How to make your online dating profile authentic.
Have you ever been on a date with someone where things are feeling a little awkward… and eventually, she says, “You know, you’re really different from your profile”…
And you force a smile, even though you can tell it’s not a compliment?
Or even if she doesn’t say anything, you can just feel something in the air that her expectations of you don’t match reality?
If that has NOT happened to you, chances are that, either…
(a) you’re great at expressing yourself through writing (yay!) or you’ve gotten help with that and are now great at it (also yay!), and you’ve got an authentic online dating profile,
(b) you’ve not gotten many if any dates online, or
(c) your profile has been fairly generic and hasn’t said much about your one way or another.
If that HAS happened to you, it’s because either…
(a) you had someone else write it for you, whether a friend or a professional who didn’t fully get to know you and make a profile that fully represented your essential nature and the way you come across, or
(b) you wrote it yourself, but you were trying to be someone you’re not, and so it didn’t feel like you as it came out onto the screen. So it wasn’t a huge surprise that it didn’t feel like you to her either once she could compare-contrast the real you with the words you wrote.
An opportunity to learn
Our Launch Your Dating Life client, who we’ll call Don, was in that last category.
He had done his best creating an authentic online dating profile, but it just didn’t feel like himself 100%. Because he didn’t know what *did* feel like himself, he felt stuck with what he had.
I’d love for you to “listen in” on this coaching to see…
- what his initial experience was like and how closely yours matches,
- what was the solution for him and a similar client, as well as
- clear takeaways that you can use to develop a more authentic online dating profile so that the women who go on dates with you feel the real you, the one they were excited to meet given your profile!
Don was a client who had a generally laid-back demeanor, and yet his profile was very edgy.
He did have some edginess in his personality, but it was out of proportion in the whole big picture of what he had written about himself. It had too much weight, which gave a really different impression than how he seemed and felt in person.
Here’s what he said about it in his coaching session:
“I’ve had a couple of women mention that they’re surprised that I’m different from my profile… One, while we were talking during the first date. Another woman last year said it after I kissed her.”
So, what to do?
To help Don make an authentic online dating profile, we told him about another client who came before him who we’ll call Dennis, one of my first clients ever, before Introverted Alpha.
As Dennis and I were starting our work together, he said that this had been happening to him all the time.
He was getting dates with women from online, but once they met him, he wasn’t who they had expected. So the spark wasn’t really there anymore.
It wasn’t that he wasn’t a great guy; he was. It was just that these women had essentially said yes to a date with someone else, the person who was coming across in his profile… which wasn’t the same guy.
Why the extreme disconnect?
Dennis had gotten help with his dating profile from another dating coach before me, and that dating coach wrote a profile that he thought would get women’s positive attention.
And it did. But it was also not at all connected to the client. The profile was finessed and sensual and enticing, but it didn’t really have much if anything to do with Dennis as a person.
In fact, by the time Dennis had come to me, he had gotten his online dating profile done by someone, he had learned texting from someone else on top of that, and then there he was in person connecting.
So women were saying, “You’re like 3 different people. You’re one person via text, one person in your profile and someone else in person.”
He asked me, “How do I integrate all this?”
The key was developing his own unique way of communicating.
This would lead to much different results than what he’d experienced after pulling from random tips and tricks that he had read and picked up all these disjointed slap-on tactics with no cohesive genuineness underneath.
But there was an issue…
He didn’t know how to be genuine.
In fact, he wasn’t convinced that women would even be attracted to the real him.
Dennis is pretty reserved, fairly awkward in an endearing way. As you can imagine, at first, that wasn’t something he thought would be attractive to women.
Dennis had it in his head that he had to be someone he wasn’t just to date at all. (Can you relate?)
He literally thought that no woman he’d ever want to take on a first date would want to go on a first date with him.
Well, he was delightfully wrong (just as you are… one of the only times in life that it feels so awesome to be wrong about something!).
He already had inherent attractiveness in him.
All he had to do was learn what was already uniquely wonderful about him.
From there, he could bring that out more and thereby attract women based on who he sincerely was, not on who he pretended to be.
This was important to him for many reasons.
One of which was that he didn’t want to be keeping up an act forever! Turns out, his profile was an act of sorts, because even though it was written by a professional, it wasn’t written truly WITH him, for him, about him, from him.
It was just a shiny array of sentences that had very little to do with who Dennis actually was or what it felt like to be near to him and talk with him on a date.
So what did we do?
I told him,
The thing is, in person, that’s you. You’re being more and more confident, more and more comfortable with touch, et cetera.
But the profile was not even written by you at all, and the texting was something you learned from a guy with these canned lines.
That’s why they don’t feel like it’s you, because they’re not.
Instead, you can express yourself in your own way through your profile.
You’re kind of quirky. You’re kind of awkward in an interesting and fun way. Getting all that in there is great!
The women who like what they see are going to like you all the way through.
They’re going to have a cohesive experience of you from profile to texting to first date and beyond.
So that’s what we did.
We reveled in his awkwardness! We pulled all those wonderful things about him out for everyone to see and enjoy…
Here’s how we got his profile really strong.
First, we made these changes within himself so he could feel and appreciate all that he had to share with others.
Then we completely rewrote his profile from the ground up, using the exact words and feelings that best evoked a true picture of him, an accurate impression of what it would feel like to be on a date with him.
And now, guess what?
For years now, women have just loved him in all of his playful awkwardness and distinctiveness.
He’s refreshing because he’s himself.
His world of options has opened up from a grand total of zero (or close to it), into a whole world of the women he meets out and about because for the first time in his life, he can actually just start a conversation with someone and lead things forward from there.
It’s an amazing thing to hear about (he shares stories!).
He is doing wonderfully and has been for years, just by being himself. Once we redid his online dating profile, his quirky awkwardness was no longer hidden behind a slick facade.
Rather, he was integrating himself, the whole picture…
He embraced is quirkiness, his sense of fun, his depth and intelligence, his presence and all his endearing qualities!
And from there, we made his profile together.
So, now back to Don and his profile.
Don had a different personality than Dennis because everyone is different!
While Dennis was quirky and playfully awkward, Don was calm and sweet-natured. So even though he had that badass edge (as illustrated in his motorcycle hobby and other fun and edgy pastimes he enjoyed).
So we wanted to bring out his calm side that people experienced more, and that he himself even experienced more.
That way, his front-and-center qualities could shine, and the more badass edge hung in the wings, so to speak.
His core nature, the main experience that he gives himself and others naturally when he’s just being himself is awesome.
So that’s what we put in the spotlight of his profile and of his own self-concept, arming him with a loving and curious mirror who he really is.
Takeaways for you
Now let’s look at how to improve your profile now.
What can we do to take it to the next level of sincerity so that what women experience of you is what you intended for them to experience?
How can we make a profile that is real, budding from your self-knowledge and confidence about what you naturally have to offer?
Here is one thing you can do today:
If you wouldn’t say it in person, don’t say it on your profile.
This is a fun play on, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”
If there’s something that you really want to keep in there that you wouldn’t likely say in person, then here’s what to do.
You can adjust the volume down on it. Then it will be more harmonious and shows more of your overall character along with the other parts of you that you’re sharing.
Here’s how to do that:
Center Stage vs. In the Wings
Consider the CENTER STAGE parts of your personality and the IN THE WINGS parts.
Be sure to have your main profile be the CENTER STAGE part of you, and then subtly flavor it with the IN THE WINGS parts.
For Don, his “Center Stage” was calm with an “In The Wings” edgy side.
So for him…
(1) He could take the way that he actually is (calm, relaxed, thoughtful) and put that into your profile.
(2) Then he would take some of these amazing things that are more edgy about him, James Bond-like. He’d work that a little bit into his profile. But he could also do well to mostly save those things for face-to-face conversations on his dates.
Feel your oats!
Integrating your “In the Wings” aspects of yourself into your stories is much easier when you’ve given thought and appreciation to that part of you.
Then on the date, you keep your “Center Stage” parts forward naturally, you can work in some of your “In the Wings” aspects that feel really good to you to share.
If it’s a real part of you and if it’s not making it onto your dates, then all you have to do is just work it in.
You can think of something interesting that reflects those qualities of yours.
For example, maybe you can tell that fun story about that time you and your dad meant to go fishing but ended up stealing a tractor (just kidding). Then she’ll get the idea of what makes you laugh and some of the color of the life you’ve lived.
Even if it’s something much less thrilling and/or illegal than that (LOL)… telling a story is a great way to show a part of you that usually takes longer to come out. It’s a great way to bring that into her experience of you sooner.
Final tips and resources:
In terms of shaping your profile, here are a few more tips and resources for you:
DATING PROFILE TIPS:
1. Sometimes less is more. Focus on the “Center Stage” parts of yourself; bring those out, and let the more subtle “In the Wings” notes be subtle, or save them for a date with her.
2. Women want to feel relaxed and excited. If you’re communicating a relaxed yet excited vibe very simply through your profile (by feeling those things yourself in general and as you write), then that’s going to strike her curiosity.
3. If you make a statement about yourself that’s unexpected or fun, that is going to give a great vibe and it invites her to take that next step with you.
ONLINE DATING RESOURCES:
- Online Dating For Introverted Men: 2018 Success Guide: Great resource that addresses principles, best dating apps, photo tips, message structure, and more.
- Easily Improve Your Online Dating Response Rate: Case studies on messages and how to improve them for better response rates from women.
- Dating Skills Assessment: See the bigger picture of your online dating skills alongside all the skills necessary for dating and attraction.
It’s one thing to read about these things; it’s quite another to practice them in your everyday life, becoming more and more of the man you were meant to be, among women and otherwise!
If you’d like to consider enlisting our support with that, check out Launch Your Dating Life. That program is where we work with you 1:1 for 12 weeks. We walk you through a guided support system, fully customized to you.
Any questions about it, email us at [email protected].
As always, thank you for reading, and I hope you have an amazing day!