“How can I flirt with a woman without worrying that she thinks I’m a creep?”
Have you ever stopped yourself from approaching a woman because you’re concerned you’d make the wrong impression?
Not to worry! You are definitely not alone.
Many men, including introverted men, often shy away from approaching women unless they feel 100% certain their interest will be reciprocated.
They fear their attempts to start a conversation could come across as unwelcome, or worse, threatening (!).
How is a modern man supposed to navigate these waters and confidently show interest in a woman, striking the perfect balance of “alluring” and “flirtatious” without crossing any unspoken boundaries? How does one figure out how to flirt without being creepy?
Put more simply, if you’ve ever found yourself worrying…
“What if she thinks I’m creepy?!”
… today’s post is for you. We’re going to break the issue down into halves and then toss in some extra tips for good measure.
We’ll cover…
- how to flirt (the best ways to show interest in a woman),
- … without being creepy (how to make sure she’s on board with your conversation), and
- other ways to improve your chances of flirting success.
Buckle up and don your safety equipment, because this is a crash course.
But first…
Why is it so important to strike a happy balance when flirting?
Flirting is a give-and-take.
Or at least, successful flirting that leads to continued interactions and perhaps a relationship is based on equal interest and participation. Balance is key in order for two people to mutually agree that they’re interested in one another.
When flirting is one-sided, it’s not likely the interaction will end the way you want it to.
If one person plays it too cool (even if it’s out of shyness!), the other may interpret it as disinterest. If a person comes on too strong, however… that can stray into “creepy” territory.
That’s why we need to break this equation down into its two very different halves: how to flirt and without being creepy.
By staying aware of the messages you are sending and staying equally as aware of the messages she is sending back, you’ll be able to find the right balance between “not enough” and “too much.”
Now, let’s jump in and talk about how to flirt without being creepy.
How to flirt…
Flirting is about sending the right messages.
You want to signal it without overtly saying,
“I’m interested in you.”
Ideally, you want her to know you’re into her with all the space she needs to decide on her own whether she wants to reciprocate or not.
How on earth do you accomplish this?
You can start by using the flirting methods that have worked since the start of time. The classics are classics for a reason.
Things like…
- making eye contact and then letting your gaze linger for just a moment longer,
- broadcasting your emotional availability by paying attention and caring about what she has to say,
- squaring your body to face her, conveying that you’re physically open for business as well, and
- using subtle proximity and touch techniques to close the distance between you
… will make her heart beat faster and send the very unmistakeable signal that you’re picking up what she’s laying down.
If you’re ready for a deep dive into your natural introvert tendencies, this post on “How to Flirt When You’re an Introverted Man” will teach you how to flirt when you’re on the shier side.
Remember, open the way for real connections. Sometimes flirting comes across as shallow or insincere; your goal is to do the opposite.
You want the woman you’re flirting with to know you’re interested in getting to know her on a deeper level.
… But only if she wants that, too. Which is what brings us to the second half of today’s question.
… Without being creepy
First, let’s briefly talk about what “creepy” means in the context of flirting.
According to Merriam-Webster, creepy means “producing a nervous shivery apprehension.”
Your mind might also jump to words like “desperation” or “clinginess” when you think of things that might make a man appear creepy when he’s trying to flirt.
And you’re not wrong! In fact, these are exactly what we cover how *not* to do in our self-study program, First Touch To First Kiss.
Without proper training, it’s not always easy to see when you’re giving off a desperate or clingy energy. The line between attentive and overattentive may be more subtle than you think.
In fact, for some women, a “creepy” guy may just be someone who shows too much interest when it’s not warranted. The unwanted attention can be uncomfortable for women who aren’t prepared to fend off overzealous advances.
Coming on too strong is an easy faux-pas for many guys to do. You don’t want to risk her walking away thinking you’re disinterested, so you err on the side of being a bit too obvious.
Happily, the fact that it’s easy to fall into this trap also means it’s super common, not a big deal at all, and easy to fix!
How do you avoid coming on too strong when she hasn’t reciprocated your interest?
The key is in the phrase “when she hasn’t reciprocated your interest.”
If you’re talking to a woman and she’s giggling at everything you say, twirling her hair nervously, and staring overtly at your biceps, feel free to dial up your flirting intensity. She’s most likely interested.
But most flirtatious interactions won’t be so obvious. You’ll need to tune in and pay attention to her reactions, both verbal and nonverbal.
If you need only one simple line to answer your question of how to flirt without being creepy, it’s this one:
Follow her lead.
Reading her signals accurately is just as important as sending the right signals yourself.
If you pick up on her cues when she’s taking a step back for air or leaning in for more, you’ll know whether to ramp up or tone down your flirtatious behavior.
There are a million books written on how to interpret women’s hints, but all the books in the world can’t tell you what the specific woman in front of you is trying to tell you.
Only being present in the moment with her, on the bedrock of knowing how to read women well, can do that.
So, where can you start? With the basics, of course!
Essentially, flip those “how to flirt” tips around to her perspective.
Is she…
- making lingering eye contact,
- closing the distance between you to have closer proximity,
- hanging on to your every word,
- lightly touching you, or
- shifting her body to face yours?
If those are the signs you might give off when you’re interested in her, the same is true the other way around.
Similarly, look for signs she’s not wanting more. If she’s…
- avoiding eye contact,
- leaning away or even taking a step physically away,
- crossing her arms in front of her chest, or
- turning her body toward an exit
… you may want to give her some space.
Keep in mind, mixed signals can definitely happen here. Some women are just as nervous as you, and may shyly look away even if interested.
If you’re getting some signals that she’s into you but you’re still unsure, take the middle road: flirt a little, but keep it subtle. Sprinkle in one or two “flirtatious” things, but keep the rest of your interaction friendly.
At best, you leave her wanting more!
What other considerations can help you learn how to flirt without being creepy?
To answer this, we need to think about another definition of the word “creepy” in the context of flirting.
Creepy does not always mean overbearing. Sometimes, it means something just feels… off.
It could be a vibe that a man gives off that rubs other people the wrong way. Often, it has something to do with…
- personal presentation,
- timing, or
- the overall atmosphere of the encounter.
Arguably, staying aware of these “make or break” factors when you approach a woman can be even more important than learning to flirt effectively.
Your flirting skills could be on-point, but if you overlook any of these key things, it can be a dealbreaker.
To illustrate this point, let’s use an example.
Imagine just for a moment that you’re a single woman minding your own business, walking to your car alone after work.
A man starts walking toward you. He’s smiling and maybe even looks a little handsome when he’s not in the shadows, but you’re uncomfortable. His clothes are disheveled, and it’s getting dark out. Who is this guy??
Even if that man has the best of intentions and would have been an amazing conversationalist, you’re going to be on high alert from the moment you spot him.
The context is all wrong.
Now, shift your perspective again.
You’re a single woman minding your own business, eating dinner alone in a busy restaurant. You have a half-finished drink in front of you.
A man in clean, pressed clothes smiles at you from a few tables over and nods to the waiter that your next drink is on him.
That guy is likely going to get a much warmer reaction than the first one.
Here’s the thing, though. This could easily be the same guy on different days.
Perhaps, on the first day, our would-be suitor rolled out of bed half an hour late, grabbed a wrinkled shirt off the floor, and made a mad dash for work. After a long and exhausting day, he spotted a beautiful woman walking to her car and thought, “What’s the harm in saying hi?”
On the second day, he made sure to wake up an extra half an hour early so he could have a long shower and press his clothes before work. At dinner that night, he saw an attractive woman dining alone and thought, “What’s the harm in saying hi?”
From those two points in time, his words and flirting techniques could have been identical going forward, and yet he never even got the chance in the first interaction.
The only thing that made the difference was the context of his approach:
- His personal presentation,
- Timing, and
- The atmosphere.
Staying aware of these influencing factors could very well boost your success level with flirting even more than practicing the perfect flirting techniques.
Learning how to throw a seductive sideways grin or gauging the appropriate amount of time to rest your hand on her back as you usher her through a doorway first is great, and those get a chance to come to life when your approach is well-timed and full of grace!
Conclusion on how to flirt without being creepy:
If you can get the hang of the things we talked about today, learning how to flirt without being creepy will come more and more naturally to you the more you practice.
As a recap, remember to…
- be mindful of the signals you’re sending her,
- pay attention to her cues so you can judge her level of interest, and
- make sure the context of your approach is likely to end in a positive interaction.
Learning how to flirt is an experience that leads many men down the “pickup artist” path (instead of the one that will likely lead to a healthy relationship). To make sure you’re maximizing your chances of finding a relationship that will last, download our free ebook, “Why PUA Doesn’t Work for Introverts & What Works Instead.”
For our 10-step sequence on going from first touch to first kiss with a woman, as well as extremely detailed material on reading her well and avoiding any creepy vibes, check out our beloved self-paced program, First Touch To First Kiss.
