“How can I start dating and then find a lasting relationship as an engineer? There is such a stereotype around engineers dating!”
Engineers are incredible people.
Not only do they contribute hugely to society through their innovation and problem-solving, they also are absolute delights. They are thoughtful, open to learn and grow, and often endearingly quirky and playful in unselfconscious and unexpected ways.
At Introverted Alpha, we surely love engineers! That’s why we’ve made this post to help software engineers, civil engineers, and all kinds of engineers to win at dating and attraction!
So if you are an engineer, or even if you’re simply logical by nature, put on your Albert Einstein socks because we’re about to learn!
Today, we’ll take a look at how…
- focusing on your best prospects,
- allowing yourself to open up and be vulnerable,
- understanding the qualities that make you an attractive potential partner,
- using cold science and statistics to set up dates, and
- switching into “emotional connection mode” when you’re actually on those dates
… can help you get the most out of your dating life as an engineer.
Let’s take a step back for a moment before we dive in.
Do you ever feel an “engineers dating” stereotype?
Because your profession is so centered around logic and critical thinking, it tends to draw people who excel in those hard science skills.
And since humans aren’t generally able to excel in everything all at once, sometimes engineers develop a reputation for having… less-than-perfect people skills, let’s say.
If you personally feel challenged by the “softer” aspects of psychology, human connection, and sharing feelings, that’s okay and completely normal.
Part of striving to become a well-rounded person is addressing those areas that could use some work. So, as you read this post, take note of the things that come naturally to you and the ones that will require some effort.
When you come across a particular sticking point, you’ll know that’s where it would be most fruitful to focus most of your attention.
Now, let’s get to it.
We’ve got 5 steps! As you get comfortable with these, dating success follows.
1. Narrow your pool of potential matches.
You probably spend a lot of your waking moments thinking of how to do things better, faster, and more effectively.
And yet, have you ever gone on dates with women just to give them a chance when deep down you know that it doesn’t quite feel right?
Do you ever feel the need to compromise your boundaries because you’re afraid of missing out, or because you don’t feel like you have many dating options?
Those thoughts show your compassion and openness, which are wonderful!
At the same time, we can apply refreshing pragmatism and selectiveness as well.
Let’s look at some numbers (yay data!). There are 7.5 billion people on Earth, and roughly half are women. You would automatically exclude women who are under 18, married or in a committed relationship, or living in another country.
That still leaves a lot of options. Yay!!
If you hesitate to narrow it down out of a fear of missing out, you have a special opportunity to instead choose to tap into that efficiency mindset you are so naturally great at!
So, to accurately assess your pool of potential matches and cut through some of the noise (when it comes to engineers dating, we love peace and quiet!), you can develop a clear understanding of what you do and don’t want in a long-term partner.
For example…
If you’re reading this post, your ideal woman probably isn’t the clubbing, bar-hopping, dancing-every-night type. Right?
On a personal level, you likely have a whole list of dealbreakers that you wouldn’t ideally want in a serious girlfriend or future wife.
The good news is, selecting according to those dealbreakers (even if she’s beautiful!) quickly eliminates a whole lot of incompatible matches from your pool. And this is good news even if it doesn’t sound like it.
What could make an engineer’s heart sing more than finely tuned efficiency?
The quicker you weed through the options that won’t work well with you, the more easily you can find the woman who will work well with you.
2. Be mindful of your emotional availability.
Engineers can sometimes deal with the stereotype that they’re cold, robotic, and unfeeling.
You are probably (hopefully!) sitting there thinking, “Well that couldn’t be further from the truth! I feel things very deeply!”
However, ask yourself how often you make a conscious effort to show those emotions to other people?
If the person you’re interacting with sees only your stoic face, it wouldn’t matter if you were holding back a waterfall of raw emotion; you’re still going to be perceived as unfeeling.
Engineers in general, and especially introverted male engineers, often can be uncomfortable expressing their feelings and becoming vulnerable. And please understand, this is so normal!
Every human being on the planet, introverted or extroverted, teacher or firefighter or engineer, has to work and put effort into connection. Truly!
So, if you tend to clam up and nod quietly rather than expressing how you’re feeling, it’s a HUGE WIN to even notice that! Yay for a new dawn of deeper connections breaking!
One amazing way to develop deeper connections is to let yourself truly enjoy getting to know someone new…
And to let them truly enjoy getting to know you deep down by opening up and being vulnerable over time, as you each feel safe to do so.
This sweet exchange of sharing yourself while also learning about someone who’s sharing with you is absolutely worth the effort to connect vulnerably.
So, when in doubt, gently encourage yourself that it works wonders to allow yourself to open up and emotionally enjoy the moment of human-to-human beautiful connection, even with awkward moments worked in!
Liberatingly, awkward is not the enemy of intimacy. Only unwillingness is. And that, my friend, can be overcome with a deep breath and willingness to jump in! ;)
3. Use your incredibly attractive qualities to your benefit.
It’s list time!
- Honesty,
- Integrity,
- Strong work ethic,
- Logical thinking,
- Problem-solving skills,
- Dedication,
- Determination,
- Intelligence,
- Creativity…
Those are just a few traits engineers tend to share. How fantastically attractive is that, right off the bat??
If you can showcase those amazing qualities to the narrowed-down pool of women you choose to date, you’re going to click with someone sooner or later.
Can we get a, “Yessss!”?
It’s practically inevitable, as long as you…
4. Take a scientific approach to setting up dates.
You’ve done the math on how many women are available to date, narrowed the pool down to the best matches, practiced tuning into your emotional side, and learned to feel confident in your most attractive qualities.
What’s next?
Systematic testing and process of elimination, of course!
Okay, we can do this! Problem-solving mode, check! ;)
Once you’ve “swiped right” a few times on a dating app like Hinge and have some great potential matches on the table, it’s time to go on dates and allow a true connection to blossom, if there is indeed one there waiting for the two of you!
If you have a first date that doesn’t lead to a second, not to worry! As long as you’re debriefing and learning from your experiences, you are WINNING because you are GROWING. Yay!
Because you were so purposeful in establishing what you want in a potential partner AND because you are so open to real connections and vulnerability, you can rest assured that every first date you go on has the potential to be wonderful.
Just don’t forget to…
5. Treasure each and every person you go on a date with.
When you’re sitting face to face across the dinner table with your date, this is not the time to forget the lesson we covered about emotional availability, lol! ;)
Each woman you go on a date with is a fully independent human being with thoughts, feelings, and a life of her own.
Even if you used some objective criteria to narrow your pool, it is so freeing to tune into the fact that these women are absolute miracles and treasures, as each human being is. (!)
As an engineer, you have a lovely innate ability to dive into the steps that call for efficiency and logic. And now, you can intentionally extend compassion and become vulnerable in a deeply touching way when it counts.
Yay skill-building!
Remind yourself from time to time that, while the process of elimination can get you dates, only opening yourself to a true connection will result in a relationship that lasts.
Conclusion on why engineers dating non-engineers is actually completely doable (and amazing!):
As you can see, you have a fantastic start on dating, just by being the incredibly interesting guy you already are as an engineer. Now all we need to do (if needed!) is to build out the skills of connection, while harnessing your skills of logic and reasoning… putting it all to use for you in a gorgeous kaleidoscope of goodness!
Cast off that “engineers dating” stereotype and enjoy becoming a well-rounded person!
It’s all about leaning into your strengths and filling in the gaps wherever you need to. For engineers dating, those gaps are usually in the realms of showing and accepting feelings.
If you need a refresher on today’s tips for engineers dating, remember to…
- keep your dating pool narrow and efficient,
- strive to show your emotions and allow yourself to be vulnerable.
- display your innate attractive qualities,
- set up dates with an experimental, scientific mindset, and
- go on those dates with a vulnerable, emotional mindset.
Still want some guidance? We’ve got you covered!
Download this free ebook, “Why PUA Doesn’t Work for Introverts & What Works Instead,” for an even more in-depth look at how you can level up your dating skills and shift your mindset into a healthy emotional space.
If you’re like many engineers, you might worry about what you’ll do when you eventually have a successful date. Do you hold her hand? How close should you stand? And do you kiss her at the end of the night?? Ah, too much!
Fret not. That’s why we’ve created the First Touch to First Kiss program. This course walks you through how to woo your date, how to touch her, and how to build up to that first kiss, even if you’ve never done it before! Learn more here.
