How To Date Intelligent Women

Have you ever wondered how to date intelligent women?

I got an email from an Introverted Alpha reader the other day asking me exactly that. If you’re like him, you’re not intimidated by independent, successful women. You love them, and you’d love to know how to date intelligent women with ease.

Doing that successfully is simply a matter of approaching them with a bit of inside knowledge and savviness I’m going to share with you today.

To preface, let’s check out what my reader wrote to me and see if you can relate:


Reader Subject Line: How to date intelligent women

Hello Sarah,

I am a big fan of your blog and ebook. It is refreshing to have advice written more specific to my personality. It is also refreshing to see advice that isn’t loaded with cliches. I started trying to actively date this past year and your advice does help…  

One question that I have is if you could write a blog post about dating intelligent women?

Every time I look up ‘dating intelligent women’ on google, I get tons of results that talk about how smart women will never marry and scare men away. None of the pages I find give me any real clues to dating intelligent girls. I don’t find them intimidating, I find them incredibly attractive.

You’re a smart gal. Do you have any advice for finding, flirting, and seducing these rare jewels?

Great question and well-written.

If you find female intelligence as alluring as he does, the following four steps are for you. 


Step 1: Find Intelligent Women

Great news: You already have an edge when it comes to attracting and dating women who are intelligent. The edge you’ve got is that you yourself are intelligent. Excellent!

This makes it much easier to know where to find intelligent women as well. Just ask yourself where you are already intellectually stimulated.

I had to report for jury duty last week, and I sat beside a charming man reading a book on quantum biology (“Life on the Edge,” which I later found on Amazon). I pointed it out and said it looked interesting. We had an exciting conversation about recent leaps in science, cosmology, and more.

Turns out he’s reading that book because he’s taking a class at a community college. During his undergrad, he was so focused on his love of history that he didn’t pay science much attention. Now he’s delving into the subject with passion, just for fun!

I found this zeal for learning an attractive quality. It also made for intriguing conversation.

If you enjoy learning new things, you can meet more women through that.

When you immerse yourself in a class as he did, you are not only likely to meet attractive and intelligent women in the class itself…

You will also attract women out-and-about (even at jury duty, of all places), just by reading your books or commenting on books she’s reading.

Another way to find intelligent women is through friends.

The great thing about meeting women through friends is they are likely to be harmonious with your particular style and angle on intelligence.

When I’m first getting to know new clients and listening to what they are looking for in a woman, I find that every man has his own definition of intelligence.

Each man has a variation on what about intelligence is important to him: street smarts, versus quirky intelligence, versus gracious and empathetic wisdom, versus cultural openness and curiosity.

There are many exciting variations on intelligence.

It’s a pleasure to discover and develop your own. 

Immersing yourself in classes, events, and friendships that naturally pique your intellectual interest is a great way to meet more intelligent women that suit you nicely, while becoming a better man yourself.

For more of our favorite venues for introverted men to meet quality women, check out this post.

Once you’re doing that, there are three more important steps that go into to developing a genuine emotional connection with intelligent women. You can use these hand-in-hand with each other for maximum success and fun.

One of the following few steps without the others won’t be nearly as strong. Especially #2 without any #3 or #4 will not allow you to attract women naturally, so let’s be sure to use all of them. Onto Step 2.


Step 2: Appeal to Her Intellect

Smart women are refreshing. They don’t fall for the mindless tricks that are often taught in pickup. This is a win-win because you using tricks goes against your very nature anyway…

So, perfect! You don’t have to, and you’re certainly not the only person who doesn’t want to pretend like someone he’s not just to succeed in the dating scene. (More on that here.)

Rather, you can bond with a woman through intellect.

As you carry on an interesting and thoughtful conversation together, focus on appreciating her style of intelligence as it reflects her way of seeing the world. It’s stimulating to build synergy in conversation with someone, whether man or woman, platonic or romantic.

In learning how to date intelligent women, understand that this kind of stimulation is especially sexy and important. When you’re really hitting it off, that’s a great sign!

Intellectual stimulation alone isn’t enough to develop sexual attraction, of course, but it does help set the stage for and enhance it.

As you’re in the flow of a deep conversation, stay with that.

Enjoy how it feels to connect as human beings, and allow the conversation to open up new avenues to explore.

Let it where it wants to go. If you really get into a topic like the latest in string theory, the cosmos, or the exotic spices of India, that’s great! No need to be shy if you’re geeking out on something together.

At the same time, if you naturally feel like moving to a lighter topic, feel free. No need to be rigid one way or the other, and certainly no need to push yourself to be witty or clever. By being intelligent and in tune with her, that’s more than enough to keep things flowing.

Stay tuned into the feel of the conversation and the environment around you (is it getting cold outside, has her drink run dry, are you both comfortable). Keep things flowing by staying engaged and flexible.

We break down the skill of engaging conversation in our in-depth guide here. These principles apply whether you’re first meeting a woman, on a first date with her, or keeping your long-term relationship engaging and intimate.


Step 3: Have a Strong and Open Stance.

An IA Coach was helping a client of ours the other day with his online dating profile pictures.

There was one photo in particular that could have been okay, but he was holding his hands limply and awkwardly in front of him. He didn’t know what to do with his hands, and it showed, which and decreased the attractiveness of the photo.

He sent it back to her after having cropped it to where his hands were no longer visible. We felt like we were looking at a whole new photo. It was quite attractive!

Pay attention to how you’re holding your body.

Keep your hands either strongly folded, open and relaxed, holding something (like a drink), or in your pockets (not quite as good and open, but better than fidgety).

Another way you can maintain an open and strong body stance is by moving slowly and deliberately, as if through water. 

A past mentor of mine taught me this back when I was first getting started coaching different types of men, helping them find their own version of success in the dating scene.

It has been helpful to many men to visualize being in water. You can read more about my take on it here.

It’s key in knowing how to date intelligent women. Reason being, a lot of women have a strong sense of self, and so, of course, they’re looking for that in smart men as well.


Step 4: Don’t Forget to Touch Her.

Intelligent women love your mind and your body, so don’t forget to touch them!

Women respond to touch as intensely as men respond to visual looks.

It’s a physiological fact of attraction, so when you don’t touch her, it’s the equivalent of her wearing a sackcloth and showing up un-showered. Not good. When you do touch her well, it’s the equivalent of her looking sexy as hell.

Here’s how to touch her in a friendly way to gauge her interest before moving into flirtatious touch:

When either you or she is making a point in a conversation, when you’re bonding over something or sharing a laugh, lean in and touch her on the hand, arm, or knee.

At these moments, the rapport between you is high, and touch takes it to a new level. You can easily move to flirtatious touch by squeezing her lightly or lingering for a moment.


The Takeaway for Dating Intelligent Women:

Follow these four steps on how to date intelligent women with ease:

  1. Find a smart woman.
  2. Appeal to her intellect.
  3. Have a strong and open stance.
  4. Don’t forget to touch her.

Now that you know how to find and flirt with “these rare jewels,” as my reader so beautifully calls them, you’re well on your way knowing how to date intelligent women so easily that you can even give a tip or two to your buddies.

Next step: Take the one point above that could use the most attention, and start implementing what you’ve learned today so you can be sweeping intelligent women off their feet in no time.

Here are more resources on the topics discussed:

  • Find your best spots for meeting women here.
  • Build your conversation skills here.
  • Learn how to approach women in a way that feel natural here.

Also, if you want more support along these lines, learn how we can guide you here

And finally, if you want the ebook that has helped thousands of smart men turn the common idea of dating on its head by finding their OWN charm instead of feeling pressure to mimic someone else’s, get my ebook here, for free.

Sarah Jones
Sarah Jones
Sarah Jones is founder and CEO of Introverted Alpha; the premier dating coaching company for introverted men; featured by Forbes, Business Insider, Cosmo, and more. Pick up your free copy of Sarah's 22-page ebook inside the blue box just below.

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