“Why can’t I get a second date?”

Are none of your first dates turning into second dates? Here’s what’s up.

Dating can be fun and exciting, filled with promise and hope for a happy future.

It can also be baffling, frustrating, and fraught with cringeworthy moments.

Sometimes you go on a first date and everything seems awesome until the other person ghosts for seemingly no reason.

Other times, you show up and realize you’d rather be at home playing your XBox because you’re just not feeling the chemistry.

And that’s not even mentioning the awkward silences that pop up in between stilted discussions involving your date’s twenty-seven cats or how you suspect you may have broken your arm in the third grade. Oof.

When none of those first dates lead to a second one, it can feel like something must be wrong.

Happily, that’s what we’ll be talking about today!

We’ll figure out whether the opportunity for improvement lies with…

  • giving yourself (and your dates!) enough of a chance,
  • choosing partners who are better potential matches for you, or
  • upgrading your dating style.

If you’ve been putting yourself out there but haven’t found anything that will stick, consider this post your troubleshooting guide on how to get a second date.


Why is it important to figure out how to get a second date?

The answer might seem simple:

In order to get a girlfriend, you’ll need to get a second date. Right?

While this is obvious, the truth actually goes much deeper.

When you don’t get a second date once or twice, it’s no big deal. There are plenty more fish in the sea!

When a few dozen first dates lead nowhere, however, that could start to affect your confidence level and overall sense of worth.

Knowing with certainty that the challenge is identifiable and surmountable means that you can keep learning, improving, and feeling good about yourself in the process.

Which leads, of course, to you getting a girlfriend. ;)

If you’re thinking that sounds like the epitome of benevolent badassery, you’d be correct! Identifying what’s awesome about yourself and working to improve any less-than-awesome quirks is the idea behind this free ebook. Download it now to start leveling up your dating skills! >> Get it here. <<

Now, let’s get troubleshooting.


Possibility #1: You might not be giving it enough time.

Not every date will lead to a second date!

If you’re feeling discouraged about having ten first dates and none of them went anywhere, rest assured. That’s actually pretty common.

Keep going; maybe the eleventh first date (or the seventeenth!) will be the charm!

While you’re giving things a proper chance, expand that principle toward yourself and your date as individuals.

There’s a fairly prevalent issue talked about on most dating forums where one or both partners get so nervous before a first date that they have trouble showing their true personalities.

They clam up and stick to safe and boring topics, or they babble endlessly, make awkward jokes, and share way too much personal information.

Point is, it can be tough to know whether the beautiful but sort of uptight woman across the table from you has a wild streak to match yours if you decide on the first date that she’s not your style.

And unfortunately, women may sometimes make those snap judgements about you, too.

“Giving it time,” to some people, may be asking for or accepting a second date when the first date was just kind of okay.

Many soulmate relationships have sparked to life on the second or even third meetings!


Possibility #2: You might not be choosing the right partners.

If you’re trying online dating for the first time or coming back to it after a long hiatus, it may take some time to iron out the wrinkles.

You might have some dates where you…

  • feel bored,
  • worry that the two of you have nothing to talk about,
  • encounter a red flag (or ten) that leads you to lose interest, or
  • don’t feel any physical chemistry with your date.

These are all symptoms that indicate your partner selection process needs to be honed.

Sometimes, you can tell beforehand that a woman might not be the best match for you. Other times, everything seems perfect until you have an actual date.


Here are a few things you can try to maximize your compatibility with women before you meet up in person:


  • Read dating site profiles carefully. Sometimes it’s not what is said but how it’s said that gives you the most clues into someone’s personality.
  • Ask for a brief video chat or phone call before you meet. You can make it something simple, such as coordinating where and when you’ll meet for your date. You can tell a lot by listening to someone’s voice and speech patterns on a phone call, and video chats give you even more insight.
  • Play a question game during the early chatting phase. The answers to even goofy questions like “What’s your favorite paranormal creature?” or “What’s your favorite animal?” lend a surprisingly deep look into how someone thinks and feels.

Practice this enough, and it’s possible to go into most of your first dates with a pretty solid idea that the two of you could be compatible.

That way, the first date feels more like a confirmation of “Yes, we get along great!” rather than an experiment to see what happens.


Possibility #3: You might need to change something about your dating strategy.

If the last section didn’t answer your question as to why you have yet to get a second date, you might be getting a sinking feeling right about now.

Many introverts who have room to improve their self-esteem sometimes think “The problem is me after all…”

But here’s the thing:

Your behavior, your dating strategy, and even your confidence level are all things that are 100% under your control to change. So it’s actually a good thing if you can identify a weak spot that’s holding you back and then work to fix it.

How do you know if this might be the case?

Quite apart from the “symptoms” of the previous section, you’ll get the hint that something needs to change if…

  • the women you’re meeting seem bored during dates or disappear afterward without a trace,
  • you frequently feel interest and chemistry, but your dates don’t appear to reciprocate those feelings and tell you they’d rather be friends,
  • both of you sit in silence toward the end of the date, awkwardly wondering what comes next (it’s really hard to have a second date if neither of you ever asks for one!), or
  • the conversations feel very one-sided, and you’re doing all the talking.

While changing these things may take some time and effort, the results will pay huge dividends in your future dating life.

Better still, we’ve already put together guides for how to tackle each challenge listed above!


Check out these personal development tips that will help you…


Once you get the ball rolling, you might be surprised how much smoother the whole experience feels.


Conclusion on how to get a second date:

Guy on the Phone - Get a Second DateIf it ever seems tough to get a second date, you can take that as a sign that there’s room to grow.

And as we’ve covered, growth is awesome, healthy, and something to always strive for.

That’s why we spent time talking about…

  • allowing yourself and your date some time to make a good impression,
  • selecting your dates carefully to maximize the chances of the first date going well, and
  • refining yourself and your dating skills to be even more attractive and interesting.

This post should function as a sort of entry-level troubleshooting manual to help you identify areas that could use some work. The actual work is up to you! And… we’re always here to help. ;)

Check out our free ebook, “Why PUA Doesn’t Work for Introverts & What Works Instead,” as a great way to dive deeper into some of these topics.

While online guides are a fantastic place to start, the best way to make solid progress quickly is through 1:1 customized advice for your unique situation. If that sounds helpful, consider joining our Launch Your Dating Life program. After a one-on-one phone call (apply here), we can decide if this personalized program is the best way to boost your dating success to the next level!

Kelly from IA
Kelly from IA
Kelly is resident writer here at Introverted Alpha, which is known as the premier dating coaching company for introverted men; featured by Forbes, Business Insider, Cosmo, and more. Pick up your free copy of our 22-page ebook inside the blue box just below.

Find Your Own Unique Vibe

Discover what makes you naturally attractive in this 22-page ebook PDF, for free.

"I went through the ebook this week, and it was truly enlightening... not just in how I'm attractive to women, but also in a what's important to me as a man and human being." - J.O.

"I especially like how you’re a strong alternative to short-term, shallow PUA tactics." - K.K.

Become A Benevolent Badass. Attract Women Naturally.

Hi there! Before you go, would you like my ebook? It has some of my best material on finding your edge and building your confidence. :)

Yes, please send my ebook!

You can send it to...

Scroll to Top