How to start a conversation after introducing yourself
Tell me this:
How many times have you talked yourself out of saying “hi” to a woman because you weren’t sure what to say next?
So many introverted men worry about this!
It’s a common concern:
“What do I say to an attractive woman once I’ve introduced myself? What comes after ‘hello’?”
What’s great about this question is your analytical nature shining through.
This nature of yours is a beautiful thing. It’s allowed you to excel at your career, your fitness goals, and/or your creative pursuits.
But when it comes to trying to understand ALL nuances of a situation before that situation happens, that’s when we want to pause and understand patterns and opportunities we can leap off from… rather than having to know every detail in advance (which is impossible because relating to others is living and dynamic!).
Happily, this is what we’ll be addressing today.
In this post, we’ll cover:
- Starting from the basics and using your environment and context clues to start a conversation,
- Allowing the conversation to build and change naturally, and
- Pursuing topics you both seem interested in so the conversation stays fresh and engaging.
Once we’re finished, you should feel more confident in your ability to start and maintain an interesting conversation. After you’ve practiced these tips, you might even decide to ask that lovely woman next to you at the grocery store if she has plans this weekend!
Why is it important to feel confident about what comes after “hello”?
When you get caught up wondering,
“What do you say to an attractive woman?”
…you’re stuck thinking about it instead of acting on it.
Even if the two of you would have gotten along wonderfully, you’ll never find out if she leaves before you say “hello”.
Ultimately, you want to bypass this stage of nervously wondering what to do and proceed straight toward dazzling her with your sincerity and unique charm.
If you learn and practice a few techniques to help you seamlessly start conversations, you’ll feel much more at ease introducing yourself to women!
This means you can avoid missed opportunities and escape the cycle of thinking instead of acting.
Once you’re ready to tackle this issue and start some great conversations, read on!
Start with the basics. Where are you?
Let’s make things straightforward for you!
When in doubt, simply use your environment as a conversation starter.
No one can effectively plan out a whole conversation in advance… nor would you want to! That takes all the fun and spontaneity out of meeting a new person.
Since you can’t possibly know in advance how a conversation will pan out, you can relax and enjoy the ride.
Even though you can’t plan everything, that doesn’t mean you’re driving blind!
You can look for context clues to guide you in what to say.
Our founder, Sarah, had a Latin teacher for three years in high school who helped her with critical thinking. She’d always tell the class, “Use the test to take the test!”
In other words, ”The phrasing of Question 6 may shed some light on the answer to Question 2.”
That advice is solid and can be applied to other contexts too, like this one!
Consider this “Use the test to take the test” example:
Perhaps your lovely intended conversational partner seems engrossed in choosing between two brands of yogurt in the dairy aisle. Or, maybe she just finished a truly impressive set at the gym, and it’s obvious she really knows proper form.
Almost any scenario in which you meet a woman will provide context clues for things you can mention to spark a genuine conversation.
If you’re really struggling to get the ball rolling and you’d prefer some concrete examples of what to say in a variety of scenarios, check out these conversation starters.
As you learn to allow the topic to open naturally based on your environment, you’re ready for the next step.
Let your conversation build, morph, and change.
Which of these methods sounds more appealing:
- Coming up with a thorough outline of topics you want to hit so you know there will never be an awkward lull, and surely she’ll be entertained, or…
- Letting the conversation meander down the hallways of interesting, everyday experiences and focusing on areas of mutual interest as they appear?
When you let the conversation flow without trying to force it or steer it down a particular avenue, both parties tend to feel much more relaxed and at ease.
Letting go of pressure to devise a structured, logical outline and instead tuning in to the ebb and flow of her interest in topics as they come up…
…is such a relief for both of you.
When you do this, you can truly enjoy the moment and actually get to know each other!
If the conversation does hit a lull, you don’t have to panic and pull the next topic out of thin air.
You can simply relax and return for a moment back to Step #1 by noticing more features of your environment.
Look around and take note of as much as you can:
- Does she appear to be on her way somewhere?
- Is she reading anything? If so, what?
- Is she wearing an interesting outfit or a unique piece of jewelry?
- What is she eating or drinking?
- How is the ambiance in your current surroundings?
- Does she know the host, if you’re at a party?
- How is the music, and what song is playing?
- She has a lot of groceries in her cart that look like she may be hosting a dinner party. Is she making a big meal for lots of guests?
- She was just talking to someone… Perhaps a coworker or a friend?
- Et cetera!
The list is almost endless, depending on the details you notice.
As the conversation progresses past its beginning stages, assembling a mental list of things she mentions will provide even more fuel for you to keep the spark burning.
Listen for details and then ask questions:
- She mentioned she went to school in San Diego. Does she miss the beach?
- She ordered the chocolate muffin; does she usually get that, or is she being experimental today?
- Her hairstyle really suits her. Has she always had bangs, or is a new look?
With practice, this starts to feel easy and natural!
The goal is to seize upon topics you’re actually interested in hearing more about, and focus with special interest on the areas she seems happy to share with you.
Feel free to change the subject and pursue a new topic, if you’re truly interested in it.
We’ve covered how to pick up on what she might be interested in. But part of carrying on an engaging conversation is paying attention to your own interest levels, as well.
If the conversation does slow down, have no fear!
You can always go back to the environment or ask about details she has already mentioned in order to open up new areas of interest!
- Make it a habit to mentally store tidbits of interesting information you can come back to later. Even if it’s been several minutes, a well-timed, “So you mentioned you used to star in dish soap commercials? Tell me more about that!” can reignite a conversation that has started to die off…
… which is awesome!
One important note, however…
Sometimes, awkward silence isn’t the problem.
Some people, men and women alike, pick a topic and ramble when they are nervous. And she very well may be nervous talking to a handsome stranger who just approached her as she was leaving work for the day.
For introverts especially, it can be difficult to change the topic and be assertive when your conversational partner shows no signs of slowing down.
Don’t listen for twenty minutes to every detail of her cat’s bedtime routine just because she seems so passionate about it. Instead, you can gently steer things toward topics of mutual interest.
Also, no need to dismiss your conversational partner if she does seem to go on and on about something that doesn’t really pique your interest.
Instead, take her willingness to elaborate as a sign that she is enjoying opening up to you, and take the opportunity to use the environment or other context clues to subtly choose a new direction.
Maybe she initially seized on a topic for which you don’t share her passion, but with a few gentle subject changes, you might find you both share a huge common interest in rock climbing, baking, or European travels.
On the same token, see if you can pick up on her cues that she may be needing a subject change as well! This road can be traveled both ways.
When you’ve struck the right balance, you will likely feel it.
It is often an enormous confidence boost when you realize you have the freedom to guide conversations toward mutually interesting topics.
Once you are comfortable with this step, the fear of conversation lulls and uninteresting topics just melts away!
Conclusion for “What do you say to an attractive woman after ‘hello’?”
Though you might feel pressure to plan every step of a conversation in advance, there’s no need!
Instead, you can relax, tune into her, and go with the flow.
Let’s recap what we covered today:
- Understanding how to start conversations on the fly instead of planning them in advance,
- Using your environment and context clues to fill in any gaps or lulls that may occur, and
- Adapting the conversation to fit areas of mutual interest so you both stay engaged in each topic.
For more help with meeting attractive women and starting great conversations, check out these great posts:
Remember, conversation is another life skill just like any other! Next time you’re out, practice by noticing details of your environment you could mention to a stranger if you wanted to.
You can also listen to conversations that occur in everyday life and begin to pick up on context clues and the pattern of conversational threads as they weave and change.
For even more great tips to develop your dating skills, download our free ebook, “Why PUA Doesn’t Work for Introverts & What Works Instead.”
And, when you’re ready to elevate the whole enchilada to the next level, consider joining our Launch Your Dating Life program, where we work with you one-on-one and give personalized dating advice for your unique goals and situation.