
  • fear
  • disgust
  • love
  • gratitude
  • sympathy
  • happiness
  • sadness

The participant success rate was 78%. More than 3 out of 4 total strangers were able to communicate complex emotions with a single touch.

Conversely, in studies of the face alone without touch, the researchers said “joy” is the only positive emotion that has been reliably decoded.

Our point: A single touch can communicate your attraction to her better than any face, posture, or word.

On a Practical Level

Introverted or extroverted, there is always at least a little bit of discomfort when meeting someone brand new.

So introducing some light, no-pressure touch is a way to make the vibe more comfortable quickly and effortlessly.

Our clients are always surprised by this. They think that “learning how to touch a girl,” as they say, is going to feel creepy no matter what, like they’d have to immediately start holding hands or something.

But when they actually do touch a woman in a way that subtly builds sexual tension early on, they find that she is DELIGHTED.

Your first touch can range from a brush of your hand on hers to a strong and supportive hand on her lower back as you lead her through a threshold or share a laugh together. No matter what, the biggest pillar in how to touch women is to pay attention to how she seems to be responding to you and to slowly take things to the next level accordingly, without rushing and without holding back too much.

If that sounds like a lot, don’t worry! You don’t have to get it perfect; there is a wide range of paces you can take. The most important thing is being respectful and open to her, and as you go on enough dates to get a really strong sense of this, things will become much easier.

One client told us with amazement and delight after 45 long years of no skin contact to speak of, “Women feel so happy and relaxed when I touch them. It’s amazing!”

Not only does touching beautiful women this way delight them, it also increases your confidence, because as a woman is responding well to you, you can see that she is open to you.

This helps you know it’s not only okay for you to progress and build up the excitement; it’s actually something women want you to do.

The Details of Early Touch

When it comes to women they’ve just met, many guys stay safely in a “touchless” mentality.

Your chances to show a woman how you feel dramatically improve if you incorporate some light early touches.

We’re not talking about anything overly aggressive or inappropriate, nor do we think an accidental grazing of fingers or feet is the solution.

What we’re looking for is a middle ground of intentional early touch that signals your attraction without shouting it.

Take a look at the specifics…


When you’re sitting down, you can lean forward a little. Touch her lightly on her knee or the back of her hand.

If you’re standing up, touch her arm lightly with all four fingers.

If you’re going through a threshold, gently and firmly rest your hand on her back as you guide her through.


In a light, chill way, touch with all four fingers for a soft, padded touch.

Each touch should last between 1-2 full seconds. You’re not just reaching out touching her for a millisecond and pulling back. You want to touch her long enough to make a connection.


As early as possible, as long as you feel comfortable.

Why “as early as possible”?

Her first impression of you formed within one or two seconds of your initial meeting. If it’s…

  • Positive, these touches will clear up ambiguity and show her you’re interested.
  • 50/50, they can help relax and excite her.
  • Negative, she’ll react in kind and you’ll have instant feedback as opposed to wondering the whole night.

Why “as long as you feel comfortable”?

Remember, touching her can reliably communicate complex emotions. So, the odds are she’ll sense if you’re too nervous or if you’re not truly interested.

Practice, Practice, Practice

Becoming more comfortable with — and proficient at — early, platonic touch is a skill to build. This is especially true if you view yourself as someone who…

The touches WILL feel somewhat strange at first, which is why we recommend practicing with people you meet, no matter their gender.

Here are the steps…

  1. Notice all the friendly touch going on around you between strangers and acquaintances.
  2. Practice touching someone approachable on the outer upper arm as a “hello” or when sharing a laugh, making a point, or agreeing with something they said.
  3. Notice how warm and receptive people are to your touch, which fuels you repeating Steps 1 and 2 to your heart’s content.

Once you’re touching more people more often… you AUTOMATICALLY feel more comfortable touching an attractive woman.

Building on the Importance of Touch

Remember: Early platonic touch is just the first step to turn her on.

Here are a few articles that can help you with other aspects of dating and attraction:

That’s where genuine confidence comes in: knowing what is most attractive about you and why.

You can go even deeper in that process in our ebook on finding your own uniquely attractive vibe, as your uniqueness as a man should be the foundational filter for all dating advice.

Sarah Jones
Sarah Jones
Sarah Jones is founder and CEO of Introverted Alpha; the premier dating coaching company for introverted men; featured by Forbes, Business Insider, Cosmo, and more. Pick up your free copy of Sarah's 22-page ebook inside the blue box just below.

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