“As an introvert without much dating experience, how can I get started?”
Google any advice on dating for introverted guys, and you may find advice that feels less than helpful:
“Embrace your best qualities!”
“Date other introverts!”
… Without clear and specific directives, you’re probably just as confused as before you typed in your search.
What you need to know is how you actually do those things. What are the clear, concrete, actionable steps you can take from point A to point B (where point B is a successful dating life)?
Happily, we’ll be filling in those blanks today!
We’ll talk about the steps of dating for introverted guys, including…
- using online dating,
- practicing your conversational skills, and
- maximizing your comfort level on dates.
Before we jump into the list, let’s step back for a moment.
Why might you want advice specifically on dating for introverted guys?
Dating can be challenging (and fun!) for everyone.
It’s also a very individual experience that changes based on your personality, the personalities of the women you meet, and the circumstances surrounding your relationships.
If you want to cut through the advice that won’t work for you or that simply doesn’t apply in your situation, you’ll want to look for content catered toward men who are similar to you!
Which is why we’ve made (with love!) this list of steps toward a happy experience with dating for introverted guys.
Okay, now let’s get started with step one!
1. Make a dating site profile.
Don’t get too hung up on which dating site you choose. You can always switch sites or make multiple profiles across a few platforms.
The point is, you want to take advantage of online dating as one of the most useful tools in your toolbox.
Dating for introverted guys has become so much more accessible since the advent of dating websites and apps.
You can search for optimal matches with specific criteria, practice your conversational skills with texts, phone calls, FaceTime and Skype sessions, and make even more connections than you would in the offline world.
Once you sign up, you’ve already taken a huge step toward your future dating success.
2. Represent yourself honestly.
It can be tempting to make a profile that is likely to catch the interest of the greatest number of women. If you approach dating as a “numbers game,” that would indeed be the right strategy.
However, dating is not a numbers game. This is a relief, actually! You’d have a really hard time if you tried to date every woman in the country and then pick the best match for you. (!)
Instead, what you want to do is narrow down the dating pool rather than make it wider.
Put your true self out there and be honest about your lifestyle, your interests, and your values.
That way, when a woman sees your profile and is interested in you, you’ll know she’s interested in the real you, not some persona you put online to make yourself look amazing.
Though narrowing down your prospects instead of trying to maximize them probably feels contrary to your instincts, it will actually help you find a true connection much more easily.
Your honesty right off the bat will help you attract the right woman who loves the sound of your lifestyle and wants to join you!
3. Take the initiative.
Once you find a woman you’d like to talk to, you can take initiative in a number of ways based on your comfort level. You might want to start with…
- sending the first message,
- asking her questions,
- requesting her phone number, or
- suggesting a date!
For shy men, this step will likely take some practice.
Ideally, you can start this practice online, because dating apps make it easy to be a little bolder than you would in real life.
Getting used to doing this will boost your confidence so much and make in-person dates more comfortable. Plus, it can be very attractive when a man is bold and unafraid to take the initiative in dating!
4. Choose the date activity carefully.
If the thought of staring at your date across a table and attempting to keep up a steady flow of conversation makes you nervous, don’t worry.
The best way to approach dating for introverted guys is to alleviate these normal anxieties before they even get started.
You can do this by choosing a different, unconventional kind of date setting.
- mini golf,
- walking around a fair or festival or museum, or
- taking a scenic stroll together outside
… make excellent first dates because you can periodically turn your attention to whatever it is you’re doing if there is ever an uncomfortable lull in the conversation.
Plus, they’re just plain fun!
5. Remember that it’s still a date!
Though it can be tempting to curl up in a movie theater or flex your adventure skills with a whitewater rafting trip, activities like these don’t lend themselves well to first dates.
If you choose an activity where you won’t be able to talk to each other very much, you’ll by default have a more difficult time building a connection with your date.
While you may have a great time, it’s unlikely you’ll get to know each other very well without being able to talk freely.
Stick to date activities where you can focus on the activity and your conversation, based on whatever feels natural in the moment!
6. Plan an end time.
There’s another reason why mini golf and bowling can be great first date choices: they have a built-in ending, where you can either choose to part ways or stay for another round.
As an introvert, you might not relish the idea of going on an open-ended date for an unknown amount of time. If you start feeling like you’d rather be at home, how do you make a graceful departure?
Again, the best way to soothe this anxiety is to fix it before it starts and make sure your date has a natural end point.
Avoid dishonesty, though. Even if you think it’s more tactful to say, “I’m meeting a friend later, so I only have an hour. Want to get a quick coffee?” that maneuver is actually fairly transparent for anyone dating actively.
The good news is, it’s transparent because it’s common, and it’s common because a ton of people (both men and women) feel that pressure to have an end time in mind.
Therefore, if you’re honest and clear and say something like “Want to meet for an hour and grab some coffee?” without offering excuses, your honesty will more than likely be recognized and appreciated.
For all you know, your date will feel relieved that she, too, can have that end time in mind.
7. Keep the end time flexible if you can.
Though the built-in end point can soothe your pre-date jitters, you of course want to hit it off and have a wonderful time for hours!
If you really enjoy each other’s company, the last thing you’re going to want to do is break off that amazing flow to go meet a friend just because you wanted to have a reason to leave after an hour.
Even if you’ve planned that end point, make sure you can stay longer if you both want to.
It’s super easy to finish up a game of bowling and say “I’m having a great time with you. Want to grab some food?”
You’ll know she feels the same way when she enthusiastically agrees. ;)
8. Rinse and repeat as necessary.
So many people (especially introverts) might feel bogged down when not every date goes wonderfully well. You may be thinking…
“You mean I have to start all over and do this again??”
Happily, solving this problem is a simple matter of shifting your perspective to one of optimism and excitement.
Think of every message you send and every date you go on as valuable experience that will pave the way for future success.
If it helps, visualize an “experience bar” filling up a little bit more every time you send the first message, have a text/phone/video conversation, ask a woman out, and go on a date.
In time, you’ll have leveled up so much that you can look back at where you started and notice how much progress you have made!
Better yet, at some point in your journey, that experience and practice will lead to you finding a relationship.
All you have to do is keep going skillfully until you find it.
Conclusion on how dating for introverted guys can be simplified and made fun in 8 actionable steps:
If you’re starting to think this whole dating thing is something you can handle, that’s awesome! Because it absolutely is.
Here are the eight steps toward a successful experience with dating for introverted guys that we covered today:
- Make a dating site profile,
- Represent yourself honestly,
- Take the initiative,
- Choose the date activity carefully,
- Remember that it’s a date and you will want to talk freely,
- Plan an end time,
- Keep that end time flexible, and
- Repeat these steps as necessary.
If you need an extra boost to your confidence or your overall dating skills, download our free ebook, “Why PUA Doesn’t Work for Introverts & What Works Instead.”
Perhaps you found this post because you were searching for advice on a specific situation. While these steps are great in general, they might not be applicable to what’s going on in your life currently.
If you need help with a particular issue, consider joining our personalized, customized Launch Your Dating Life program. You can apply here for a one-on-one phone call with us, and together we can see if the program is right for you.