Your natural charisma can skyrocket with just a few tweaks.
Today, we’re offering charisma-themed tips that can improve your dating AND business skills.
Don’t think it’s possible? Consider the following description of charisma, offered by author and business coach to Fortune 500 CEOs Olivia Fox Cabane:
“Charisma gets people to like you, trust you, and want to be led by you.”
That could come in handy in a boardroom, bar, or just about anywhere else, right?
While it’s geared toward entrepreneurs and business leaders, her overarching message easily applies to guys trying to improve dating skills.
In fact, we liked her teachings so much we’ve deconstructed their ingredients, stirred ’em in a pot, and freshened ‘em up for you as 6 fast-track tips on how to be more charismatic with women.
Ready for some science-based charisma training? Let’s go…
Charisma = Presence + Power + Warmth
When it comes to the question, “How to be more charismatic?” Cabane says:
Charisma = Presence + Power + Warmth
Here’s how she breaks it down:
- Presence: A person’s perception of your moment-to-moment awareness of what’s happening.
- Power: A person’s perception of your ability to affect the world around you.
- Warmth: A person’s perception of your goodwill toward them and others.
Getting these three interaction mindsets right is powerful, Cabane says:
“Charisma can make the world go round,” she says. “People will want to do what you want them to do.”
Hey guys: wouldn’t it be great if your crush is compelled to do what you want her to do, just by being naturally charismatic and honest?
Improving your presence/power/warmth interaction mindsets will help that happen.
So, let’s go a step further and dive into each mindset component.
Why and How to Improve Your Presence
Have you ever only half-listened to someone while the other half of your brain wandered off?
It’s a pretty common problem, right?
Unfortunately, behavioral science has proven the other party in the conversation can notice thanks to the facial and eye reactions you don’t even know you’re making.
When they do sense it, an automatic “incongruence” forms (as Cabane calls it), even if it’s not a fully conscious thought in their minds.
It’s devastating both in a conference room and on a date.
Conversely, Cabane says improving your ability to be present will make you memorable, simply because so many people are bad at it:
“When you’re fully present, even a five-minute conversation can create a “wow” effect, as well as an emotional connection.”
Luckily, she offers a couple of tips to overcome your wandering mind and improve your presence. They’ll work great for enhancing your dating skills, too:
Tip 1: Toe sensation exercises – Mindfulness exercises are a great way to help train your brain to stay present. One of Cabane’s favorites is to take a few moments and focus on the sensations in your toes.
It doesn’t take long, but it makes your mental energy assemble, focus on a singular question, and sweep the entire body to find the answer. It also makes you keenly aware of the physical sensations of the moment, which can carry over to awareness when you’re interacting with others.
Tip 2: Eye-Gazing – You definitely don’t want to overdo this one, but an ability to gaze into a speaker’s eyes to the point where you can identify the color changes can drastically improve the person’s perception of you.
Why? As Cabane explains it, it’s a sign that you’re giving the person your full presence. In turn, this makes them feel at the center of your universe.
For more tips, click here to learn all about making natural eye contact.
Why and How to Improve Your Power
No, this is not about how much you can benchpress (although here are some pre-date workout tips), nor is it about the number of zeroes in your bank account.
In terms of charisma, “power” simply refers to a perception of your ability to command and control an element (or multiple elements) of your world.
Your power might be physical command and control, but it could also be emotional, intellectual, spiritual, or any other category.
So, improving your ability to convey power in your interactions is vital to improving your charisma and Cabane has some practical exercises that can help.
Introverted alpha men express their power in a unique way — read about how to internalize and project that here.
Tip 3: Learn How to Better Claim Space – The way you stand, sit, and hold yourself during interactions is the most important aspect of power, says Cabane. Expansive poses that make you seem large and solid — think of a soldier standing at attention — are shown to increase assertive energy and boost testosterone.
Without signing up for the draft ;), you can take improv classes, learn some martial arts basics, or do yoga as great ways to improve your everyday power postures.
Tip 4: Destigmatize the Imposter Syndrome – Researchers have found that 70% of people in the U.S. have at one time or another had the feeling that they didn’t really know what they were doing, and it was just a matter of time before someone realized it and exposed them as frauds.
Cabane calls this the “Imposter Syndrome” and she says it affects high performers (those who’ve had success in school and business) the most. This feeling causes stress and cognitive shut-down, which drains power faster than Netflix streaming.
Her description sounds an awful lot like approach anxiety:
“Like a deer in headlights, you freeze, your heart races, your palms get sweaty. You’re desperately trying to remember what you’d planned to say or do, but your mind is blank. Your higher cognitive functions have shut down.”
It’s hard to control anything when you’re feeling that way.
The first step toward overcoming this syndrome, Cabane says, is to destigmatize it. By recognizing it as a common problem (remember 7 out of 10 people have felt this way), the stress can start to lessen and you can start to regain some of your power.
Why and How to Improve Your Warmth
More than power or presence, the interaction mindset of warmth is dominated by micro-expressions in your eyes and voice.
Your body cannot fake warmth, Cabane says, because it emanates from your true feeling of goodwill. Any attempt to manufacture it will show in your eyes or voice.
For many shy guys especially, warmth is a tough one. Lack of self-confidence is a proven freezer.
Cabane’s explanation should resonate with many of you:
“Imagine you’re in a conversation and you say something you consider stupid. If you lack self confidence, your immediate reaction will be, ‘Oh, that was a dumb thing to say,’ as you squint and shake your head slightly. Well, odds are the person you’re speaking with won’t be offended by the remark, but will be by the reaction. They’ll think you’re squinting and shaking your head at them.”
There are countless threats to your ability to radiate warmth, and many of them have nothing to do with the woman you’re with. The bad driver who cut you off on the way to the date, a bad performance review at work, or a fight with your roommates are all examples.
The key point: lack of warmth will show on your face and in your voice and will severely curtail your ability to be charismatic.
You guys even told us so in our Charisma Survey. When answering the question, “When do you feel women least enjoy being around you?” one of the most popular answers was, “When I’m in a bad mood.”
No warmth = No charisma
So how do you overcome this problem? Cabane offers excellent advice.
Tip 5: Practice Cognitive Reframing – Take the driving example: On the way to a date, a car swerves across 4 lanes, cuts you off, makes you spill your coffee, and then drives on the shoulder to an exit. This causes you to nearly die, curse like a sailor, and severely stress out.
You can take all the anger and stress with you to the date, which will result in frowning, head-shaking, and distractions that she will surely notice.
After all, you have no idea why the driver acted so crazy and you’re not likely to find out. Maybe he was on the way to the hospital to witness the birth of his daughter?
By choosing to reframe your cognition, you will resolve the negative emotions that prevent you from displaying warmth.
Tip 6: Pick 3 Things You Approve Of – Here’s the situation:
You’re on a date with a woman you’ve been dying to take out for months, but your work is killing you. Massive projects. Unrealistic deadlines. Clueless co-workers. The works!
Clearly, warmth will be a problem tonight.
To snap out of the bad mood fast, pick 3 things you genuinely approve of about her. It can be about her body, her personality, her jewelry, her education, or anything else.
Focus on them. In your own mind, get specific as to why you like those things. It doesn’t have to take long, nor do you have to vocalize any of these thoughts.
Yet thinking them will help warm your facial features and rid your body of the stress-inducing mindset. More importantly, it will communicate to her — without saying a word — that you’re focused on her and ready for a good time together.
Summary: Concrete Answers to the “How to be More Charismatic” Question
When doing so, it’s important to ask yourself how you can apply her lessons to your dating life because she is focused on the business side of things.
Happily, her core tenant of Charisma = Presence + Power + Warmth applies to both pursuits. With the right support, your charisma can go from “MIA” to “front-and-center.”
For further reading on enhancing and utilizing your newfound charisma, check out…
- Introvert Dating Mindset: Getting Your Headspace Right
- Overcoming Fear of Rejection in 3 Steps
- Free Ebook on Finding Your Uniquely Attractive Vibe
If you’d like to apply all this to your personal situation and develop charisma not only in general but in the specific phases of dating, we can help.