The do’s and don’ts to break your dating rut…
Fact: On multiple occasions during his career as a New York Yankee first baseman, Jason Giambi switched to a pair of gold lamé thong underwear to break hitting slumps.
What relevance does this have for you and your dating life?
Well, baseball is HARD. In fact, it’s so difficult that many players (like Giambi) often go to extreme lengths to break ruts.
Whether they’re effective or not, we’ll leave up to your imagination.
Dating can feel hard too.
Whether you’re having trouble finding women to go out with or you’re unhappy with the quality of the dates you’re going on, a dating slump can drive you to ask: “What should I do differently?”
Some answer this question with Giambi-esque solutions. They try Pick Up Artist tricks, move to a different town, or cause some other major upheaval in their lives.
Other guys batten down the hatches. They refuse to change anything and just plain hope things turn around.
Most of the time, neither of these approaches work.
A middle ground is needed. A guy in a dating rut needs to start dating outside of his comfort zone, but the step needs to have some intention behind it.
So read on to find out the helpful and unhelpful ways to break your dating rut.
Hint: none of the right ways involve gold lamé thong underwear.
Do Make Small Changes
Psychologists believe there is an optimal amount of stimulation necessary for improvement and success.
This theory, called the Yerkes–Dodson law, states performance increases with physiological or mental arousal, but only up to a point.
The key, of course, is to determine how much “arousal” is a sufficient amount. Too little and you’re not driven enough; too much and you could get disillusioned.
This theory has several applications for your dating life.
If you’re stuck wondering where to go to meet new women, or if you’re in a routine that does not enable you to meet new women, you need to step out of your comfort zone to find mental/psychological arousal.
You just don’t want to step out of it so far that you’d feel insecure, unsafe, or otherwise compromised. The strain will show, no matter how hard you try to hide it.
One client, we’ll call Bill, is a great example of how a small change can make a big difference.
Bill came to us after struggling to meet women for several years. During our first call, we told him point blank that the places and venues he frequented were not working for him.
After our discussion, Bill got to work on creating his ideal woman avatar and defining what he was looking for in a woman. He was now going in the right direction.
The very next Saturday, Bill intended to stay in and perfect his dumpling-making skills.
He invited his friend to come over, but she said she was going out with friends to hear a band play, and she invited him to come.
In the past, he would have said ‘no’ without thinking twice, but he had our voice in his head because he had just enrolled in our program.
So, he put his dumpling ingredients back in the fridge and went out with his friend and the group. He had an AMAZING time.
More importantly, a woman in the group spent the entire night talking and flirting with him. After the show, Bill and his new friend walked arm-in-arm around the surrounding neighborhood to look at Christmas lights.
The best news is that during the walk, Bill mentioned he wanted to spend some time at a great bookstore the next weekend. Her response: “Let me know when. I want to go, too!”
Bill’s decision was not a major shift. He just made a small, adventurous change to his normal routine and it leads to a great night.
So the question to ask yourself is…
How many times have I said “no” to opportunities, just because they didn’t fit into my normal routine?
If you’re in a dating rut, try to step out of your comfort zone and say “yes” to chances like Bill’s.
Don’t Fall into the “Just do it, man!” Trap
Through our work with smart introverted men on a daily basis, we’ve come across several cases of an extreme reaction to a dating rut.
The most common and deadly mistake introverted guys make is to try and adopt the “Just do it, man!” mentality.
The logic makes sense on the surface. You think:
“Hey, being quiet and passive obviously has not worked. So, I’ll do the total opposite. I need to shed the fear, walk right up to that beautiful woman, and ask her out.”
We love confidence and bravery, but it should be coupled with a healthy dose of skill in order to be successful.
Dating involves human beings, not racked weights! As such, whether online dating or meeting women at a speed dating event or in a coffee shop, the whole thing requires special care towards both yourself and the women you meet.
We’ve discussed approach anxiety before, both its sources and solutions. For the purposes of this article, it’s important to realize the risks of a “Just do it” mentality:
- The success rate is next to zero.
- Even if you succeed in getting beyond an introduction, you still need to know what to say.
- The constant rejection from this approach could make your dating rut much deeper.
If you’re tempted by this “Just do it” strategy, we recommend working on yourself first.
As a first step, try gaining a firm grasp on what’s already sexy about you.
Knowing yourself better also means exploring…
- What you like to do.
- The venues you should explore.
- The type of woman you’re looking for.
Our clients say working on these points helps lessen their anxiety when they’re around women who excite them.
There doesn’t have to be a constant, stressful, “Just do it, man!” pressure. Instead, they recognize and initiate natural, tension-free interactions.
It’s a colossal vibe improvement.
Do Think Outside Your Boundaries
There are any number of ways to step out of your comfort zone. One strategy we highly endorse is to stretch your personal boundaries.
- learning a new language.
- picking up a new skill.
- traveling to a new location.
- connecting with people who inspire you.
The obvious benefit: trying any of these things breaks your routine and offers new opportunities to meet single women interested in the same things as you.
Additionally — and maybe more importantly — these types of activities can help you recognize and challenge self-perceptions that may be holding you back.
For Bill, the experience of going to a new club lit a serious spark.
“Saying ‘yes’ to going out with friends and co-workers… Exploring and being more social. It was the most fun I’ve had in a long time. Even if it doesn’t work out [with the woman I met], I realize I need to say ‘yes’ much more than I had previously.”
Lastly, stretching your personal growth boundaries makes you fresh in the eyes of people meeting you for the first time. These activities SHOW what you like and give you ample talking points to help fill in dead air moments on dates.
Summary: Step out of Your Comfort Zone with Intention
We know it’s much easier to “say” than it is to “do.” So, here are some how-to tips to help you step out of your comfort zone:
Tip 1: Start small.
Comfort zone busting is a skill to build, so the first step does not need to be earth-shaking. Getting started can be as simple changing your route to work or the types of restaurants you go to. Over time, these “change decisions” will grow and lead to changes that can affect your dating life.
Tip 2: Switch up your decision-making process.
If you’re an activity planner, try making a spur-of-the-moment decision. If you like being spontaneous, try completing a methodical plan. The idea is to change your perspective.
Tip 3: Always know your comfort zone will be there for you.
Trying something new does not mean you need to forget your old self. In fact, returning to your old venues and routines after stepping out is a great way to measure your growth.
For further reading on enhancing your dating life, take a look at…
- Introvert Dating Mindset: Getting Your Headspace Right
- Overcoming Fear of Rejection in 3 Steps
- Free Ebook on Finding Your Uniquely Attractive Vibe
Check out our 1:1 dating coaching program for introverted men who want to attract the right potential partners for them.
When you join, you’ll get to work with an Introverted Alpha dating coach, who will tailor dating and relationship advice to you uniquely as you develop your love life and become more self-aware and happy in the process.
And if you’d first like to take our Dating Skills Assessment to get a sense of what is inside or outside of your current dating comfort zone, you can do so here. You’ll get a personalized response from us; we can’t wait to hear from you!