This post was crafted from a series of emails on becoming a Benevolent Badass that we shared with our list of subscribers (go here to join the fun and get our free ebook).
It was too good to leave in the past. We discuss the in’s and out’s of Benevolent Badassery, including how you can apply this concept to your own life and vibe, and how it impacts different areas of your life, from career to dating to friends and family.
Nice Guy vs. A**hole? Take this liberating route instead
I was having a burger with my brother the other day, and he was telling me about a men’s group he’s in and how when asked, “What does it mean to be a man?” no one knew the answer.
“No one knows what ‘being a man’ means,” he said, frustrated.
By this point, I had forgotten about the burger in my hands and was focused precisely on this conundrum.
“We have to solve this!”
“You are solving it, Sarah! That’s what your business is about.”
This is a big issue, am I right?
As a man in your day-to-day life, doesn’t it sometimes feel like your manhood is questioned, either from the outside or within yourself or both?
It’s no wonder, because popular culture doesn’t seem to know what “being a man” means.
There are two pervasive schools of thought on what it means to be a man and they are both WAY out of whack:
The “Good Man” aka “Nice Guy”
Perhaps you’ve read Dr. Robert Glover’s “No More Mr. Nice Guy.”
In that book, he talks about how tempting it is to “play nice” and appease everyone, instead of actually directing your course along what is true for you.
- saying “yes” to taking on a project you don’t want
- listening to your friend complain about a totally changeable situation for the 1,000th time even though you’re exhausted
- saying “yes” to staying friends with a woman who doesn’t see you romantically, but who you feel intensely attracted to
On the surface, all these things might seem nice.
Right? They are nice, right?
The only reason you’d say yes to something you don’t actually want is either…
(a) you haven’t done the internal soul-searching to determine what you want, or
(b) you know what you want, but you don’t say it for fear of the other person’s response.
Either way is not being a “good man” — it’s not being much of a man at all.
It’s being more like a boy.
There is nothing wrong with boys; boys are great.
But being a boy in a grown man’s body is not anyone’s best look.
Onto the alternative…
The “Real Man” aka “Asshole”
If you’ve been popping pickup advice like it’s candy, then you have been at the receiving end of, “Just do it, man! Come on, who cares how it affects her?! You’ve got to get your needs met!”
Oh my goodness, as painful as it is for you to read that, it was much more painful for me to write.
Not good at all.
REALLY GLAD we actually care about people over here at IA: men and women alike.
The problem with the, “Just do it at everyone’s expense!” advice is not just that it’s incredibly disrespectful to women; it’s also disrespectful to men.
Why should you have to talk to a woman you’re not even into? Why should you have to be overly macho when you’d rather rock a quiet confidence?
The answer is you don’t have to.
The “real man” as it’s currently considered in popular culture is sorely misguided, and quality women WHO RESPECT THEMSELVES don’t even like it.
You can tell me all day long that x or y amazing woman is into men who treat her poorly.
And I’ll tell YOU that clearly she’s not the woman you think she is.
Yes, she’s kind and beautiful and, and, and… but she is NOT self-respecting or else she wouldn’t be with that guy.
And a woman who is not self-respecting will NOT be the kind of partner you’re wanting, I’m telling you. She won’t be.
So thank goodness, there is a third alternative, which actually DOES attract quality, self-respecting women:
The “Benevolent Badass” aka Sincerely Confident Man
The Benevolent Badass is awesome because he is BOTH a true Good Man AND a Real Man at once.
This is because the Benevolent Badass is two things:
BENEVOLENT (“bene” means “good” and “voleo” means “power” >> “using his power for good,” making him a genuinely Good Man)
BADASS (this means going after what he wants in life, making him an undeniably Real Man)
Can you see a glimpse of how these two traits work together in a man?
Good Man and Real Man combined into one Benevolent Badass?
Oh yes, very exciting stuff.
I have a LOT more to say on this and how to accomplish this.
A lot more…
Up next, I’ll share the four masculine traits of a Benevolent Badass.
These traits are critical to earning your own respect (not forced respect which never works, but DEEP real respect), and the respect of women and men in your life.
It goes without saying this is a very important discussion regardless of where you are in life.
This isn’t about getting great dates (what if you already have lots of great dates?) or building an amazing relationship (what if you’re not looking for a relationship right now?).
It’s about building real CONFIDENCE, something every man under the son longs for and looks damn good in.
That’s what we’ll be exploring in this article together!
The iconic photo that says it all (what male confidence looks like)
A beautiful couple is lost in each others’ gaze, entranced in the feeling of being close and in love and also mysterious to each other.
Photos that capture that moment are timeless, and our hearts connect with them.
Even still, there is a more iconic photo that represents the CONTEXT for that kind of attraction and depth to take place…
A context in which the man’s world is NOT all about the woman… but something greater than any one woman, any one person at all.
Here’s an example “context” photo I love:
Notice that in this photo, the woman is facing towards her man, while her man is facing into the camera (and in many iconic photos like this, the man faces off into the distance).
Do you see the strength in his eyes, the sense of larger purpose and mission?
I AND OTHER WOMEN LOVE THAT.
Perhaps counterintuitively, women do NOT want to be the center of your world.
We want to be close yet peripheral… yes, center in the moments of deep connection… but not central 24/7. Otherwise, it starts to feel claustrophobic, which is not good because everyone loves their freedom.
In dating and relationships, we can be free AND intimate.
The only way to do that is for both people to have SOLID CONFIDENCE.
As important as it is to become appealing to the very women you seek to attract, it is even more important to build the FOUNDATION of being a badass who is also benevolent.
That foundation supersedes sexual and romantic attraction because it’s about how you are as a MAN IN THIS WORLD.
How you are socially with…
- How does it feel for people to experience YOU?
Remember from my previous writings: “You are an experience that other people are having. So make it a good one!”
And there’s only one way to make yourself a “good experience”.
And that is to build genuinely deep, abiding confidence…
The kind of confidence that liberates you into saying NO when you want to (ideally backed by the knowledge of HOW to best say “no” in a tactful gracious way, which we’ll get more into soon).
The kind of confidence that enables you to say YES to opening a new possibility of closeness by inviting a woman, a guy friend, an acquaintance or colleague on a mini-adventure to a new coffee shop down the street.
Your strong YES and your strong NO.
Being rooted in those, fluid in the moment to what your body/heart/mind is saying.
These are glimpses into what being a Benevolent Badass FEELS LIKE in your day-to-day… the subtle and profound directional changes it has on your life… no James Bond job description required.
You don’t have to be Daniel Craig in a black leather jacket and crisp button-down to bring out your inner badass (though great street style doesn’t hurt!); you can simply develop your own true badass vibe on the inside and let that permeate your entire life.
It’s so exciting to share all this with you. (!)
Earlier, we talked a bit about what it means to be a Benevolent Badass:
To use your power for good, and also to go after what you want.
- Find Your Benevolent Badass True North
- Bring Out Your Best Around Colleagues, Acquaintances, and Family
- Become An Intentional Social Leader
I’ll be talking about each of these in more depth.
They are so good, and there is so much DEPTH to each that is foundational to all things dating and relationship-related.
The man you are, the man you show up as BEFORE you meet her… that is foundational.
And it’s a whole lot of fun to develop.
More to come on all that!
Alternative to “fake it till you make it”
I love hearing that what I’m writing is resonating with you.
The fact that you get it, that you see why confidence is so important, means you’re already a lot of the way there.
Take one wise fellow reader’s thoughts:
“The more confidence one has, the better he or she will be in everything in life. Even if they don’t get it right away, with confidence and hard work, anything can be accomplished.”
Look at the confidence about confidence! I love that. I think a certain level of confidence is required to undertake any endeavor that is challenging and unknown.
To be your own unique Benevolent Badass, you have to reach beyond what has been your norm into what you would like to be your norm.
It reminds me of my tried-and-true “Magic Carpet Technique”
(I named it as a brand new coach years ago).
Here’s how it goes. It has 3 steps.
Magic Carpet Technique:
STEP 1: Imagine a future version of yourself doing what it is you now would like to be doing. Imagine yourself 5, 10, goodness even 30 years from now, older and wiser, showing up like a Benevolent Badass BOSS in a specific situation you care about progressing in (talking to an attractive woman at a party, speaking up in a company meeting, booking the weekend trip you’ve been wanting).
STEP 2: Next, know for SURE that you will get there. One day, you will do that. If you put your mind to it, why in this world wouldn’t you? It may take a LONG TIME, but if you are RESOLVED, you will eventually get there, am I right? You must really feel this and see it before going to Step 3, for Step 3 to be effective. Okay, ready?
STEP 3: Say to yourself, “If I know for sure I’m EVENTUALLY going to do it… why not go ahead and do it now?”
You know you’re doing this “right” when waves of liberation wash over you.
Like a, “Thank goodness I can just be me and go for it!” liberation.
It does NOT feel like pushing through and “just doing it.”
Instead it feels natural, elegant, easy. It feels exhilarating, edgy, and alive.
Now, this is one technique that may or may not land for you. If it does, awesome! If not, that’s okay.
There are lots of ways to get at the same thing. This is simply one way.
Now, let’s look at what another fellow IA reader emailed me:
“I want to fully ingrain confidence into my personality to a point where it’s no longer fake.”
I hear that.
For some of you, you’d like this confidence to carry over into dating so you can respond when a woman is turning her body towards you or showing some interest.
For others of you, you honestly don’t care about dating:
- Maybe you’re already in a relationship or married (I’m surprised at how many guys at IA are married and who read these emails for general self-development!).
- Or maybe you just don’t want to date right now. Yes, it’s important for one day but it’s just not a priority right now.
Wherever you’re at is totally okay with me. Go for it!
All of you are in different times and places in life. That’s why I’m so excited to be talking about Benevolent Badassery.
How awesome would it feel to be your own man, to be undeniably and consistently confident, whether you’re…
- stepping out for some grocery shopping,
- mingling your way through a cocktail party,
- or sharing your perspective at a company meeting.
Confidence is a skill that is consistently, ongoingly useful.
As one reader pointed out,
“Women love a man who has a purpose in life and brings her along for the ride rather than making her the purpose of his life.”
She doesn’t want to rescue you.
She doesn’t want to be your everything, no matter what 80’s love songs say.
If she’s healthy and free, she’ll want to see you manning up in your own life, big time, before you ever step foot in hers.
This looks like…
- taking the vacation you’ve been wanting to go on
- picking up the new hobby you’ve been wanting to try
- saying hello to the pretty woman who keeps looking your way
Being a Benevolent Badass is not as simple as just doing those things.
You could technically “do those things” today.
The deeper thing she’s looking for (and more importantly, that you’re looking for in yourself), is the RESOLVE to make things happen for yourself, to invest ALL YOUR RESOURCES into your own well-being, the kaleidoscope of elements and courage that entails.
Think about a guy you respect.
Think about what you respect about him…
- his sense of personal style
- his adoring, fun wife
- or his easy way with people
All those things can inspire you on your Benevolent Badass journey.
And yet, it’s not any one of those things that earns your respect. It’s what those things signify, what they point to, which is…
THE KIND OF MAN HE IS TO HAVE EARNED THOSE THINGS.
THAT is it. And that is what you respect.
That is what you want to achieve, and that is what I am here to help you achieve.
Woman or no woman, how amazing would it feel to be the kind of man who earns others’ respect, and most importantly, your own?
Not only the, “I accept myself as I am,” respect which is important, but the deeper and EARNED, “I’m awesome,” respect.
Where you can say to yourself sincerely without wavering,
“I am ALWAYS growing and getting better. Why, because it “just happens”? NO. Because I have decided to pour into my own THRIVING day after day. I already love how I am today. And every day, I am getting stronger.”
<< NOT as a “fake it till you make it” mantra…
But as an objective observation of the Benevolent Badass you are becoming.
How amazing would that feel?
To see yourself making real progress in that direction, progress that shows through in your day-to-day?
Regarding progress, think about…
What WOULD be a specific life trigger for you say, “Damn, I am a Benevolent Badass, through and through.”
What would be happening in that moment, big or small?
And what would make you feel like that?
How Benevolent Badasses feel socially
I decided to share with you a voice note I recorded on a long drive with my sister (so the below ended up being more editing than writing!).
It’s all about how to facilitate genuine connection, which is what we all want at the end of the day.
Genuine connection is one thing Benevolent Badasses are wonderful at providing (not from birth, but learned over years of focus).
The rest of this is very casual in tone because it was originally spoken, not written.
Alright, here it is!
You don’t have to be perfect for others to like and respect you.
If you’re focused on being perfect, even though you think you’re doing that for other people, you’re actually doing that from a place of discomfort within yourself because you feel that you’re not good enough.
In that moment, there’s a feeling of something not being enough right now.
There are two human beings connecting, and in your mind somehow that isn’t enough. That creates a lot of stress on you and the environment and the other person.
We can avoid that stress.
Maybe you feel like you’re shut down, or maybe you feel like you want to give room for the other people because you don’t want to be taking up too much space…
Whatever it is, if you’re withdrawing right away because you’re trying to be perfect, then notice whatever you’re doing when you’re trying to be perfect.
This looks different for every person.
It’s liberating (though stinging at first!) to realize that the effort of trying to be perfect socially is actually an immaturity and a selfishness because you’re missing out on the whole picture.
You’re only focusing on yourself, and you’re missing out on the entire reality that’s going on.
Instead, here’s what you can do:
Let’s say you’ve arrived at a party where other people have just arrived.
If you’re absorbed within yourself and if you are feeling very anxious and feeling that your inner world is very complex and you have to sort it right then and there, there is a barrier.
It’s a moveable barrier.
But if you’re not aware of it, then there is a barrier between you and them that you might not want.
The barrier is being focused 100% on your complex internal experience, and 0% curious about theirs.
Instead, you can think of it much more like an open shared space that they’re included in alongside you.
There is still complexity, sure (the universe is amazing and complex). The difference is looping them in as part of the complexity.
You’re intrigued about them, and you wonder how has their day been, and you actually care:
- How has their day been?
- How are they?
- And how was it getting here?
You can use context clues of the environment.
For example if there was a lot of traffic on your way getting there, well they probably had a lot of traffic too. Or if it’s raining, well they’ve had a rainy day too. Whatever it is.
Or if they have a baby. Oh wow, they’ve been traveling with a baby, so what’s it like for them to travel with a baby because maybe for them it’s not what you would think of as traveling with a baby.
There’s so much to be curious about with people.
So instead of just focusing on yourself, focus on them and actually feel the curiosity in you and the connection and the ease of being open with them.
Then you can really relax because now you are just curious about these people.
If your mind is overwhelmed with trying to be perfect, then that’s actually not good. Instead if you’re focused on them, guess what?
Your attention is free and mobile.
You can literally just focus on connecting, and you’re open to however they are.
You’re also open to however you are.
How do you feel?
You’re not forgetting yourself, but you’re just one of the people.
If there are five people, you’re one fifth of those people:
- You’re not 100% of a situation. You are one fifth.
- You are also not 0%; you’re one full fifth.
There’s five and there’s you, so thinking about the other people in that context is acknowledging that everybody’s a complex person.
Everybody has a lot going on.
Everybody is learning and growing, so it’s about feeling like a part of that, not feeling separate from that. It’s about feeling very much a part of that.
There are five units, and you’re one of the units.
It is very appropriate that you then feel equal with them:
- You don’t feel below them.
- You don’t feel above them either.
- Rather, you feel equal with them.
Now yes, it’s up to you to take care of yourself. So you are #1 priority and you should be.
In terms of being social, though, just remember this:
What people want at the end of the day is to feel comfortable in their own skin among people that they feel connected to.
If you can give them that, that’s such a gift and if you feel open with yourself and you feel accepting wherever you are, you don’t have to be perfect.
You can have a TON of stuff that you’re working on that you just realized about yourself that you want to change, and that’s fine.
That’s okay. They have that too.
That’s what makes us feel connected and together as humans.
Zero people are perfect, so realizing that and enjoying the feeling of connecting without walls and barriers and without being over the top, just like, “Hey, human.”
Then you are each saying in essence,
“Hey other human; you’re a human too and I also am, and look at how we are today on this day of whatever year and month and day it is with whatever situation we find ourselves.”
It’s just very relaxed and if you’re like that, people are going to feel so good with you. That’s what’s generous right there. That’s what also gets respected.
People respect that relaxed confidence a lot, and they appreciate that a lot.
I got a compliment recently: “Thank you for being yourself and thank you for being so openly yourself.”
I really liked that because being open feels really nice for everyone. The alternative is being closed off.
Being open doesn’t mean you have to be open to people that you don’t like. It doesn’t mean you have to be open all the time or that there’s an obligation to be open.
Openness is not something you’re trying to be.
Rather, openness is a natural fruit of you seeing yourself and other people as equal connected people, and when you see it like that you become open.
That openness, that easy connection, is how a Benevolent Badass sees himself among other people.
He’s not focused on performing for others and trying really hard to be perfect socially.
Instead, he’s just being a human among other humans, and it feels really nice.
This Benevolent Badassery is not an innate talent; it is a skill to build and don’t worry, we are NOT done talking about that skill. There’s more to come.
Shaping the positive experience others have of you
As an art major in college, you know what I loved?
When people looked at a painting I made, and they had the exact experience I intended.
In art class, we would all work on an assignment individually side-by-side standing at our drafting tables (I loved that and miss it!).
One assignment was to paint/draw an object we loved.
We used black ink on white paper (dipping an old-fashioned pen into an ink well, drawing on wet and/or dry paper).
Immediately, I knew I wanted to paint a sheer ribbon I’d had tied around my backpack loophole for years.
I loved that ribbon.
It was worn and tattered at the edges, and it was elegant.
I laid the ribbon on my table and smoothed over my paper with my hands (good paper feels SO GOOD to touch; try it!).
Drawing my hands across the paper, I was imagining where the lines would go.
I was imaginging how I’d paint this (shapes, layering, degree of abstractness, features to emphasize, etc).
I felt very confident and peaceful about this painting. And I knew what I wanted to infuse it with, what I wanted others to feel when they looked at it.
I wanted them to feel peaceful, refreshed, light, and spontaneous.
As I enjoyed making this painting, my teacher walked by and commented on how nicely it was coming along (don’t you love that? I’ve always loved teachers/mentors saying, “Job well done / job is going well in progress!” It’s reassuring and adds to the satisfaction of creating something wonderful).
I had such a grand time painting that ribbon.
I’d drip water onto the paper and feel a rush of anticipation as I lay the pen, pregnant with black ink, on the page.
It would hold closely to itself on dry paper, and as soon as I ran it across the wet portions of paper, it would swell and meander quickly in every which way.
It was fantastic. I couldn’t control it precisely, and yet it was doing exactly what I wanted.
I was collaborating with the painting!
That’s how I painted.
That’s what I loved: infusing the process with peace, refreshment, lightness, and spontaneity.
A few days later after everyone was finished with their paintings, we had a critique.
I loved critiques!
The class would sit down on stools in a semi-circle alongside the professor, and together we’d look at each student’s painting one by one.
We’d comment on what we noticed: the technical aspects and the experience we had while looking at it.
When it was my turn, you know what they said?
Keep in mind, I had not *talked* about the painting to ANY of them.
Not a single one.
Without hearing my intention or anything about the painting from my side, here’s what they said…
“I feel so peaceful looking at this painting.”
“I don’t know why, but it has a spontaneous feel to it.”
“It just feels light.”
They had the EXACT experience I intended.
This felt so good. It felt RIGHT.
Like this is what should be happening, you know?
That is what I want to tie into your SOCIAL INFLUENCE today.
How people feel around you.
How people experience you as an individual…
Because for me, as satisfying as it is for my paintings (and these emails, for that matter!) to offer the exact experience I am intending for people to have…
It is especially satisfying when they experience what I intend SOCIALLY:
“Sarah, you’re so warm and welcoming.”
“I feel inspired after spending time with you.”
“You’re so full of life! I love it.”
“You are such an open person.”
“You seem relaxed in your own skin.”
And when I’m pulling out all the stops:
“Excuse me… have I seen you on TV?”
People have mistaken me for a celebrity, I kid you not.
How amazing would it feel to have people thinking you’re a celebrity?!
Or to feel around YOU the very things you’ve intended, whatever that is for you?
What would that feel like, to literally SHAPE people’s experience of you?
It’s actually generous.
It is so thoughtful and precise that it starts to make the alternative of, “Well, I guess I’ll just leave it to chance!” feel sloppy.
One awesome reader spelled it out so beautifully, I had to quote him for you (and I pulled a portion for this email’s subject line!):
“What’s most exciting about becoming this Benevolent Badass: Knowing how to super charge a room I walk into with whatever emotion I want people to experience around me.
“Relaxation, excitement, sexual tension, friendliness, whatever. I want to know how to shape the positive experience people have when I’m around them.”
I will tell you how we can get you accomplishing this deeply and sustainably, so you can…
- Infuse your whole vibe with more of YOU, your *favorite* Values & Factors of yours, whatever they may be!
- Feel confident around people you know and don’t know, EVEN IF that currently sounds unattainable for you.
- Shift old patterns in your relating with family, colleagues, acquaintances so you can show up BOLDLY in any situation.
… and much more; that’s a small taste.
You guys have been asking me for this for a long time and I am very excited to finally be able to share it with you!
For now, 3 tangible steps you can take…
STEP 1: Consider your favorite Values and Factors from the ebook. What would you like to showcase more of?
STEP 2: Notice people in your day-to-day who seem to be living out that Value or Factor in their everyday lives. What do you notice about…
- how they dress,
- the way they hold themselves,
- how they speak,
- what they talk about,
- how they respond to others?
STEP 3: Try out incorporating one small thing you’ve noticed from them into your day-to-day.
Snake shedding its skin (don’t worry, no pictures!)
Snakes aren’t my favorite, per se.
About 50% of people are downright afraid of them, majestic creatures though they are.
But you know what they’re excellent at, whether they know it or not?
Being a great metaphor for what happens when you grow out of an old skin and into a new one that feels much nicer.
That is exactly what happens in the first month of Become a Benevolent Badass.
Once you get into the program, each month has a different focus.
The end goal of this program is to be, feel, and present as a true Benevolent Badass in a deeply personal way for you, yourself, as your own man.
We want your Benevolent Badassery to show through and be integral to ALL your relationships: your family, colleagues, acquaintances, people who see you around.
This program means they’ll all see the man you are; they’ll all get that vibe from you.
The most important thing is you’re really feeling like your own Benevolent Badass, not copying someone else, which is where a lot of dating advice goes wrong.
Emulating surface observations will NEVER feel good for you. Ever. And it can’t and shouldn’t! You don’t get Benevolent Badass confidence by “trying really hard”. (!!)
You get it from doing the work we do that first month…
In Month One, you start drawing together your unique strengths that you have as your own man (this is SO FUN. It’s a treasure trove in there!).
As fun as that sounds, it will also be challenging because it will be confronting things about yourself that you don’t necessarily like right now and that you’d like to change.
But it will also be exciting because it will open you up to the different possibilities and ways that you can be that you haven’t seen before.
We’ll guide you through that process.
You’re here because you don’t have a static vision of yourself; you know you can change and grow. Otherwise you’d not be reading this!
This is where the snake’s skin shedding comes in.
Perhaps the most interesting and fun part about the program (in addition to belly laughs you’ll undoubtedly share with one of our sharp, fun coaches) is that you go through a metamorphosis of sorts.
It will start to not feel “right” to function in your old way.
For example, let’s say you notice an attractive woman is standing just behind you in line for coffee, and furthermore SHE IS SMILING AT YOU and seems warm to you.
Right now, it may feel very normal to not say anything to her.
Once you start making progress in the program, though, it will start to feel uncomfortable because you start to feel that you COULD say something to her.
The progress is starting to feel uncomfortable in your “old” to-be-shed skin, and starting to move past that into a new way that becomes available to you.
It’s not overnight obviously, but it’s a good description of a snake shedding its skin.
It starts to feel like, “Okay, this isn’t quite fitting anymore.”
From there, you can start moving into something new.
Over the course of Month One, we also look at what it means for you specifically to be a benevolent badass in different areas of your life.
We’ll look at your career and what you want from that. Then your home life, presentation, your social life, your hobbies even, dating and relationships…
Any area you want to focus on, we’ll help you think into the future, “Okay, what do I want this to be?”
That will be your guiding compass, and it will make it easier for you to make decisions. For example, let’s say you’re dating someone, and you have had a tendency to go along with her because she showed interest in you.
On the phone with us, you can identify areas where you might have a tendency to go along and make decisions “by default” instead of being proactive and powerful, even though that power is your deep core nature that we will help you bring out in Month One.
Here’s one fruit of all this guided reflection and coaching conversations:
If you’ve already put proper thought into what kind of relationship you want, the qualities you’re looking for in a woman, how the vibe is going to be and all of that…
Then it’s much easier to make that judgment call of, “Okay, this isn’t the right thing,” and to be able to make that decision cleanly.
That decision feels liberating because you know it’s nothing personal against her.
It’s nice and flattering that she’s interested in you, but it’s cleaner to simply decide how you feel, notice what you notice, and move towards what you want next.
That clarity is always appreciated in the dating world because dating can often feel fuzzy and unclear. It’s generous, and it’s a big part of being a benevolent badass.
- It’s benevolent because you’re not dragging her along.
- And it’s badass to say, “I want what I want, and I’m going after that.”
Imagine approaching things from that mindset!
We’ll walk you through all of that, and having your coach there holding you accountable will help you with that process as well. It all works together.
With the right guys for the program, not only is it effective, it’s a lot of fun too!
We don’t do “hard sales” because not only does that make me ill to my stomach to even type, it also gets “bad apples” into the bunch, meaning guys who are not a good fit with us.
We only want the awesome fits, so that is why talking with us is a very clean, focused experience.
It’s a mutual “getting to know you!” party. :D
So, does all that make sense? Can you imagine Month One of the program?
That’s a lot of ones, lol.
How to “flirt” with everyone, everywhere you go ;)
Do you ever wish you could be more playful around new people?
It can be a mystery…
“How come I can be so relaxed and fun around my friends, but with a new person it takes like 3 months to get to that point, where they can see that side of me?”
Well, just as much as you’d like to see that resolved for yourself, I want to see it resolved for you too!!
And it can be.
In fact, it’s what Month Two of our Program: Become A Benevolent Badass is all about.
After all, you can only tap into your playful vibe once you feel easeful.
Makes sense, right?
So that’s where we start, building the foundation in Month One and continuing it in the first module of Month Two (Module 5: Feeling Relaxed and At Ease Socially).
Month Two is all about bringing out your best around the people in your life.
Your colleagues, acquaintances, and family, all of them.
In the previous section, I walked you through Month One (and you can get all the module details and the pricing/structure details here).
After that first month, you’ve found your true north. Your clear YES and clear NO. Your vision for your life and the man you are / want to be in the world.
Very inspiring stuff.
So in Month Two, you’re taking everything you’re doing socially up a few notches, or several.
Because of the groundwork you laid in Month One, it will feel natural and easeful for you.
It’s the next logical/feels-right step. (<< fun to have those words nestled together, right? Yay for a logic and feels marriage!)
Let’s walk through what Month Two will look and feel like for you…
First thing is to feel open and comfortable in your own skin in any social situation.
You can notice what feels good in easier “no pressure” social situations like hanging out at a friend’s house with a handful of buddies, or joking around with your colleagues on a Friday afternoon when everyone is feeling chill.
Then you can analyze what is working there, and move that up into higher levels of difficulty… to the point that you could be in a room with your heroes and feel at ease. (!!)
Not only will you feel relaxed internally, it also comes through in your body. Your body is communicating 100% of the time that you are around people, and your words are only really when you’re speaking.
So your body is important, and we’ll work on all that in a combination of “inside-out” AND “outside-in” ways because using those in tandem becomes very complementary and helpful. You’ll see! :)
Once you’re feeling easeful…
When you are relaxed in your own body, it becomes much easier to be playful.
At this point in Month Two, you’ll learn a new way to think about playfulness and flirting.
If it’s felt inaccessible to you in the past, that’s OKAY.
It really is.
It just means that you haven’t done all the pre-work of the previous *6* (!!) modules of the program.
Once you’re here, halfway through the full 3 months, you will start seeing what it feels like to be a delight everywhere you go.
That’s within your control, it also feels like becoming more of yourself and not less of yourself.
Looking back on the past, you may feel like you had blinders on before; by Module 6 you simply don’t see things the same way anymore.
(One of my personal favorite parts of being human: self-actualizing. It is like an intense workout! Feels really good, takes focus, and pays off with endorphins in the moment and progress over time.)
From there, you can apply your new playful vibe anywhere.
You can even be playful at work, both with peers and people you look up to… being playful in a way that feels good for the office.
The reason we have a whole module for the office is because you’re there 40+ hours a week.
So you have a lot of opportunity to practice things there. Naturally, we’re going to make use of that. (!) You can develop your charisma at work.
It’s not all sunshine and roses, though.
Sometimes there are conflicts.
We’ll teach you how to resolve them well, which makes people respect you more because you’re very effective at moving things forward in business and in relationships.
This is important because if you have pending conflicts that you haven’t dealt with, it comes through in your vibrancy as a person.
Conflict resolution is a life skill, and if you can be a LEADER in that… that’s badass territory. More on Leadership of Month Three tomorrow!
Being playful is fun in its own right, but feeling that CLOSENESS because of it is even sweeter.
Being able to be friendlier with everyone, “flirting” with everyone no matter where you are… and for a lifetime, not just for a month or two… imagine how great that would feel.
It gets me so excited!
Being a Leader among Leaders (SO BADASS)
We talked about Month One and Month Two already, and now it’s time for the third month, which is all about becoming an intentional social leader.
So by this point in the program, you’ve accomplished a lot:
- You’re feeling like a Benevolent Badass in your day-to-day.
- You are finding natural opportunities to bring out your new sense of playfulness.
- You’re giving off a whole new level vibe to everyone you come across: strangers and old friends alike.
You’ll be in a really good position at this point to be a social leader, in whichever way you want… not necessarily throwing huge parties every weekend (unless that’s your thing!).
It’s about thinking about the people you want to be close with you… based on what you value and overlapping or complementary strengths.
For example, if adventure is a deep value for you, then you may want to be surrounded by people who either share that value as well (and show it in their day-to-day).
OR perhaps they have a value that you really like to be around and learn from (like stability and setting roots, for example).
Another reason it’s important to uncover your own strengths is that if you’re with people and you see something you WANT that you perceive yourself not to have (or not to have to that DEGREE you’re seeing in the people around you), guess what happens?
That whole modus operandi can feel and come across as a creepy vibe, like you’re lacking something — like you’re coming up empty — and you WANT something from them.
No! We don’t want that, lol.
What we want INSTEAD is this:
You’re in touch with your deep strengths — you know what they are and you are GROWING THEM and developing them as part of your lifestyle, so that when you see something you value in someone else, it’s like, “Oh yeah, me too.”
So you don’t feel “lower” than that person; instead, you appreciate what you have to offer and see that it’s all complementary.
It’s a more “even” vibe instead of seeing others as above you.
This is how you up-level your connections and your social leadership:
It’s BEING at the level of the people you want to attract.
Because when you want to be surrounded by awesome people, that is what you’re actually wanting deep down… to self-actualize to the point that it MAKES SENSE for you to be around those people… that it just ‘clicks’ because of the man you are.
Social relationships are a HUGE part of human happiness. It’s a core element of a fulfilled life.
At the same time, you don’t have to connect with everyone and especially not people you don’t like but may have just befriended them because they were “there” — NO!
You don’t have to do it that way.
You can be INTENTIONAL.
- Being intentional is being artful.
- It’s being thoughtful.
- It’s being ALIVE and ENGAGED with life.
That is a hallmark of an excellent leader, and the best part is… we can all be leaders!
A leader does not require “followers” per se (because that would get old to have a walking fan club following you everywhere).
Instead, you get to be a leader AMONG LEADERS.
How badass, right?
Think about an amazing convention or a group of scientists or writers who were all friends and then went on to become mega-successful together, each in their own way.
That is one example of social fulfillment (that speaks to me personally, hence me using it as an example!). But there are so many ways to be inspired by who you’re around.
It doesn’t even have to do with professional success per se, but let’s say if you want to be surrounded by people who have rich emotional success in their relationships… or who have success with just being CHILL to be around and you love that.
IT CAN BE ANYTHING.
Anything you want! And that is what is so fun about Month Three because what you want is natural for you; that’s why you want it.
It is complementary to the man you are deep down. And we get to draw out that man together and develop him as a leader.
Ahhh!! Haha, I love writing about this.
There aren’t enough words in this article to describe it all!
Where to go from here…
Our program is open for enrollment about twice a year.
Follow the links below to learn more, and if you’re interested, apply to speak with us and we’ll let you know when your next chance to join will be.