What if it’s easier than you think to feel and look awesome around new folks?
Today, I’m going to teach you a simple and fun technique to do just that.
You know that moment in group conversation when all you can think about is what they’re thinking of you? Well, you’ve already gotten yourself out of the house for the night, which is a win.
Yet when conversation after conversation makes you feel really self conscious, you start thinking, “Why in the hell did I come all the way out here? What am I punishing myself for?”
Then you fantasize”¦ imagining yourself all snuggled up with your laptop at home alone. Ah, home, sweet home. Where it’s quiet. Comfortable.
The truth is, though, the reason you’re out in the first place is to meet great people, have a good time, and enjoy yourself. Staying at home won’t accomplish that, so making your way towards the door isn’t really the right option.
You’re there to face your fears and come out on the other side a better man, a more attractive and well-connected man.
If you’ve always felt self conscious in groups, then it can seem logical to think that you’re always going to feel that way. But it’s only logical if you don’t do anything different. If you do what I’m about to tell you, you won’t be able to feel as self conscious even if you wanted to. (So proceed with caution.)
Before we dive in, know that it’s completely understandable to feel awkward around a bunch of people, especially strangers. Just because it’s understandable, though, doesn’t mean it’s ideal.
Ideally, you’d be comfortable in the conversation, know what to say more often than not, and feel happy and connected with the other people in the group.
You’ve probably heard before that in communication, the actual words you say only account for 7% of how other people perceive you. The other 93% comes from a mixture of your body language, presentation, and tone of voice.
Of that other 93%, there’s one technique you can use to eradicate most of your feeling self conscious in groups, so you can connect with people confidently.
The core of this technique is thinking genuinely curious and generous thoughts towards the other people in the conversation.
The reason you want to do this is because, as we say back in Alabama, “What’s down in the well comes up in the bucket.” This means that whatever is happening deep inside your thought-well comes “up in the bucket”, and other people can see it on the outside.
If your thoughts are focused on you and your own shortcomings, then that’s what people will see, and of course you’ll feel self conscious in groups! On the other hand, if your thoughts are focused on being genuinely curious and generous, then that’s how people will see you.
Here is exactly what to do. I call it the “Well-to-Bucket Technique”:
2 Questions To Social Success
While in conversation, ask yourself these two questions early and often:
QUESTION 1. What do I like about this person?
QUESTION 2. How can I help them?
Every time you notice yourself feeling self conscious, relentlessly return to those two questions. Let’s look at these in more detail to see how and why they work so well:
First, what about this person is endearing or interesting to you?
This could be sparked from something they say.
As you listen to them talk, it could be that they went to Thailand, where you’ve always wanted to visit. You might be very interested to hear about their journey.
Or they may have started a freelancing business on the side, and you’ve been considering that. So you might be really interested in hearing about that.
Maybe they’re talking about their niece or nephew, and it makes you think of your own. Or maybe they just have really warm and open body language, and it makes you feel good being around them.
Alternatively, it could be sparked by what you naturally appreciate in people.
What’s most important to you in terms of character? Also, what do you find just plain endearing? You may not have thought in these terms before, but once you get going at it, you can actually find a lot.
As a guy, you probably won’t be wanting to shout it from the rooftops, but if inside you’re thinking that there’s something really endearing about that old man in a bow tie, then you’re going to be happier just by noticing that. Or a woman who twitches her nose – that may be adorable to you.
If you notice these things a little bit, that can put your attention on the other person in a positive way.
It’s kind of a secret fun little world you can create of your own – all the things that you really like.
For some of my clients, it feels like being a secret agent – coming up with all these little quirky things about other people that they may not even notice about themselves, but that make you smile.
Secondly, what might you be able to help them with?
Asking this accomplishes two things:
ACCOMPLISHMENT # 1. You’re instantly more confident.
It helps you feel more confident and comfortable knowing you’re adding value to the conversation.
ACCOMPLISHMENT #2. It helps them feel more endeared to you.
People appreciate when you go out of your way to help them. Even the smallest thing can be significant just because of the gesture.
So when they’re talking about their career, a relationship, or just how to find parking in the area or even a good dentist – see if you have a recommendation, and then offer it.
This is a beautiful thing. It selflessly creates goodwill between the two of you. When you’re busy creating goodwill, who has time to be self-conscious?
Bottom line is, using my Well-to-Bucket Technique lessens your self-consciousness and makes you look good at the same time.
When your mind is focused on what you like about other people and how you might be able to help them, your attention is OFF you and ONTO them in a wonderful way.
Your attention on them feels good for them because you’re not being judgmental; you’re being curious and generous. It feels good for you because because being warm, curious, creative, resourceful, and generous makes you relaxed and entertained.
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