“I’m an introverted guy interested in learning how to flirt more effectively. Where do I start?”
“I have no idea how to flirt. I’m just uneasy being so forward.”
“I don’t want to seem too interested or not interested enough. What’s a happy balance?”
“I’m not comfortable flirting with women. How do I show them I’m interested?”
So many introverted guys feel this way; flirting can seem completely out of reach, unnatural and exclusively reserved for extroverts.
The “extroverted” style of flirting, such as using overt comments or obvious lingering looks, contrasts sharply with the way introverts prefer to make connections.
The fact that this style of flirting seems so commonplace can make quiet and shy guys apprehensive to even attempt flirting.
What do you do if you want to learn how to flirt naturally and you’re not sure where to start?
That’s what we’ll be discussing today.
We’ll talk about…
- flirting in a way that most introverts find comfortable (and effective!),
- keeping conversations deep to encourage the real, meaningful connections you want, and then
- elevating that emotional connection to a physical one using “tried and true” proximity and touch.
First, however, let’s step back and see why you might be interested in learning how to flirt in the first place.
Why do many introverted guys feel like they need to learn how to flirt?
To a natural extrovert, the concept of learning how to flirt might seem foreign. If you like a woman, just show her or tell her! Right?
But to introverts, flirting can be something that often does not come naturally at all.
How are you supposed to open up and show a woman you want to date her when you are just getting to know her? It can feel safer to keep those desires on the inside where they can’t be rejected.
That’s where learning how to flirt like an introvert becomes valuable.
Rather than keeping your feelings in the shadows (where they can’t hurt you, but they also can’t help you attract a woman who would reciprocate them), you can express them in a way that encourages a real relationship to develop with the right person.
How awesome is that?
Now, let’s get started.
Step 1: Keep it meaningful and sincere.
Believe it or not, experts have studied the concept of flirting styles. They determined that introverts who used a sincere style of flirting had the best outcomes when it came to finding serious relationships.
The other flirting styles include physical, traditional, polite, and playful.
As you might guess, the physical style of flirting led mostly to physical relationships based on sexual chemistry, while the playful style often came naturally to people who mostly wanted to keep things casual.
Thoughtful introverted men who want real relationships can spark a true connection with women who want the same thing. But they’re probably not going to get there with the physical/sexual or playful/casual styles of flirting.
If sincerity and meaning is what you want out of a relationship, then that’s the best way to approach your flirting style!
So there you have it. There’s no need to force yourself to fit into foreign “boxes” that you may think of when you picture someone flirting.
Doing so not only feels unnatural but can actually hinder you when it comes to finding what you truly desire, which is sparking a genuine connection!
What are some good ways to flirt with sincerity and depth?
The good news is that the following tips will probably come to you naturally. After all, if you’re sincerely interested in your date, you’re probably going to…
- ask her meaningful questions,
- give her your full attention,
- show interest in what she has to say,
- pay close attention to her social cues,
- express who you truly are and how you truly feel,
- share some deeper, more vulnerable parts of yourself, and
- make her feel comfortable doing the same.
While those probably don’t sound anything like what you’re used to when it comes to “flirting tips,” trust us:
If you do all of those things with sincerity, she will understand that you are interested. And if she feels the same way, she will likely reciprocate by doing those things too.
Step 2: Skip the small talk.
As an introvert, you’ve probably watched a lot of extroverts (successfully!) use small talk to flirt with others. It looks like a very effective method.
So why is this approach not your best bet? Surely you can feign interest in small talk for long enough to make a connection, right?
But here’s the thing.
Introverts, for the most part, feel really uncomfortable engaging in small talk.
There are only so many minutes you can pretend to be interested in the weather, sports teams, and your date’s weekend plans. After that point, you will start to feel bored. And that boredom shows.
“Yes,” you may argue, “but I have had X number of years practicing my small talk skills at work. I can handle this.”
Perhaps that’s true. You might very well have mastered the art of small talk.
Even if you’re good at it, however, think for a second. As an introvert, will it make you happy to do things that way?
Or would you rather jump right in to talking about what is truly important to you and have a meaningful, deep conversation?
When you long for deep connections, why would you purposefully initiate a shallow one?
Introverts thrive in meaningful one-on-one conversations.
To make the kind of connection you want to make (with a woman who also wants to make that kind of connection!), dive in deep.
You won’t learn her hopes and dreams by talking about how unexpectedly chilly it was last weekend.
Of course, don’t open by asking personal questions.
In fact, it’s often helpful to volunteer some information of your own to get the ball rolling.
That way, it won’t feel like you’re suddenly asking probing, intrusive questions out of nowhere.
But if you share something meaningful about yourself and she…
- acts interested,
- asks questions, or
- volunteers a story of her own,
… you’ve already made progress toward getting to know each other on a deeper level.
Step 3: Use proximity and touch to build chemistry.
Wait a second.
Didn’t we just say in Step 1 to avoid the sexual, touchy feely type of flirting if you want a real relationship?
While you don’t want to start the flirting off by standing very close and touching your date, it can definitely be a good move to do this once you feel the emotional connection starting to develop.
If everything else has gone well and you’re sensing chemistry between you, you’re in the clear to start moving a little closer.
Once you and your date are having great conversations and bonding emotionally (even/especially if it’s still in the early stages!), now can be the perfect time to lean in and brush her arm with yours.
The idea is to get closer physically only once you’re feeling connected through conversation.
Many relationships stumble when the opposite happens and the physical connection is made before the emotional one, which can actually stop a deeper emotional connection from taking hold because the physical chemistry has taken over.
Elevating your connection and building chemistry with proximity and touch helps show that you’re interested in being more than friends, which is critical to keep things moving!
And once you’re in the friend zone, it can be hard (but possible, if you follow these tips) to get out.
Here are some low-key, introvert-friendly examples of proximity and touch:
- Let your hand brush against hers as you’re walking side by side. You don’t have to hold hands (yet!), but the incidental contact will make her think about holding your hand.
Not only that, but walking close enough to her that your hands touch naturally can be a good way to use the “proximity” method.
- Lean in just a little as you’re talking with her. If you normally sit or stand a certain comfortable distance away from someone when you’re talking, close that distance by a few subtle inches.
Ever-so-slightly coming into her personal bubble zone will make her think about whether she’s comfortable having you close by. If so, she’ll likely give you clues. She may…
- lean in a little as well, mimicking your posture,
- smile and blush, or
- any number of other subtle signs she’s enjoying having you close to her.
Just be aware that if she leans away or looks uncomfortable, that’s a sign to give her generous space!
- After you open a door for her, you can guide her through it by gently placing your hand on her back as she walks ahead of you. Keep it low-key by only leaving your hand on her back for a couple of seconds, just a brief touch.
Here as well, her response will show you how she feels about you touching her (either relaxed and welcoming or tense and withdrawing).
Conclusion on how to flirt as an introverted man:
Now you understand how flirting as an introvert may differ from flirting as an extrovert.
Hopefully you’re feeling optimistic that your natural, quiet ways of flirting are actually beneficial when it comes to building real connections with women.
So let’s recap today’s post.
We talked about…
- using a “sincere” flirting style as a way to attract women who want a meaningful relationship,
- skipping past the small talk in favor of diving right into the good stuff (which will intrigue like-minded women who want the same thing), and
- escalating your existing emotional connection into a physical one using the chemistry-building principles of proximity and touch.
If you’re just getting started with learning how to flirt, definitely download our free ebook, “Why PUA Doesn’t Work for Introverts & What Works Instead.” You’ll find tons of great tips for boosting your flirting and other dating skills.
Becoming your most confident self so that you can flirt sincerely and with ease as an introvert takes time and practice. Give yourself a boost by joining our Become a Benevolent Badass program, where we help you reach your very best in all facets of life!