“Why does it take me so long to feel attraction?”
Struggling to figure out if you want to date someone you just met?
We’re going to address together today.
Tell me if this is familiar:
How many times have you gotten to know a woman deeply over time and it ends the same way?
You find out that she figured you were just friends since you took so long to express romantic interest.
If your answer is more than “zero,” this article is for you.
The good news is, you’re definitely not alone.
One of our clients recently asked,
“It takes me a long time getting to know a woman before I know if I’m attracted to her.
“Have you worked with other men before who have a hard time feeling attraction until they get to know a woman really well, and by then they’re friend-zoned?”
Yes, we have!
This is an extremely common challenge among introverted men.
Happily, it’s one we can effectively address!
If it takes you a long time to develop an attraction for a woman, how can you know early on if you want to date her so you can express interest before she moves on?
That’s what we’re going to cover today.
In this post, we’ll work through…
- accepting that some introverted men naturally take longer to feel a connection,
- revealing why this can actually be a good thing, and
- learning to harness the positive effects of your natural tendency while accelerating the attraction process.
Why is it important to express interest early?
When you make your intentions clear to her as early as possible, you eliminate that questionable “gray area” that causes some women to file you away as “just a friend.”
Once your potential date knows where she stands with you, she has the option to take action.
She can respond by…
- reciprocating and showing her interest in you, too, or
- distancing herself and making her boundaries clear if she’s not interested.
This clarity eliminates the guesswork for both of you. And this helps everyone to relax and know where they stand.
On the other hand, taking too long to show interest often backfires.
She may interpret your lack of immediate enthusiasm as a signal that you don’t see her as a romantic interest.
So then what happens?
The natural response to that lack of clarity, for many women, is to decide that the two of you are probably just friends and then move on to find someone who does express interest.
Once that happens, you will be faced with escaping the friend zone if you decide you want to move things forward.
Now, let’s dive in!
First, remember that it’s normal for introverts to take longer to develop a connection.
Introverts, by nature, are more reserved with their feelings than extroverts.
Introverts don’t open up to people quickly, and they don’t expect other people to open up quickly, either.
That means that it will take a while before you feel you truly know a woman and that she truly knows you in return.
Often, there is also an element of inexperience and discomfort with creating a rapport that makes introverted men feel like they need to hold back.
Whether you have a fear of
- appearing overly-eager and scaring her off, or
- leading her on before you decide you are interested in dating her…
Something gets in the way of you showing your interest in a woman early on.
Your reserved nature might feel like a huge hurdle for you to overcome. But remember that who you are is part of your unique appeal!
The fact that you make the effort to develop a true connection is actually a great thing about you, a treasure just under the surface that you can draw out.
You can use these natural strengths to your advantage.
When an introvert forms a bond with someone, that bond tends to be stronger and more enduring than the sometimes fleeting, quick-burn passion of extroverts who dive into the whirlwind right out of the gate.
While people who get attached quickly can often lose that attachment just as quickly, you are more likely to find a lasting connection when you take the time to truly get to know a woman before you let passion sweep you off your feet.
There is, however, a happy medium between the two extremes.
How can you…
- build a lasting rapport,
- take comfort in knowing you share a real connection, and still
- move things along quickly enough to avoid being friend-zoned?
Don’t worry, it can be done!
So, what’s the solution?
Addressing this challenge will require a few steps:
- knowing your own standards for a relationship in advance,
- getting to know her values through targeted conversation, and
- trusting your gut when you get a certain vibe.
Once you practice these steps, you’ll genuinely know if you want to date her much more quickly.
Let’s examine each of these steps in detail.
Knowing your own standards for a relationship in advance will help you decide early on if you want to date someone.
Before you set foot through the door on your first date with a new woman, you need to sort out what you want from a relationship.
The reason it is important to figure out what you want ahead of time is that it can be too easy to mold your desires into whatever your date seems to offer.
For example, if you have a thing for redheads and your date is a gorgeous, fiery ginger, you may end up trying to convince yourself that, yeah, of course you’re totally into her despite the fact that she never wants kids and you’ve spent your whole life dreaming of tiny feet pattering around your home.
Knowing what you want before you walk into a date saves you the time… and heartache… of sussing out your priorities after your brain is already high on dating hormones.
Getting to know her values through targeted conversation shows you whether the two of you are truly compatible.
You’ve taken the time to determine your own values and wishes for a relationship. The next step is to figure out if hers align with yours.
Unless you were blessed with x-ray vision mind-reading abilities, you will have to do this by asking her about her relationship values.
If you’re feeling stuck, try one of these as a conversation starter:
- Does she have a five-year plan for her life?
- What does she think is the best way to resolve conflict in relationships?
- If she suddenly won a small local lottery, would she buy a yacht or invest in her retirement?
Once you have her answers to a few key questions that will illustrate her personality, you can compare her values to your own.
From there, you can start to determine:
Are the two of you are on the same page about important issues?
Asking her about her relationship ideals offers more benefits than just comparing your compatibility, however.
By introducing relationship topics into the conversation, you are signaling to her in a subtle and nonthreatening way that you are considering her as a potential love interest.
Awesomely, you’re already expressing interest, and you didn’t even have to do anything assertive and scary!
You will also show her that you are a cautious, logical guy who wants to approach things with a long-term and practical view.
This will appeal to women who want the same reliability and stability in a relationship.
Her answers will likely give you some insight into how she is feeling about you, as well.
Gauge her level of interest by noticing whether she…
- seems quick to point out that the two of you agree on key points, or
- seems like she doesn’t care one way or the other if your values align.
This will show you how interested she may be in you.
Trust your gut when you get a certain vibe. If you want to date her, you’ll know sooner than you think.
Even if you don’t realize it consciously, your brain picks up on subtle cues from conversations and body language whenever you interact with someone.
Your brain processes this information under the surface and produces a “gut feeling” or a “vibe” that makes you feel a certain way about that person, even if you’re not sure why.
Trust your intuition.
These gut feelings evolved to help you navigate unfamiliar situations.
You may end a date feeling like there is real potential to develop a connection with this woman. Or, you may have an unsettled feeling like perhaps this isn’t a great match for some reason.
Even if you can’t logically break it down in your mind…
Remember, your instincts are guiding you.
Once you have a good idea of her values and whether they align with yours, and you understand your gut feeling about which direction you should follow, prepare yourself to take the leap.
Instead of waiting to see how things develop in time, trust yourself right now.
Decide whether you would rather express interest in moving things forward toward a relationship (remember, you’re not deciding marriage! Just whether you’d like another date), or whether it’s not a great match and you would rather end things now.
Taking that leap saves you days, weeks, or even months stagnating in that gray area of unspoken, “What are we?” questions that all lead to the same place: the friend zone.
Conclusion on how to know if you want to date a woman even when you take a long time to get to know her.
Now you understand more about how to tell early on if you want to date someone and how to show that.
You also know that not only is it normal for introverted men to take a while to feel a connection, it can be a good thing.
With a few strategies to speed up the process and avoid the friend zone, you’ll actually be ahead of the pack when it comes to building a strong bond that lasts.
So, let’s recap.
In this post, we talked about…
- realizing that introverts seek a deeper connection, which takes time,
- using this natural tendency as a foundation for building a strong, enduring relationship, and
- achieving the best of all scenarios by comparing your values, trusting your gut, and speeding up the process to avoid the friend zone.
For more help improving in these areas, consider our “Launch Your Dating Life” program. In this program, we give you custom, one-on-one dating advice tailored to your specific situation.
Is it your turn to go from feeling timid and shy around women to actually having them approach you from across the room?
If that sounds great to you, apply here for a private phone call where we can decide how best to support you!
Also, definitely don’t forget to download our free ebook, “Why PUA Doesn’t Work for Introverts & What Works Instead” for more tips on how to express interest in a woman and maximize your chances of her responding positively.