Do you ever freeze up when a woman is interested?
I ask this because it’s really common!
Common and something I’d love to help you change here in this post.
When you can feel comfortable around women you feel chemistry with, so many possibilities open up!
If you feel confident approaching a woman, that sets things off on the right foot… far from the friend zone and close to being able to attract women without being so nervous about how you’re coming across.
You can then continue a conversation with her while feeling great in your own skin, which means she’ll get a good vibe from you.
From there, you can get her number and set up a date, because you feel confident that even if she says no, that it will be okay.
Bottom line is feeling confident around women is so helpful for things actually progressing to each next step with anyone you’re interested in, and even more awesomely, it just feels good to be yourself in that case!
If she feels good around you… how much more will you be feeling good around yourself?
It will feel so nice to be you! And that’s awesome because you’re with her for a few moments or more, but you’re with yourself 24/7.
It feels nice when your 24/7 companion is a badass.
When I asked our coaches about our brand new clients before they’ve learned confidence around women, here’s what they said:
“I was talking to someone in Launch Your Dating Life the other day and he said he was sitting next to an incredibly beautiful woman at the bar who was obviously SO into him.
“She even said out loud before she was leaving, ‘Okay, this is my LAST drink.’ And he absolutely for the life of him could not say something to her.
“He said it was set up so perfectly, and it would have been so easy that if he would have messed it up he would have been the biggest failure.
“Even the bartender was like, ‘Dude, she wanted you. What the hell!?’ after she left. He couldn’t think of the ‘right’ thing and so instead said nothing. And it totally drove him insane. Obviously!!”
That is so painful; I get that.
Sometimes the bartender isn’t involved, and there isn’t this stark embarrassing moment…
Maybe no one even notices except for the voice in your own head, like this Introverted Alpha reader describes:
“I get stiff if a woman is being flirtatious, and I go into my head. Then my body language becomes robotic, which puts her off and doesn’t work. I want to feel more relaxed and accepting of that attention.
“I’m not fully comfortable with it; I’m in the process of accepting that women could be attracted to me. And I don’t want to come off as a jerk, like if I’m volunteering for a non-profit, I’m thinking, ‘I didn’t come here to hit on girls.’
“I don’t want to be seen as a predator or jerk, so I end up going into my head too much and feeling bad. That second-and-a-half where a woman is interested and I freeze up and go into my head with a blank stare on my face is so painful.
“Instead, I want to feel comfortable with someone who feels attracted to me.”
I want ALL you guys to feel comfortable when a woman is flirting with you!
At the same time, I know it’s tempting to get into your own head in those moments, worrying about eye contact or feeling the high-stakes pressure of a rattling job interview… when all you’re trying to do is meet new people!
That’s why I am going to break down why this is so important by giving you an insight into how women feel around men, how we experience you.
Then, we’ll go over how to be relaxed and strong in your body, your mind, with your vibe, and in your relating to women you’re attracted to, regardless of whether they seem attracted to you or not.
Let’s get into it!
A woman’s experience of you is on a continuum.
The way any woman feels around you is a result of how you’re coming across and how well that meshes with what she feels attracted to.
The continuum of attraction ◆ neutrality ◆ repulsion.
Attraction happens when the way you’re coming across and what she is attracted to mesh beautifully. Even if she doesn’t necessarily feel fully attracted to you due to her own personal preferences, when you’re relaxed and strong, you’ll be between Attraction and Neutrality for her (this feels amazing for both you and her!).
Neutrality happens when you’re not making a strong impression one way or another, or when she simply sees you as a friend without that sexual spark (happens if you’re not comfortable with your own sexuality and with attraction in general).
Repulsion happens when you are giving off a desperate, clingy, creepy vibe. In those cases, she will want to run for the hills in order to not be around you! But NOTE, this is 100% within your control. That said, some men may need to have these things pointed out to them (because it’s hard to see your own self objectively the way others see you), ideally in-person with live real-time feedback.
While each woman has her own preferences that shape the beautiful nuances of who she’s attracted to (just as you have your wonderful preferences as well!), there are two things that all healthy, self-affirming women find attractive in men:
Relaxation and Strength.
The key is to be relaxed and strong.
Let’s explore how to become more relaxed and strong in these four overarching areas:
- Your body
- Your mind
- Your vibe
- Your relating
Internalizing and applying what I’m sharing below about each of these areas will help you feel much more comfortable around women who are attracted to you, naturally.
Areas #1-3 help you become more confident in general, and Area 4 helps you become more confident in the moment with a woman, whether she’s showing interest or not!
Relaxed and strong in your body
Being relaxed and strong in your body is so important for connection and chemistry.
For a woman, chemistry happens when her body feels wonderful around your body.
For men, things are more visual. You feel attracted to her based on not only the shape of her body, but how she presents herself, and the overall vibe you get from her.
While those things are certainly important to women too, what is arguably even more important is the FEELING her body has when it is near your body.
Does that make sense?
These play a huge role into attraction for both men and women; they’re just generally flipped in order of importance (for men, visual tends to be first; for women, it’s presence).
And in order for her body to feel good around your body, your body must be relaxed and strong!
That’s the only way she can feel melty and open to you, which we ALL want to facilitate! It feels wonderful for both of you.
There are three main ways you can become relaxed and strong in your body.
Here they are:
1. “Waterfall Technique”
This technique is wonderful for smoothing out any nervous fidgets (which are prime signs of an UN-relaxed body!).
If you find yourself fidgeting, you can try this mental exercise:
Imagine yourself standing or sitting under a giant, slow and intense waterfall. Feel the water rushing over you, slowing you down, and calming your whole body, inside and out.
Because this feels so peaceful, if you imagine that, you may stop fidgeting naturally.
If you start fidgeting again, just remember the waterfall again; because when you’re not fidgeting, you are still. You’re calm, and women around you can feel that very easily.
2. “Lengthen and widen”
This is the mantra of the Alexander Technique, a respected philosophy about becoming more aligned and at ease in your body.
Here’s how to do this:
Lengthen: Imagine there’s a string of golden light (or any kind of string you like) pulling you up from the top of your head, gently pulling up up up until you are comfortably expanded. Your neck will be elongated. Your spine will feel such a nice pleasant space between the vertebrae.
Widen: Imagine there is someone or something gently smoothing your shoulders down and out, opening up space in your torso, just smoothing you out so nicely and so strongly, while keeping your head lifted.
Doing this will help you feel SO NICE… not only to women around you, but to you yourself as well!
3. Treating your body well with pleasing situations / places
The final way you can help your body feel relaxed and strong is to be very kind to yourself.
You can even see your body with a sense of reverence like, “If I were a King, how would I treat myself?”
This is the opposite of being inattentive to yourself, allowing little annoyances to creep into your experience, when they could just as easily have been prevented!
By contrast, treating your body well means things like…
- Making sure your clothes feel great on your body and fit you properly
- Making sure your clothes feel soft to the touch, and that they feel good on your skin
- Keeping your home as clean and orderly as feels good for you
- Choosing inviting places to meet up with friends, go on dates, or attend events, places that feel really nice for your body to be in
- Paying attention to how your body is feeling while you are working or driving or doing anything task-oriented, and repositioning as needed to keep yourself comfortable
- Checking in with your body to see if it would like a stretch or a walk, and if so, doing that as soon as is convenient
These things may sound simple… because they are! Don’t underestimate how helpful simple can be.
Relaxed and strong in your mind
Being comfortable around women requires that your mind is at ease.
An awesome way to help with this is to organize your thoughts in your own mind so you can objectively observe yourself with curiosity and clarity.
My favorite tool for this is the 7 Levels Framework by Bruce Schneider, the founder of iPEC Coaching where I got my coaching certification several years ago.
If you haven’t already read our guide on confidence for introverted men as it relates to the 7 Levels Framework, absolutely read that!
It is SO HELPFUL, and what I discuss in there underpins a lot of our clients’ results.
It’s a must-read, and it’s also the context of the exercise I’m about to share with you below, that our coaches use with our clients. You can borrow it for yourself!
The below is part of a transcript of me talking with a new client of ours who is working with Tiffany, one of our coaches (read this article first for context). Let’s call this client Peter:
Peter: This exercise I’m doing right now, actually, something Tiffany helped me come up with, is I’ve been doing a daily journal of which level I’m in throughout the day. I basically have seven entries, and I’m trying to say which of the seven levels I’m at at any given time. I’m discovering, yeah, it’s really all over the spectrum. Definitely some of the lower levels more than the higher ones, which is something I’d like to fix, but long story short, I’m all over the place. I think it’s really hard to get a shot of that just over a phone call.
Sarah: Yeah. You were mentioning yesterday that just talking about level one you were feeling some level one come out, you know?
Peter: Yeah, that seems to be a zone I spend far too much time in. I had a feeling I would be that. The second I read that, I was like, “Oh. I’m there way too much, for sure.” And then, sure enough, that’s what the data is telling me, at least for the first week.
Sarah: Yeah, yeah. Well, like you mentioned and you guys have talked about, that’s totally adjustable. I think when you see yourself starting to make more and more shifts, and you’re already seeing that, but as you keep seeing it, then it’s really fortifying, because then it’s not like, “Oh, there’s something I wanna do. I hope that A) it’s possible, and B) that I can do it.” Instead, it’s like, “Well, look at these other things I’ve done,” or, “Look at the progress I’ve already made.” Like, “I’m not bullshitting myself. I literally wasn’t like this and now I am, literally. So, okay, what do I wanna do next.” It’s very strong.
Peter: Yeah. I’ve already pleasantly surprised myself by writing this down. I thought I’d be like, “Okay, here’s some time in level one. I’m in level two whenever I’m in traffic, or something; I’m in level three at work; and then four through seven I’ve probably never been there. Oh, no, I’m totally wrong.” I’ve been somewhere in all of them, arguably, at least for some amount of time. So that, in itself is helpful. A lot of the days, I figured I’d just be like, “Nope, didn’t happen.” No, but I’ve been wrong.
Sarah: Right, right, right. Oh, I love that you’re noticing that. I love that, I love that, yeah.
Peter: I can’t deny raw data when I have it front of me at the end of every day.
I love that! “I can’t deny raw data when I have it in front of me”… absolutely.
So if you’d like to get a better sense of the wild and wooly world that is your human mind, get to know the 7 Levels Framework, and consider the exercise Peter mentioned above.
Relaxed and strong in your vibe
Your vibe is so, SO important… when it comes to connecting with women you find attractive, when it comes to feeling comfortable around women who are attracted to you, and just in general in all your interactions with people, even you-time when you’re alone.
Your vibe is a mix of two elements:
- What makes you unique
- Your 7 Levels mix overall and in that moment.
To find out for yourself what makes you unique, do the exercises in our free ebook: Why Pickup Doesn’t Work for Introverts & What Works Instead: Attracting An Amazing Girlfriend Starts with Finding Your Own Vibe (the longest title and subtitle ever, pretty much explains everything the ebook covers!).
The exercises in the ebook help you find what we at Introverted Alpha call your Values and Factors: these are the core of who you are uniquely. By finding yours, you are defining yourself as a man.
To find your 7 Levels mix overall and in that moment, read the article linked above, and do the exercise Peter explained.
The reason this is so important is depending on how you’re feeling and how you’re seeing yourself and the world at any given moment, you are coming across vastly different.
Have you ever noticed how sometimes you’ll have an “off day” and then other days, you’re fully on and feel unstoppable?
This can all be traced back to your 7 Levels mixes in those moments. I’d say more, but this article gives such a good overview, I’d just be repeating myself.
Relaxed and strong in your relating to her
Now that we’ve covered the 3 areas of your own comfort and confidence in general, let’s talk about how you relate to women directly in the moment.
Whether a woman is directly flirting with you, giving you a shy smile from across the room, or just a gorgeous woman you’ve noticed and feel curious to talk to…
How you see her in relation to yourself matters so much. It shapes the entire interaction.
There are three positions you can see her in relation to yourself.
They are Above, Below, and Equal.
Above: If you perceive her as being above you (more attractive, more X), then you will feel insecure no matter what you do.
Below: If you perceive her as below you (sexist, PUA-style thinking), then that is honestly just the flip side of insecurity. It’s overcompensation, empty pride… for what? Based on what?
Equal: This is the path to real connection. This is true confidence.
Rather than saying, “Oh she’s amazing, what do I have to offer her?” (Above) or, “Okay, let me trick her into liking me!” (Below), you can say, “She seems amazing. I know *I’m* amazing. Let’s see if we connect!” (Equal).
By seeing her as an equal, you open the door for a sexy, inspiring connection between the two of you as you feel out whether you’re on the same page and feel chemistry together.
This is the difference between you feeling closed off, stiff, and overthinking… versus open, playful, and free with her.
How to internalize all this
As you get used to becoming more comfortable around women, more relaxed and strong in your body, mind, vibe, and relating to them…
See if you can be more self-aware than self-conscious.
The difference between self-consciousness and self-awareness is this:
Self-consciousness is fear-based, small, and contracting; whereas self-awareness is well-informed, resourceful, and openly curious.
Everything you’ve read here so far has been about becoming self-aware around women you feel attracted to and all the time.
This great Harvard Business Review article discusses how you can develop self-awareness both from how you experience yourself (self-reflection) and from how others experience you (actively soliciting feedback).
Additionally, this piece by NYT Bestselling Author Mark Manson covers how self-awareness relates to our emotional lives and interpersonal relationships.
They’re both great reads.
Also, you can take our Dating Skills Assessment to get a good overview of your current self-confidence level and skillset with attractive women the first time you’re interacting with them, so you can see where you’re at in relation to other guys. Go here to take the assessment.