What are your dating standards? Do they reflect your real needs as an introverted man?
Clear and balanced standards for dating and relationships are so important. They are a recipe for a happy, healthy relationship for introverted men.
In this post, I’ll share with you eight dating and relationship standards specific to introverted men. They can apply to men and women, though, introverted or not!
Just know that I write with the introverted man in mind. That is who I’ve devoted Introverted Alpha to and who I’ve gotten to know so deeply as a result!
With each of the eight dating and relationship standards you’re about to learn (yay!), you’ll also get to know…
- The special qualities of introverted men in order to even have that need/standard.
- What qualities they need in a woman in order for it to be a great fit.
- How to tell if a woman is already / is going to meet that standard or not.
- How to uphold that standard, even when it’s tough.
Some of these standards below are needs in general, and some are needs with a woman.
They fold together to represent your overall standards, because if you’re with a woman who is a great match for you as you are right now, but you don’t LIKE how you are… what good does that do?
In fact, it can keep you stuck because then you wouldn’t merely have the existing inertia against making positive changes period. You would also be invested in keeping a relationship going that reinforces that inertia.
So let’s steer clear of that altogether by examining the standards that are all yours to bring to life.
1. Need to have time and space alone to reflect and/or solo hobbies
Your Unique Quality that Shapes Your Standard: As an introverted man, you have a very rich inner world. This is nourished by enjoying time alone, totally uninterrupted and free.
You might spend this time with a combination of personal reflection and solo hobbies. Perhaps you love outdoor adventures or video game extravaganzas. Maybe you love tinkering around with tools and building things, or deep research into a topic that interests you.
Whatever you love, it’s important that you spend time doing those things alone to recharge and reconnect with yourself.
The 1st of Your Dating and Relationship Standards: This need of yours means that any woman close in your life would be a woman who respects your need for alone time. This is especially true when you are in a romantic relationship. Time to oneself is a need that everyone has in relationship. It’s important to remain two distinct people who have overlaps in life but who still have their own independent time. Being an introvert means you have an even deeper need for that, so it’s even more important for you in relationship.
How to Tell If She Meets This Particular Standard: Does she have her own world, hobbies, and girlfriends as you get to know her when dating initially? AND , just as importantly, does she maintain that as you date her over time? Or is she overly eager to “drop her life” and merge with yours? If she has and maintains her own life, that is a wonderful sign that you’ll have all the space you need without upsetting her. You’ll get to be yourself and also make her happy.
How to Uphold The 1st of Your Dating and Relationship Standards: Protect your private time early on, and maintain that as a firm need that you have now and that you will always have. If the topic of alone time comes up or if you’d like to talk about it with her, great! Let her know that you love it when she has her own things that she enjoys doing because you have and will always have yours.
Then as chemistry and comfort develops over time, still protect your private time. Remember to do this even if you want to be spending every waking moment with her. The more you enjoy your solo time, the more energy you’ll have for her! So everyone wins in the end, even if you feel guilty drawing that boundary. To protect against that guilt, just remember that this is a REAL NEED you have. It’s just like eating food and getting enough sleep.
Everyone has the need for a bit of alone time, whether they realize it or not, but you have an especially distinct need for it as an introvert. That’s totally okay, and it gives her the freedom to enjoy hers too. And if she doesn’t want to be alone as much as you do, that’s okay too! She can spend that time with friends of hers.
2. Need to enjoy intellectually stimulating conversations
Your Unique Quality that Shapes Your Standard: One thing you need in a date or in a relationship is stimulating conversations. That back-and-forth is necessary for you to fully enjoy the relationship. Reason being, of your three areas (heart, mind, body), you connect most with your mind. That is your primary way of connecting if you are a cerebral guy.
The 2nd of Your Dating and Relationship Standards: Because of this, you need a woman who is intelligent and educated enough to engage with you in this way.
How to Tell If She Meets This Particular Standard: If she can talk with you about interesting and/or important matters and contribute new ideas while considering yours, that is a huge win! If she brings in new areas of interest for you to learn and discuss, even better.
How to Uphold The 2nd of Your Dating and Relationship Standards: Once you find someone who naturally stimulates you on an intellectual level, this is not hard to uphold! Interesting, eye-opening conversations will naturally fill your time together. Just be sure to keep opening yourself to interesting perspectives and experiences. This way, you will have fresh fodder for yourself and for your relationship.
3. Need to connect with your heart and relax in peace
Your Unique Quality that Shapes Your Standard: As an intellectual man, it’s important for you to be able to relax in your heart, especially around someone you love.
If you feel disconnected, then you won’t have the intimate sense of companionship you crave. If you feel smothered, then you won’t feel safe and free. So that sense of peace in your heart is so important for happiness and balance in relationship.
The 3rd of Your Dating and Relationship Standards: To connect with someone heart-to-heart as a thinking-oriented person, it’s helpful if the woman you attract is very comfortable in her heart.
How to Tell If She Meets This Particular Standard: If she communicates her emotions with ease and grace when y’all are together (“I feel so fulfilled by what I do… My niece is adorable, and it makes me feel so free when we play together…”), that is a great sign that she is in touch with her heart and also positive when she is sharing her positive emotions.
If she’s sharing about all the things she hates, that is not good! She is not connected to her heart in a peaceful way if she’s doing that early on in dating. The same is true if she keeps bringing heavy topics into conversations. You want someone who has achieved balance in her heart.
How to Uphold The 3rd of Your Dating and Relationship Standards: This is a huge area to explore! More than I can reasonably cover in this post. If I write one on this later on, I’ll link to it here. For now, I’ll say start getting more familiar with your own heart. You can do that by asking yourself how you’re feeling during your day-to-day. Then just listen with compassion, without necessarily trying to fix or change anything.
This is how you will become more intimate with your own heart, and it will give you a head start when meeting a woman. Does she relax your heart, which you’ve been getting to know more, or does she not? Then as the relationship progresses, it of course becomes more complex, but this is a good thing to start with.
4. Need to feel alive and energized in your body
Your Unique Quality that Shapes Your Standard: This ties in with the last point about being connected in your heart. You have three main parts to you: heart, mind, body. (These exclude soul and spirit which are more complex, and which are very connected to your heart, mind, and body.)
Being a cerebral guy, you may be more in your mind than in your heart and body. And yet, all three are important for a truly fulfilled and thriving life and romantic life. Connecting with your body adds to your overall happiness tremendously!
The 4th of Your Dating and Relationship Standards: This is important for your wellbeing, and you may not necessarily connect with your body first and foremost. That’s why, if a woman is connected with her body, that can really help you along. You’ll want to actively develop this part of yourself on your own (more on this in the “upholding” section two paragraphs down). Still, it certainly is nice if she is bringing that into your life in her own way!
How to Tell If She Meets This Particular Standard: If she generously shares her delight through her senses and being present in the moment when she is with you, that’s wonderful! If you sense sincerity and passion or lightness in her (“Oh, these potatoes are delicious… The atmosphere here is so warm and cozy…”), that is a very good sign. It means she is comfortable with herself in her body! Her enthusiasm can refresh you and help you connect with this aspect of life more yourself.
How to Uphold The 4th of Your Dating and Relationship Standards: The more of this you can bring into your life now, the better. Great ways to feel energized and alive in your body are incorporating enjoyable exercise into your day-to-day.
If you’re already doing that, then you can take extra time to enjoy the moment. You can savor how it feels getting ready beforehand, sweating it out during, and feeling that awesome tiredness afterwards. This will develop your sensuality and your relationship with your body.
You can also take extra time to soak in other physical joys like delicious, nourishing food and the warmth of the sunshine or the way light plays on leaves. There is always something to enjoy! Doing so only develops your happiness and attractiveness.
5. Need to surround yourself with loving, positive community
Your Unique Quality that Shapes Your Standard: Because of your introspective nature, you need to devote extra focus to having people in your life who you love and who love you.
Reason being, this is a core human need, and so having that will deepen your happiness. It will relieve pressure on a relationship, so that you’re not bringing every single social need to have to one woman. If you were to do that, it would feel overwhelming and would be impossible for anyone to deliver on sustainably over time.
The 5th of Your Dating and Relationship Standards: If a woman already has a community in her life, that is wonderful. Then each of you will have that strong support network to lean back on. Then you can enjoy each other, rather than depend on each other for all social needs.
How to Tell If She Meets This Particular Standard: How available is she to you? If she’s less available because she’s out with friends, that is a good sign even if you might not like it in the moment. But if you are already engaging in your own community, then it will be flowing and natural.
You’ll be spending more time alone, of course, than you would be if you were super extroverted, regardless. Still, having friends and community to enjoy helps you feel balanced. Then you can appreciate your alone time all the more.
How to Uphold The 5th of Your Dating and Relationship Standards: Over time, take special care to keep those community relationships going, spending time with them together and on your own.
Your need for social support outside of only her will always be there, whether it’s immediately apparent to you or not. So trusting that and building community time into your life, just as you do fitness time or hobby time, is a wise and wonderful thing to do for yourself and for your relationship.
6. Need to be sexually attracted to your partner
Your Unique Quality that Shapes Your Standard: As a man, you have certain preferences and physical shapes and qualities in a woman that you feel attracted to more than others.
A lot of guys tell me they feel guilty about this, but it is NOTHING to feel guilty about whatsoever. This is a part of being a human, and every single human has preferences!
The 6th of Your Dating and Relationship Standards: If you’re feeling attracted, then awesome! And if you’re not, then you’re just not. Pay attention to your body and your heart and how they’re responding to her. No apologies needed, just paying attention.
How to Tell If She Meets This Particular Standard: I like to use the analogy of ice-cream. Imagine you’re walking into an ice-cream shop and deciding which flavor you like. If you choose mint chocolate chip, it doesn’t mean that you objectively think all other flavors are bad! It just means that you like what you like. Same thing in dating, from BOTH sides. Both you and any woman you date will be feeling out if you’re each other’s “flavor”… a healthy, natural process.
How to Uphold The 6th of Your Dating and Relationship Standards: Remember, attraction is very personal, and whether you are or are not attracted, you’re not about making any statement about her objectively, so there’s nothing to feel guilty about. It’s just about your “flavor” preference and if you like her flavor.
7. Need to pursue and enjoy the way of life that you desire
Your Unique Quality that Shapes Your Standard: As an introverted and introspective man, you are likely to lead your life with purpose and conviction. If you’re not already, it is likely a desire for you to do so.
What kind of lifestyle do you want? Do you want to travel all the time, or do you want to raise a family, or both? What kind of life do you want to lead over the years, and what seasons do you see for yourself?
The 7th of Your Dating and Relationship Standards: Your relationship standard is to only move forward into exclusivity and relationship with women who share at least an overlapping lifestyle and life vision.
How to Tell If She Meets This Particular Standard: As you talk and get to know each other over your dates, let the topic of your futures naturally come up. Then as it does, feel into how much you have in common here, and if there are any big dissonances.
How to Uphold The 7th of Your Dating and Relationship Standards: The more in touch you are with your preferences and deepest desires, the better. That makes it easier to tell if this is a fit or not, rather than having to feel around in the dark and then just going along with whatever she wants.
If you know what you want in advance through personal reflection and conversations with people you trust and admire, awesome! It’s worth it because you will be that much further ahead when it comes to seeing if a woman meets your relationship standards.
8. Need to match on deeply held values and beliefs, ways of seeing the world
Your Unique Quality that Shapes Your Standard: In addition to lifestyle, your values and beliefs are also very important standards to match.
Being an introspective guy means that you have likely thought a lot about the world and yourself in it. So it’s important that a woman’s perspectives are harmonious with your own.
The 8th of Your Dating and Relationship Standards: If you’re religious, is she as well? If you are very family-oriented, is she too? Religion, spirituality, family, politics, education, social standing, finances, culture, background… These shape you as a person. So the more these fit together beautifully in you with someone else, the more peaceful and uplifting the relationship will be.
How to Tell If She Meets This Particular Standard: Once you’ve noted what is particularly important to you and what shapes you most as a person, that’s helpful! At that point, you have discovered more of your values and general world view. Then in conversation with a woman, see if she mirrors those same perspectives. You can tell by what she says and the way she talks about the world / people in general.
How to Uphold The 8th of Your Dating and Relationship Standards: The more closely matched you are with someone, the more harmonious you two will be. This is true in things like education and finance and spiritual/religious practices and other key elements to worldview. So if you want to be with someone you admire in one or more of these ways, you can. Just make sure that you yourself are crushing it too!
In Conclusion, Your Dating and Relationship Standards:
Which of the above 8 standards do you feel most liberated and inspired by as you consider them? What struck you as something to improve in your own life, either mindset-wise or lifestyle-wise?
You can review my post on Susan Cain’s Quiet Revolution site on how to communicate your relationship preferences as an introvert.
I’ve written a follow-up post here on how to know if your standards are too high. Feel free to check that out, and also make sure you’ve downloaded my ebook if you haven’t already as well as peruse the site for more nuggets.
If you are wanting to build a strong foundation of confidence and dating skills to attract a quality match for yourself, you are welcome to check out our 12-week program, Launch Your Dating Life.