How and when to have the exclusivity talk when dating?

Nervous about the exclusivity talk?

The exclusivity talk can be way easier than you think. I’ll show you…

By the end of your third date with a woman, you usually have a good sense of how much you like her and what you’d like going forward.

Right around that time (or whenever you feel it’s appropriate), it’s great to have an air-clearing check-in.

Reason being, when you have the exclusivity talk, it gets everyone on the same page and avoids

  • distracting anxiety,
  • carelessly hurt feelings, and
  • other unpleasantness.

Whether or not you want to be in an exclusive relationship with the woman you’ve been dating, you’ll be able to communicate that with her once you know what to say and how to say it.

That’s why today, I’m going to share with you in detail the 4 healthy conversations you can have with a woman in the exclusivity talk, including exact word-for-word scripts you can use!


What does it mean to be exclusive?

According to Merriam-Webster, exclusive is defined as “limiting or limited to possession, control, or use by a single individual or group.”

In the context of dating, being exclusive means that you don’t want to date other people. You are both focused on getting to know each other, and you want to be loyal to one another during that time.


First thing is being firm and not waffling on what you want.

This kind of inner strength comes from self esteem: knowing and valuing yourself. You can discover much more about this here.

And that deep core confidence is exactly what we help you develop inside this free ebook on finding your uniquely attractive vibe.

We hear all the time from Introverted Alpha readers how helpful it is to building that sense of self that has been elusive for years! >> You can get your copy right here. <<

Back to the exclusivity talk:

When you’re prepared to have the exclusive relationship talk in a relaxed and clear way, your mind is at ease and you can enjoy dating and relationships way more than you could otherwise.

This goes for women you met online and in-person.

Knowing how to have the exclusivity talk and define the relationship is so helpful!

Today we’re going to explore “3rd Date Conversations” (named for simplicity, but have them whenever you feel it’s appropriate. It’s not contingent on the number of dates you’ve had with her).

Wherever you’re at, having the exclusivity talk effectively transitions you from the nebulous,

“What do I want here, and does she even know that?”

into clarity.

Clarity is the ultimate respect towards her and yourself.

Note: If you’re still gaining clarity on what you want from your dating life, start with what you want in general, based on who you are uniquely, through the helpful exercise in our free ebook.


On Date 3 or so, you can have one of these four conversations:


  1. You’re not willing to be exclusive.
  2. You’re willing to date exclusively as a trial-run.
  3. You want to date her exclusively, so you see if she’d also like that.
  4. You let her down gently in a way that corresponds to how intimate you’ve become.

Let’s dive into the specifics of each, including exact word-for-word scripts.


Conversation #1:
You Are Not Willing To Be Exclusive.

If you know well before Date 3 that you don’t want to be exclusive, then definitely bring it up then.

The earlier, the better.

For example you can playfully work in something like,

“I’m dating and playing right now, and it’s a lot of fun!”

You can weave this into the first conversation ever, either on the first date or before then if you met in-person, just to give women an idea of where you are at dating-wise.

If you would genuinely like to keep seeing her but you’re also clear that you don’t want to be exclusive with her, you can bring up the exclusivity talk like this:

Hey, I know we’re getting to know each other more.

So I wanted to check in with you about the bigger picture of our dating lives.

Since I’m dating other people, I wanted to be respectful and clear and let you know that.

If you’re dating other people too, great!

Just wanted to clear the air.

Then let her respond.

Once she tells you her reply…


If she’s not at all okay with it and wants to be exclusive with you, then you can decide:

Option 1: Are you willing to be exclusive with her for a few more dates while you feel things out and then decide whether you want to cut ties or keep it going?

Option 2: Or do you already know that you’re not open to a longer-term exclusivity with her and you think it’s cleaner to go ahead and go your separate ways?

If it’s the former, see Conversation #2 below. If it’s the latter, you can say something like this:

I totally get that you’d like to be exclusive, and I’m flattered.

At the same time, I just know that’s not something I can provide right now.

I would never want to hurt you and I am CERTAINLY never going to tell you I’m being exclusive when I’m not.

I want each of us to be true to ourselves without compromising what we genuinely want.

So I think it’s best for both of us if we go ahead and part ways.

If you go that route, be sure to thank her for y’all’s time together. What did you love about being with her? Let her know.


Conversation #2:
You Are Willing To Do An Exclusivity Trial-Run.

If you think or know that she wants to be exclusive and you’re willing to do that for a few more dates with the possibility of being exclusive longer-term, you can bring up the exclusivity talk like this:

Okay, I totally understand and respect that you’d like to be exclusive.

How about we date exclusively for the next month or so and then revisit how we feel?

If you want, you can add…

What’s most important to me is that we’re each true to ourselves, doing what feels right for us as individuals.

I am absolutely willing to honor your desire for exclusivity as I get to know you better.

Then we can take it from there and see what we want to do, whether it makes sense to continue or not.

How does that sound?

If she says that she would like that, then the two of you can revisit the exclusivity talk after doing more things together and getting to know each other more for a few dates.

You can then discuss returning to casually dating, if that’s the best way forward.


Conversation #3:
You Want To See Her Exclusively.

If you’re on Date Three and you really like her, and you’re clear within yourself that you’re so taken with her that you’re not interested in dating other women right now, you can bring up the exclusivity talk like this:

Hey, I really like you. I love spending time with you, and I think you’re an awesome person.

In the few dates we’ve had, I’ve found myself naturally losing interest in seeing other people.

I’d like to date exclusively while we continue to get to know each other.

Is that something you’d like to do too?

If she decides to agree, awesome! You’ve let her know that you want to see her and only her on the way to more.

To have the exclusivity talk after a few dates gives you a buffer between first getting to know each other and then being in an exclusive relationship where deeper commitment happens.

After awhile, she will naturally start referring to you as her boyfriend, and you’ll refer to her as your girlfriend.


Conversation #4:
You Want To Transition Out.

If it’s still early on and you know you don’t want to see her again, don’t worry!

Intimacy is an intense thing. The fact that you’re not sold on continuing to become more intimate with her is not a personal insult.

Just see if you can get clear on that as soon as possible, so you can drop things off at Date 1 or Date 2, if possible.

The sooner, the cleaner.

Whenever you’re clear that you’re not interested in seeing her further (as long as things are not serious yet), you have a couple of options for the exclusivity talk.


At that point, it depends on how close you’ve gotten already:

Option 1: If you’re not yet very close at all, then it’s the least awkward for both of you if you let things taper off naturally.

Option 2: If you’ve been more intimate and it would feel bad to just go silent, then you can tell her gently and clearly through a phone call (for high intimacy already) or text (if the intimacy feels like it’s between silence and a phone call).

You can communicate that you’ve enjoyed getting to know her, but that you don’t think you guys will see each other again. Tell her something nice you noticed about her, and wish her all the best in her future.


To recap, these are the four ways to have the exclusivity talk:

  1. You’re not willing to be exclusive.
  2. You’re willing to date exclusively as a trial-run.
  3. You want to date her exclusively, so you see if she’s open to that.
  4. You let her down gently in a way that corresponds to how intimate you’ve become.

Remember that each of you is free to decide what you want at all times.

While a lot of people feel uncomfortable in the journey towards a serious relationship, you don’t have to be.

Even if other men don’t tell it straight, you can do things differently. You can be the guy who’s up front and honest with her about how you feel on the third or fourth date, or sooner if you know sooner.

If you understand these conversation models and have them handy, you can relax more into the dating process, knowing you can have the exclusive talk when the time is right and handle things at each step of the way.

And if you’re reading this and thinking,

“I’m still trying to reach the point where I’m having these conversations…”

Then here are a few great resources for you:

First, here is our well-loved ebook on finding your own awesome vibe.

Also, here are articles with more dating tips you might like…

All in all, the key to success in your dating life is knowing why and how you are uniquely attractive as your own man…

Think about it:

If you don’t feel attractive, then how can she feel that about you?

Not to worry! We can help you get your inner-confidence house in order:

To find out what is sexually attractive about you as an introverted man, go here for our free ebook all about the topic.

It’s a real mind-opener, sharing why PUA doesn’t work for introverts since that’s about being a guy you’re simply not. Instead, inside this very ebook, you’ll learn exactly what works instead, with step-by-step exercises starting on page 8 and more. It’s all right here for you.

And whether you’re in your 20’s, 30’s, 40’s, or older; if it’s time for you to crush it with your vibe, presentation, online dating profile, and all the daily aspects of dating, then consider our dating coaching program, Launch Your Dating Life so we can get the ball rolling for you!

Learn more and apply here, and email with any questions.

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Sarah from IA
Sarah is founder and CEO of Introverted Alpha; the top dating coaching company for introverted men; featured by Forbes, Business Insider, Cosmo, and more. Pick up your free copy of Introverted Alpha's 22-page ebook in the box below.

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