The do’s and don’ts to break your dating rut…
Want to step out of your comfort zone more? Take this baseball player’s cue:
On multiple occasions during his career as a New York Yankee first baseman, Jason Giambi switched to a pair of gold lamé thong underwear to break hitting slumps.
What relevance does this have for you and your dating life?
Well, baseball is HARD. In fact, it’s so difficult that many players (like Giambi) often go to extreme lengths to break ruts (even if they’re nonsensical!).
Dating can be hard too.
Whether you’re having trouble finding women to go out with or you’re unhappy with the quality of the dates you’re going on, a dating slump can drive you to ask:
“What should I do differently?”
Some answer this question with Giambi-esque solutions. They try pickup artist tricks, move to a different town, or cause some other major upheaval in their lives.
Other guys batten down the hatches. They refuse to change anything and just plain hope things turn around.
Neither of these approaches work so well.
A middle ground is needed. A guy in a dating rut needs to start dating outside of his comfort zone, but the step needs to have some intention behind it.
Now, let’s get on to ways to break your dating rut.
Hint: none of the right ways involve gold lamé thong underwear. ;)
Do Make Small Changes
Psychologists believe there is an optimal amount of stimulation necessary for improvement and success.
This theory is called the Yerkes–Dodson law.
If you’re stuck wondering where to go to meet new women, or if you’re in a routine that does not enable you to meet new women, you need to step out of your comfort zone to find that Goldilocks-style “just right” zone of mental/psychological arousal.
One client, we’ll call Bill, is a great example of how a small change can make a big difference.
An Example of Gently Exiting the Comfort Zone
Bill came to us after struggling to meet women for several years. After our discussion, Bill got to work on defining what he was looking for in a woman. He was now going in the right direction.
The very next Saturday, he intended to stay in and perfect his dumpling-making skills.
He invited his friend to come over, but she said she was going out to hear a band play, and she invited him to come.
In the past, he would have said ‘no’ without thinking twice, but he had our voice in his head because he had just enrolled in our program.
So, he put his dumpling ingredients back in the fridge and went out with his friend and the group. He had an amazing time.
More importantly, a woman in the group spent the entire night talking and flirting with him. After the show, Bill and his new friend walked arm-in-arm around the surrounding neighborhood to look at Christmas lights.
The best news is that during the walk, Bill mentioned he wanted to spend some time at a great bookstore the next weekend. Her response:
“Let me know when. I want to go, too!”
Bill’s decision was not a major shift.
He just made a small, adventurous change to his normal routine and it leads to a great night.
So the question to ask yourself is…
“How many times have I said ‘no’ to opportunities, just because they didn’t fit into my normal routine?”
If you’re in a dating rut, try to step out of your comfort zone and say “yes” to chances like Bill’s.
Don’t Fall into the “Just do it, man!” Trap
The most disheartening mistake introverted guys make is to try and adopt the “Just do it, man!” mentality.
The logic makes sense on the surface. You think,
“Hey, being quiet and passive obviously has not worked. So, I’ll do the total opposite. I need to shed the fear, walk right up to that beautiful woman, and ask her out.”
We love confidence and bravery, but it should be coupled with a healthy dose of skill in order to be successful.
Dating involves human beings, not racked weights! As such, whether meeting women through dating apps or out and about, dating requires special care towards both yourself and the women you meet.
A Word on Approach Anxiety
We’ve discussed approach anxiety before, both its sources and solutions. For the purposes of this article, it’s important to realize the risks of a “Just do it” mentality:
- When you push yourself blindly, it leads to a sense of failure (this can be avoided with the right system!).
- Even if you succeed in getting beyond an introduction, you still need to know what to say.
- The constant rejection from this approach could make your dating rut much deeper.
If you’re tempted by this “Just do it” strategy, we recommend working on yourself first.
As a first step, try gaining a firm grasp on what’s already attractive about you.
Knowing yourself better also means exploring…
- What you like to do.
- The venues you’re interested explore.
- The type of woman you’re looking for.
Do Think Outside Your Boundaries
There are any number of ways to step out of your comfort zone. One strategy we highly endorse is to stretch your personal boundaries.
- learning a language,
- picking up a new skill,
- traveling to a new place,
- connecting with people who inspire you, or
These things break your routine and offer new opportunities to meet single women interested in the same things as you. So it’s a double win!
Additionally — and maybe more importantly — these types of activities can help you recognize and challenge self-perceptions that may be holding you back.
For Bill, saying ‘yes’ just once was so helpful:
“Saying ‘yes’ to going out… It was the most fun I’ve had in a long time. Even if it doesn’t work out [with the woman I met], I realize I need to say ‘yes’ much more than I had previously.”
Step out of Your Comfort Zone with Intention
Let’s wrap with a few more small tips to help you step out of your comfort zone:
Tip 1: Start small.
Getting started can be as simple changing your route to work or the types of restaurants you go to. Over time, these small decisions of change will grow.
Tip 2: Switch up your decision-making process.
If you’re an activity planner, try making a spur-of-the-moment decision. If you like being spontaneous, try a methodical plan. The idea is to change your perspective.
Tip 3: Always know your comfort zone will be there for you.
Trying something new does not mean you need to forget your old self. In fact, returning to your old venues and routines after stepping out is a great way to measure your growth.
If you haven’t downloaded our “Why PUA Doesn’t Work for Introverts & What Works Instead” ebook, definitely do so. It’s jam-packed with valuable and uplifting insights to help you on your dating journey. (Get it here.)
And if you’d like to tackle this head-on in a way that is gentle and sequential, that’s exactly what we can do with you in our 1:1 dating coaching program for introverted men. In the program, you’ll get to work with an Introverted Alpha dating coach, who will tailor dating and relationship advice to you uniquely. (Learn more here.)