“Why do I feel like introvert dating is such a unique experience?”
Let me paint you a picture for a second:
You’re an introverted man who wants to find a girlfriend and start a happy, healthy, long-term relationship.
You look up dating advice online and follow the instructions laid out on numerous websites.
You make an attempt to smile warmly at women you see out and about.
Maybe you’ve even installed OKCupid or Hinge, made a profile, and started chatting with a few people.
With the best of intentions, you’ve tried to do everything right.
So why does it still feel like some key piece of the puzzle is missing?
Rest assured, you’re not alone.
Today’s post will cover why introverts often feel different while dating.
Happily, by…
- understanding the different dating dynamics of introvert and extrovert relationships,
- recognizing the strengths and weaknesses of each relationship dynamic, and
- pursuing a healthy middle ground
…you can regain your bearings and begin to navigate the dating scene more effectively.
What do we mean by extrovert and introvert dating dynamics?
You likely already know that introverts and extroverts relate to other people in different ways. Extroverts seem to enjoy boundless energy when socializing with other people, while introverts typically need some time alone to recharge after the same interactions.
The thing is, there are a lot more strong extroverts than strong introverts in the world. A 3,000 person study found that only 5% of people identified as “highly introverted” on a 1 to 5 scale. That’s compared to 12% who consider themselves highly extroverted and 41% who fall right in the middle.
Therefore when you hear about a typical relationship, chances are, the comparison you are drawing is to a typical extrovert relationship.
That could very well be the reason that other people’s opinions and advice never quite seem to fit with your personal situation. They’re talking about the dating world as they see it, and most others will seem to agree.
The few extreme introverts are left scratching their heads as to why nothing makes sense.
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Now, let’s jump in.
What is it like for an extrovert dating other extroverts?
When people talk about relationships, this is often the perspective they’re coming from. As an introvert reading this, think about whether any of the following has been the reason you might feel a little disconnected from the process.
The early dating phase:
Single extroverts who want to meet people and go on dates frequently do some or all of the following:
- Approach and talk to many people at work or in daily life
- Have several conversations going on at once on dating apps
- May have a few different dating apps installed and active simultaneously
- Go on dates with multiple people without exclusivity in the early stages before choosing a person to explore more deeply
- Put an emphasis on “going out” to parties, clubs, concerts, and similar venues
Some people who aren’t in a hurry to settle down may even prefer to stay indefinitely in this casual dating phase. Extroverts who genuinely enjoy the social aspect of meeting tons of new people and going dancing every weekend may thrive even if none of these connections ever goes deeper.
Extroverts who do want to settle down are still likely to enjoy the actual process of dating more than their fellow introverts. They know that they can go out, have fun, and eventually click with someone.
In long-term relationships:
Extrovert couples often maintain the pace of social activities after they become exclusive. They may host or attend events regularly, enjoy going to parties, and see friends together or separately.
That’s why conventional advice tends to remind couples to spend quality alone time and not lose sight of each other in the hustle of daily life.
Which, to introverts, almost always sounds like a foreign concept.
What is it like for an introvert dating other introverts?
As you might imagine, an introvert dating other introverts can feel almost exactly the opposite of the above.
The early dating phase:
Single introverts trying to find their match often tend to…
- join a dating site right away, hoping to avoid reaching out to others in real life,
- have one or just a handful of conversations going on at once on that dating site,
- steer those conversations toward “deep” or personal topics (hopes and dreams, five-year plan, or even life philosophy) much more quickly than an extrovert might,
- experience “dating fatigue” or “dating site overwhelm” and feel the need to disable or delete dating apps from time to time (Chances are, if you ask your extroverted friends if they ever need to delete their dating apps just to take a break for a while, they’ll wonder what the heck you’re talking about), and
- quickly develop an attachment to one person because those deep conversations build intimacy.
In contrast with many extroverts, who can thrive in a bustling dating scene, introverts who want a long-term relationship often face the early dating phase with a sense of hesitation.
They often want to get in, find someone compatible for a relationship, and get out of the dating scene as quickly as possible. The temptation is to skip the uncomfortable dating stage and move right into committed relationship territory.
Introverts who don’t want to settle down right away may be happiest when immersed in their own hobbies and independent lives, choosing to date casually whenever the mood strikes. You’re unlikely to see a “highly introverted” person actively playing the field.
In long-term relationships:
Introvert couples often enjoy plenty of quiet time, both together and separately. The usual “make time for each other” dating advice doesn’t make much sense.
In fact, couples where both partners would rank themselves as “highly introverted” may need to make the effort to get out of the house more often.
Scheduling regular date nights out can help keep the romance alive over the long-term, even if you have to push each other to turn off Netflix and put on a fancy outfit.
When you put all of that together, it’s no wonder introverts often feel “different” when they compare themselves to others!
What is it like for an introvert dating extroverts?
When dating styles don’t match up, it can be challenging.
And if you’re an introvert making an effort to connect with potential matches, it’s likely that the majority of the people you talk to will fall toward the extroverted end of the spectrum.
The early dating phase:
You may find yourselves feeling like you’re not on the same page when it comes to things like…
- how frequently you both want to call or text each other,
- when, if, or how to have deep “relationship” conversations, or
- if you should go out or stay in for a date night.
When you consider that there are likely many more extroverts than introverts in any given dating pool, you can imagine why this mismatch might make introverts feel “different” from their peers.
It can start to feel like everyone else moves at a different pace, wants to talk about different subjects, is comfortable going to different places and choosing different activities than you normally would prefer.
In long-term relationships:
Here’s the good news:
While those mismatched preferences may cause some friction in the beginning, you can certainly have a beautiful relationship over the long haul if you both commit to meeting each other in the middle.
Healthy compromises can push you both to expand your horizons and try things you wouldn’t have otherwise tried.
Extrovert/introvert dating relationships have a wonderful way of bringing out the best in both of you, as long as you both continually work to maintain your compromises.
She can keep you from becoming a hermit homebody, while you can remind her sometimes to return to a place of solitude and center herself. Hardly anyone has that balance perfect from the beginning, so the trick is to learn and grow!
After a couple of years together ironing out the wrinkles, you may both agree that it sounds great to go out dancing Friday night, as long as you can spend Saturday lounging by the pool and spending some quality time together.
Yes, it will still feel different. But in a good way!
Conclusion on why introverts often feel “different” when dating:
To sum up this post in a few words…
You feel different from most other people because you are different from most other people! It’s just statistics.
The trick is to…
- understand what those differences are and how you can moderate them,
- empathize with the women you date and understand that extroverts may have a completely foreign perspective from yours, and
- work to find a healthy balance with your eventual long-term partner, whether she’s an introvert or an extrovert!
Remember, it’s certainly okay to be different. Feeling different is okay, too! Tap into your unique qualities and find out what makes your unique differences so attractive. Download our free ebook, “Why PUA Doesn’t Work for Introverts & What Works Instead” for more on how to do this. :)
Or, if you’d like some help sorting out your unique differences and how they can actually *help* your dating life, apply here for a phone call with us. We can talk about your situation and figure out whether our personalized Launch Your Dating Life program would be a good fit for you!
